I calmed down after the last post after doing some training, but still alot of the annoyance at this bullshit around women, it infecting shows, movies and such and almost any entertainment that's recent and even alot of old stuff.
Anyway, i'm on the off days of my second cycle of stage 2.
I'm feeling like everything is going to shit since stage 1. Stage 0 was pretty good for the most part, but seemed to derail near the end.
Stage 1 had the strong start I mentioned, but then not much after that. Stage 2 I feel even worse, like everything is being torn down. I don't want to go anywhere, haven't been contacting friends or trying to organize anything, I see no point of going down the street to get out of the house as it's just the same old shit and just triggers the same pattern i've mentioned.
Like "can't be fucked going out" then something shifts and I get sick of staying at home and have a genuine urge to go out somewhere, then huge frustration and depression comes up alot of the time leading to a porn binge, then back to not feeling like going anywhere.
Combined with physical symptoms and fatigue coming up, this morning after recently getting up earlier, I felt like there was no point and stayed in bed like 12 hours, I didn't have a shower in the morning, but eventually after eating and being up for a while I felt a bit better and showered.
Today I didn't do my normal workout, just did some stretching and other things to try to relax my body. That's how fucked I felt.
It's like everything is being torn apart more than anything else i've done, I had a thought last night I think that it's stripping anything away that's making me not masculine or stopping me from being masculine.
First the public speaking club that I quit in stage 0 which was a good personal challenge, but it was the not being respected there and me being the only person ever to speak up and all the other nonsense being on the committee. I have no desire to go back and engage with that again.
Then I tried the men's group, to be confronted with all this 'heart centered' weak bullshit, though the social part was good, most of the guys spouting that bullshit is going against the man I want to be.
Lost interest in alot of the other social stuff, last time I went out with friends I was really awkward and weird and haven't felt like going out since.
It almost felt like the strong confidence at the start of stage 1 triggered massive fear that's still in play.
Or that stage 0 was better for me because it had a strong focus on healing trauma, which i'm not sure how far into the other stages that goes.
Some physical stuff so strong has had me thinking of MHS, which legitimately may be warranted in some ways, but also it makes sense it would be connected to what AM7 is working on emotionally though there also seems to be physical aspects.
So out of necessity I started using rife for that which is helping, but again I don't know if it's taking away from AM7. It legitimately seemed to direct me to it though.
Basically I may have mentioned before that i'll be listening to a program, then it will build up and in bed that night it will come out physically/somatically similar to when I did somatic trauma work.
I'll stay with it and let it come out, and generally I notice shifts after that and things start flowing into my mind, like new realizations and shifts, aswell as solutions to the issues i'm having. This happened with one of the symptoms and lead me to start rife again.
But then I feel like it may be conflicting and derailing AM7 even if it makes no sense. I also genuinely thought that with siberian ginseng, but after stopping it for I reakon nearly 2 weeks now it's seeming like it may actually not have been.
It's a weird pattern of something resolves somatically leading to shifts and realizations and a strong feeling of it leading me to the solution, then I start the solution and suddenly feel like it's conflicting though it does help with the very thing that was being worked on (with somatic ginseng the fatigue and issues with sleep, rife for these physical issues that I could see were also very connected to stuff being worked on with AM7). So either these things are actually conflicting and derailing it or this is the self-sabotage engaging in some fucking stupid weird shit that confuses me even more.
I really don't fucking know. Usually i'd lay in bed analyzing stuff thinking, but the last few nights especially it was like "I can't be fucked anymore, I don't even have the energy, I give up, I just want to lay here and not analyze all this shit". Like i'm being lead to a breakdown of almost everything.
I've been reading about other audios and such quite a bit, with a strong urge to stop AM7. I am aware of what's going on, and i'm fighting it and continuing to listen, but it's stronger than it has been on AM7 so far.
If I stop it would leave me in this hole and i'd not get the chance to be built back up.
My thoughts currently are the early stages are breaking everything down and the later ones help build me back up. I hope so, because it's pretty fucking low right now.
About the only things interesting me is working out which is why I was frustrated today with my low energy, and also my martial arts training especially.
That's what lead me to the thought of "it's breaing down everything that's not making me masculine" because it's been improving those 2 things, which are an important part of masculinity and my life for me.
The thing is it's not massive anger and rage like on AM6, there was the anger in the last post but it's not there all the time. It's more hopelessness, wanting to just give up on everything, not feeling like going anywhere, fatigue and apathy really.
The problem is it's hard to know the difference between what's physical with the symptoms and previous physical issues that are still happening at times, and mental and emotional from AM7.
