(10-23-2012, 10:43 AM)Sean Wrote: Mat, I think you are overthinking, again.
Are you holding on too tightly to something? Is there a fear of letting go?
I'm trying to dial down the thinking. But my mind has a tendency to go into overdrive trying to find a solution.
I don't know if I'm holding on to something or not. I'm pretty sure I'm just dealing with a lot of anxiety right now. So maybe I'm weaving stories to rationalize that anxiety. Maybe I should start listening to the overcome fear sub instead.
But it's like I said, something feels wrong and I don't really have an idea of how to fix it other than working on my subconscious. I feel like I burned myself out and I don't have the energy to keep pushing right now.
Thinking about it now I think I'm just gonna move onto the overcome fear sub. I feel like fear is just whats been eroding my self esteem over the years. And even if my self esteem could use a boost, I'd be better off addressing fear first. Because even just removing that fear would open up opportunities to actually allow myself to change. And the more I've been thinking about it, the more I realized that the fear was just contributing to a lot of my deluded thinking about myself. I'm not a bad person, I don't dislike myself, and I realize the only time I really get down on myself is when the fear dictates my life. I think my biggest fear is just getting hurt by others. Childish sounding, very much. Especially when an adult has all the tools to take experiential evidence and re-frame their behavior. But I guess that's not the only fear. My life lately feels like I'm just suffocating in fear, that stems from my social anxiety making it seem like I'll never win. A lot of that fear just turns into depression when I feel frustrated about being unable to change my situation. I've made improvements, that's for sure. I'm committed to always growing. But I don't want to live a life of coping, I need permanent change. The way I see things I want a major rewriting of my subconscious so I don't have to think about how to behave or constantly be on the verge of slipping up and falling into depression again. I'm gonna change, I've done it before and I keep doing it, I just have to keep at it.
