11-24-2012, 06:57 PM
I'm getting better at letting go of the negative thoughts. The sub might be helping me do that, but I can't really know. For all I know maybe those negative thoughts were there as a way to excuse my fear. So instead of actively acknowledging I was afraid, it was easier to get down on myself and depressed so I didn't have to face that fear. It's like layers, everything I think I know usually goes deeper than that.
And the other thing is, this fear messed with my judgment and perspective a lot. I really think the cause of all my depression stems from fear. I feel like I'm able to get a clearer perspective on things lately. And I just feel like it's really important to have that perspective all straightened out because to me it makes all the difference in the world.
I can't live the rest of my life in fear, it just makes everything so dark and hopeless. And my fear is more directly related to other people. I feel like I'm a sensitive person. I tend to not trust other people. I can't put into words how I feel most the time. I just feel like people are dangerous to me. And I don't want that. With all my logic I've reasoned how trustworthy people can be, but subconsciously there still exists that inability to feel at ease. This is what's baffled me for years now. Lately anxiety is minimal, no racing heart, no shallow breathing, no racing thoughts. But it exists and it tends to cause me to avoid things. Obviously the answer is to keep pushing my comfort zone, but it's tough and I'm trying but it's not easy.
I guess my biggest issue I'm facing is I'm still living with my parents and unemployed. It's not like I'm lazy, things are just really rough and I'm just kind of lost. I'm 21 now, I just don't feel like I'm independent. I still feel like a kid with all my fears and problems. I'm just surrounded by people who are ahead of me and I feel like I constantly compare myself to them. I don't like making excuses, but at the same time I wonder how they would be doing if they were in my shoes. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a race with an invisible boulder strapped to my leg.
And the other thing is, this fear messed with my judgment and perspective a lot. I really think the cause of all my depression stems from fear. I feel like I'm able to get a clearer perspective on things lately. And I just feel like it's really important to have that perspective all straightened out because to me it makes all the difference in the world.
I can't live the rest of my life in fear, it just makes everything so dark and hopeless. And my fear is more directly related to other people. I feel like I'm a sensitive person. I tend to not trust other people. I can't put into words how I feel most the time. I just feel like people are dangerous to me. And I don't want that. With all my logic I've reasoned how trustworthy people can be, but subconsciously there still exists that inability to feel at ease. This is what's baffled me for years now. Lately anxiety is minimal, no racing heart, no shallow breathing, no racing thoughts. But it exists and it tends to cause me to avoid things. Obviously the answer is to keep pushing my comfort zone, but it's tough and I'm trying but it's not easy.
I guess my biggest issue I'm facing is I'm still living with my parents and unemployed. It's not like I'm lazy, things are just really rough and I'm just kind of lost. I'm 21 now, I just don't feel like I'm independent. I still feel like a kid with all my fears and problems. I'm just surrounded by people who are ahead of me and I feel like I constantly compare myself to them. I don't like making excuses, but at the same time I wonder how they would be doing if they were in my shoes. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a race with an invisible boulder strapped to my leg.
