I've been through several stages of dealing with social anxiety. When I was younger I'd just tell myself that it was just anxiety. I was just super anxious around people and it was irrational and it had nothing to do with my own self esteem or fear. I was treating the anxiety as some entity that attached itself to me. A few years later I started getting into meditation and understanding that I was hesitant to be honest with myself about how I feel. I recognized that I did have a fear of being hurt, that my anxiety was related to the fear I felt, and that overall I felt very emotionally vulnerable and I felt weak. Now I'm seeing that maybe the fear is there because I'm worried people are going to see how much I struggle with even being ok with myself.
I think I'm starting to get closer to the root of my issues. I guess at the deepest core of my being I feel broken or ashamed of myself. I used to think that I felt that way because of dealing with social anxiety. But maybe I've had it backwards all these years. Maybe I have the social anxiety because I'm ashamed of myself for reasons unknown to me. Maybe I just have deep deep self esteem issues and the reason I have the anxiety is because I don't want people looking at me and seeing that. And to take it one step further maybe the anxiety has been creating a loop that further erodes my own self esteem.
And just typing this out I felt a bit of an emotional release. And I've realized I've been expending so much energy in trying to get rid of my anxiety without addressing how I really felt inside and being honest with myself. And the self help positive thinking movement probably made me feel worse. I feel like lately negative feelings have become something to be ashamed of. As if you just need to think more positively and ignore the negative. But those negative feelings are important, they are like a flag telling you something is wrong and you should take a deeper look. If I'm completely honest, no I guess I don't feel good about myself and I do have issues that I feel are unresolved. And even more trying to counter those negative feelings with positive thinking makes me feel worse, it's like my mind takes the exact opposite.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there's a fine line between wallowing in self pity and being completely ignorant of the issues you face. It takes a certain amount of honesty to be able to grow, first you have to be aware of what it is that plagues you.
That being said I'm thinking of running the remove negativity within sub again. I was thinking about the self esteem sub but it's only 3G. Or maybe alpha 2011 I should give another run through. I just need something to get to the root of these issues.
Decided to run remove negativity within. I'm gonna hold off on alpha until I can scrape together enough cash to buy 5.0. Maybe after remove negativity within I'll run the fear sub too. But for now I feel like the deeper issues that need to be tackled right now are related to negativity I'm still subconsciously holding onto.
I think I'm starting to get closer to the root of my issues. I guess at the deepest core of my being I feel broken or ashamed of myself. I used to think that I felt that way because of dealing with social anxiety. But maybe I've had it backwards all these years. Maybe I have the social anxiety because I'm ashamed of myself for reasons unknown to me. Maybe I just have deep deep self esteem issues and the reason I have the anxiety is because I don't want people looking at me and seeing that. And to take it one step further maybe the anxiety has been creating a loop that further erodes my own self esteem.
And just typing this out I felt a bit of an emotional release. And I've realized I've been expending so much energy in trying to get rid of my anxiety without addressing how I really felt inside and being honest with myself. And the self help positive thinking movement probably made me feel worse. I feel like lately negative feelings have become something to be ashamed of. As if you just need to think more positively and ignore the negative. But those negative feelings are important, they are like a flag telling you something is wrong and you should take a deeper look. If I'm completely honest, no I guess I don't feel good about myself and I do have issues that I feel are unresolved. And even more trying to counter those negative feelings with positive thinking makes me feel worse, it's like my mind takes the exact opposite.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there's a fine line between wallowing in self pity and being completely ignorant of the issues you face. It takes a certain amount of honesty to be able to grow, first you have to be aware of what it is that plagues you.
That being said I'm thinking of running the remove negativity within sub again. I was thinking about the self esteem sub but it's only 3G. Or maybe alpha 2011 I should give another run through. I just need something to get to the root of these issues.
Decided to run remove negativity within. I'm gonna hold off on alpha until I can scrape together enough cash to buy 5.0. Maybe after remove negativity within I'll run the fear sub too. But for now I feel like the deeper issues that need to be tackled right now are related to negativity I'm still subconsciously holding onto.
