10-12-2012, 04:03 PM
Just gonna be a quick thought. I place too much emphasis on the negative and not on the positive. I'm horribly unbalanced when it comes to feeling good about myself. I used to think it was just being humble, but it's just another rationalization for my low self esteem.
The good news is I'm seeing just how wrong I am. I'm a good guy, I'm down to earth, and honestly I demand too much of myself. I always have this horrible self perception of myself that isn't reflected at all in how others see me. I'm my own worst critic. And looking back I always had the wrong attitude when it came to other people. Like if my friends wanted to hang out I'd say they were just being nice and I didn't understand why. When instead I should have thought that they do like me and enjoy my company. And that was when I was fairly young, like 13 years old so I feel like it just turned into a bad habit. But I realize now I can break that habit and stop giving myself the completely wrong self perception of myself.
So where things stand right now I'm seeing 2 factors holding me back from more growth and it seems they are weaved together in a spider web of sorts. The first is fear, this has been a killer throughout my life. But thanks to the self confidence sub I'm pushing past that fear now, not tremendous leaps but it's progress. My self esteem is the second. Because I have that fear I became very abusive to myself. So even when I had a small accomplishment it wasn't recognized enough by me and instead I focused on how it was stupid that I have that fear in the first place. The focus grew more towards the fear, I felt fear was going to rule my life and as the focus grew I felt more helpless. As I felt more helpless I got more abusive against myself that I was having difficulties overcoming the fear and my self esteem plummeted. The fear fed off of my low self esteem and made it seem bigger than I could handle. Now here's the big problem. I couldn't feel good about myself until I became the picture perfect idea of confidence, which is a tall order. So as long as I had that fear I thought incredibly poorly of myself. But in order to grow as a person I have to recognize that I am a good person despite having these strong fears. And this is what worries me the most, that the fear is causing me to negate the subliminals. Because I've had trouble embracing positivity in my life, I fear that on some level I'm doing the exact thing with my subconscious mind.
But here's the real kicker. While I struggled with strong depression I felt guilty because I had no reason to be depressed in my mind. I had a loving family, a roof over my head, my own health, and opportunities all around me. There are people that would kill to be in my position, and yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn't pull myself out of it. I'd have days where I woke up and just felt paralyzed in bed. It's the worst feeling when you feel wrong and you just look for answers or solutions that seem impossible. Chaos is what it feels like, you don't know where to start or what to begin, or whether or not there is hope. When you get to a place like that you become 100 percent certain that things couldn't possibly change and that it's reality. But it's not, it's just distorted reality. And sometimes I'd get stuck there for a while, which sucks because the more you stay there the more it starts feeling like reality. The world is so vast and the limitations I put on myself and my mind cause me to view it in such a one dimensional way. I can safely say that my own beliefs and perceptions affect my reality.
All that being said right now I'm choosing to ignore the negative thoughts. I can feel them in the back of my head pestering me and trying to get me to pay attention to them. Now one more thing, I start questioning what it means to repress emotions. Am I really repressing important emotions or am I just choosing to now accept a reality that is full of more positivity than negativity. And if so, that reality seems infinitely more strange than the one I'm used to. There is an overwhelming compulsion in me to be chained down by that negative, that it's bad if I just ignore it. But practicing positivity seems to be a habit I need to build, it's obviously going to feel wrong or strange being that it's a new behavior. And also my mind just threw a negative thought at me telling me I'm deluded for believing I can just flip a switch in my head and let go of a lifetime of bad habits. It's not that easy? Well I say why not? Life doesn't have to be hard if you don't want it to be. This is what makes me crazy sometimes, I know I have the power to change and it's all up to me. But there is a negative critic inside of me that says I'm a fool and I need that negativity.
The good news is I'm seeing just how wrong I am. I'm a good guy, I'm down to earth, and honestly I demand too much of myself. I always have this horrible self perception of myself that isn't reflected at all in how others see me. I'm my own worst critic. And looking back I always had the wrong attitude when it came to other people. Like if my friends wanted to hang out I'd say they were just being nice and I didn't understand why. When instead I should have thought that they do like me and enjoy my company. And that was when I was fairly young, like 13 years old so I feel like it just turned into a bad habit. But I realize now I can break that habit and stop giving myself the completely wrong self perception of myself.
So where things stand right now I'm seeing 2 factors holding me back from more growth and it seems they are weaved together in a spider web of sorts. The first is fear, this has been a killer throughout my life. But thanks to the self confidence sub I'm pushing past that fear now, not tremendous leaps but it's progress. My self esteem is the second. Because I have that fear I became very abusive to myself. So even when I had a small accomplishment it wasn't recognized enough by me and instead I focused on how it was stupid that I have that fear in the first place. The focus grew more towards the fear, I felt fear was going to rule my life and as the focus grew I felt more helpless. As I felt more helpless I got more abusive against myself that I was having difficulties overcoming the fear and my self esteem plummeted. The fear fed off of my low self esteem and made it seem bigger than I could handle. Now here's the big problem. I couldn't feel good about myself until I became the picture perfect idea of confidence, which is a tall order. So as long as I had that fear I thought incredibly poorly of myself. But in order to grow as a person I have to recognize that I am a good person despite having these strong fears. And this is what worries me the most, that the fear is causing me to negate the subliminals. Because I've had trouble embracing positivity in my life, I fear that on some level I'm doing the exact thing with my subconscious mind.
But here's the real kicker. While I struggled with strong depression I felt guilty because I had no reason to be depressed in my mind. I had a loving family, a roof over my head, my own health, and opportunities all around me. There are people that would kill to be in my position, and yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn't pull myself out of it. I'd have days where I woke up and just felt paralyzed in bed. It's the worst feeling when you feel wrong and you just look for answers or solutions that seem impossible. Chaos is what it feels like, you don't know where to start or what to begin, or whether or not there is hope. When you get to a place like that you become 100 percent certain that things couldn't possibly change and that it's reality. But it's not, it's just distorted reality. And sometimes I'd get stuck there for a while, which sucks because the more you stay there the more it starts feeling like reality. The world is so vast and the limitations I put on myself and my mind cause me to view it in such a one dimensional way. I can safely say that my own beliefs and perceptions affect my reality.
All that being said right now I'm choosing to ignore the negative thoughts. I can feel them in the back of my head pestering me and trying to get me to pay attention to them. Now one more thing, I start questioning what it means to repress emotions. Am I really repressing important emotions or am I just choosing to now accept a reality that is full of more positivity than negativity. And if so, that reality seems infinitely more strange than the one I'm used to. There is an overwhelming compulsion in me to be chained down by that negative, that it's bad if I just ignore it. But practicing positivity seems to be a habit I need to build, it's obviously going to feel wrong or strange being that it's a new behavior. And also my mind just threw a negative thought at me telling me I'm deluded for believing I can just flip a switch in my head and let go of a lifetime of bad habits. It's not that easy? Well I say why not? Life doesn't have to be hard if you don't want it to be. This is what makes me crazy sometimes, I know I have the power to change and it's all up to me. But there is a negative critic inside of me that says I'm a fool and I need that negativity.