Though I do think the physical issues are in part connected to alot of what AM7 is working on, so it may explain as i'm getting into the stages that is getting noticably worse right now.
Anyway, i'm on the off days of my second cycle of stage 2.
I'm feeling like everything is going to shit since stage 1. Stage 0 was pretty good for the most part, but seemed to derail near the end.
Stage 1 had the strong start I mentioned, but then not much after that. Stage 2 I feel even worse, like everything is being torn down. I don't want to go anywhere, haven't been contacting friends or trying to organize anything, I see no point of going down the street to get out of the house as it's just the same old shit and just triggers the same pattern i've mentioned.
Like "can't be fucked going out" then something shifts and I get sick of staying at home and have a genuine urge to go out somewhere, then huge frustration and depression comes up alot of the time leading to a porn binge, then back to not feeling like going anywhere.
Combined with physical symptoms and fatigue coming up, this morning after recently getting up earlier, I felt like there was no point and stayed in bed like 12 hours, I didn't have a shower in the morning, but eventually after eating and being up for a while I felt a bit better and showered.
Today I didn't do my normal workout, just did some stretching and other things to try to relax my body. That's how fucked I felt.
It's like everything is being torn apart more than anything else i've done, I had a thought last night I think that it's stripping anything away that's making me not masculine or stopping me from being masculine.
First the public speaking club that I quit in stage 0 which was a good personal challenge, but it was the not being respected there and me being the only person ever to speak up and all the other nonsense being on the committee. I have no desire to go back and engage with that again.
Then I tried the men's group, to be confronted with all this 'heart centered' weak bullshit, though the social part was good, most of the guys spouting that bullshit is going against the man I want to be.
Lost interest in alot of the other social stuff, last time I went out with friends I was really awkward and weird and haven't felt like going out since.
It almost felt like the strong confidence at the start of stage 1 triggered massive fear that's still in play.
Or that stage 0 was better for me because it had a strong focus on healing trauma, which i'm not sure how far into the other stages that goes.
Some physical stuff so strong has had me thinking of MHS, which legitimately may be warranted in some ways, but also it makes sense it would be connected to what AM7 is working on emotionally though there also seems to be physical aspects.
So out of necessity I started using rife for that which is helping, but again I don't know if it's taking away from AM7. It legitimately seemed to direct me to it though.
Basically I may have mentioned before that i'll be listening to a program, then it will build up and in bed that night it will come out physically/somatically similar to when I did somatic trauma work.
I'll stay with it and let it come out, and generally I notice shifts after that and things start flowing into my mind, like new realizations and shifts, aswell as solutions to the issues i'm having. This happened with one of the symptoms and lead me to start rife again.
But then I feel like it may be conflicting and derailing AM7 even if it makes no sense. I also genuinely thought that with siberian ginseng, but after stopping it for I reakon nearly 2 weeks now it's seeming like it may actually not have been.
It's a weird pattern of something resolves somatically leading to shifts and realizations and a strong feeling of it leading me to the solution, then I start the solution and suddenly feel like it's conflicting though it does help with the very thing that was being worked on (with somatic ginseng the fatigue and issues with sleep, rife for these physical issues that I could see were also very connected to stuff being worked on with AM7). So either these things are actually conflicting and derailing it or this is the self-sabotage engaging in some fucking stupid weird shit that confuses me even more.
I really don't fucking know. Usually i'd lay in bed analyzing stuff thinking, but the last few nights especially it was like "I can't be fucked anymore, I don't even have the energy, I give up, I just want to lay here and not analyze all this shit". Like i'm being lead to a breakdown of almost everything.
I've been reading about other audios and such quite a bit, with a strong urge to stop AM7. I am aware of what's going on, and i'm fighting it and continuing to listen, but it's stronger than it has been on AM7 so far.
If I stop it would leave me in this hole and i'd not get the chance to be built back up.
My thoughts currently are the early stages are breaking everything down and the later ones help build me back up. I hope so, because it's pretty fucking low right now.
About the only things interesting me is working out which is why I was frustrated today with my low energy, and also my martial arts training especially.
That's what lead me to the thought of "it's breaing down everything that's not making me masculine" because it's been improving those 2 things, which are an important part of masculinity and my life for me.
The thing is it's not massive anger and rage like on AM6, there was the anger in the last post but it's not there all the time. It's more hopelessness, wanting to just give up on everything, not feeling like going anywhere, fatigue and apathy really.
The problem is it's hard to know the difference between what's physical with the symptoms and previous physical issues that are still happening at times, and mental and emotional from AM7.
Though I do think the physical issues are in part connected to alot of what AM7 is working on, so it may explain as i'm getting into the stages that is getting noticably worse right now.
