AM Stage 0 6.0 Journal

[djl4]

I'm coming up on 2 months of this. 

I need a lot of work. Some of my situation is my fault, and some of it has been majorly unfortunate circumstances. 

The basics: I am 34 years old. I have had chronic illness for a few years now, it seems to be improving, but it was extremely bad, there are patches I was sure I would die. I have a part time job, which I don't like, but they've been flexible with my situation. I feel stuck there, but I don't see a lot of other options for myself, because of being ill, and I'm also a musician, so the only other immediate options are to start my own teaching business, or wildly succeed with gigging (which seems like I've sort of missed the boat on) I have a girlfriend, but I'm bored. I don't feel sexually attracted to her anymore, which is really becoming a serious drag. But I do love her. Unfortunately due to my illness and also losing my apartment due to mold issues, I am now kind of dependent on her. I've signed up for affordable housing lotteries and am hoping someday to have my own place again. Prior to dating her I had a long string of sexual addiction issues for like 7 years. So I am drawn to novelty, looks, porn bodies, the thrill of the chase, etc. etc. I am not quite sure how to reconcile the boredom I now feel with the hyper stimulation I crave, because both sides are dissatisfying. 

As far as what I want, I would like to be a successful musician. I may not be able to make my full living at that due to supply demand issues in the field I'm in, but I would like to be highly respected, top of my craft, sought after by students. I would like a bigger network and social circle. I would like to take women off the pedestal. I would like to achieve some degree of social freedom. Not ridiculous pickup stuff necessarily, but just the ability to go out, and meet people, and have it be normal and non triggering. I would like to have my own place. I would like to have choice and freedom. I would like to get over my hatred of my parents. I would like to find other income streams. I would like to rebuild my self esteem. I would like to reconnect to my spiritual life. 


At this point I'm thinking long term, I no longer am expecting miracles in self development. But I think a lot can be achieved if one looks at the 5-10 year span, etc. 

I do think this program is doing something profound to my mindset and also my body (emotions are releasing much more easily), but what I'm trying to study is anything that may get in the way of it working. I am not of the belief we can just rely on the program to "do its thing." The results in this forum seem wildly different person to person, and I'm aware there's a multitude of factors at play. I am trying to identify my resistance.. Pornography is an obvious one, But I also think conflicting desires, being confused on what one actually wants to achieve is another form of resistance. I'm still drawn to pickup type content, or hyper success get rich quick type content, which to me indicates I am deeply disatisfied with my life somehow, but I'm also not sure falling into cult thinking and internet marketing stuff is going to solve that. I want to be careful about what I consume. I would be interested in others opinions of great self help content that may be useful. The internet is designed to trigger your dissatisfaction so that you purchase a product. But in general I have very deep insecurities in these areas of masculinity, money, and women. And that creates a kind of self reinforcing loop, because everyone says you need money to be respected by women, you need to be masculine to get money, etc. lol

I know Shannon said to Ben to forget about women for now. That feels like a relief. But I'm wondering what I CAN focus on that will be productive. So far the most helpful thing seems to be (besides the sub) is just quietly feeling my body, any tension that arises, and letting it go. 




As far as the program, so far I feel more masculine, I feel fears leaving, I feel more attractive, I feel focused on my independence, I feel focused on my craft, I feel healthier and more focused on doing what it takes for my health, I feel more uncensored speaking to my girlfriend, I feel it's easier to relax in triggering situations, I feel that I"m starting to believe emotional healing is possible, whereas before I did not. I also notice periods of extreme elevated mood, and genuine smiling that people have noticed.

On the flip side, I notice resistance, depression, porn cravings, lack of motivation, and a few time EXTREME crashouts/negative emotions. These all come in waves. 

I would be curious about Shannon's thoughts here since I shared a lot

I'll be happy to share my thoughts, but you'll have to guide me to what specific points you want my thoughts on.

As to the last part where you say you have extreme crashouts and negative emotions, I'll shar that this is known as the "tidal effect".  It works like this.  You start making progress in a positive direction, and some part of you, which is almost always the part(s) of you that are the reason for whatever unpleasant state you are in, sees this progress away from what it wants/believes, and begins to react by trying to disrupt, shut down, derail, stop the progress.  It will react as aggressively as it needs to in order to break through the cooperative parts and then when it has done what it wanted to, it calms down and the cooperative  parts take over again.

This repeats itself, but each time it happens, a little permanent progress is made, and the crashouts/negative emotions are either less extreme or react to whatever initially triggered them a little less, so the end result is that some progress is made.  Each "low tide" (crashout) is a little less low, and each "high tide" (cooperative activity) is a little further along.  This happens because the reason for the crashout - fear - is a little less because the experience has provided some evidence that the fear is not necessarily true.  The "tides" end up resulting in less and less tidal extremity over time, and more and more progress as the sticking point is worked through and finally dissolves.

If you're having extreme crashouts/negative emotions, it means that that was the minimum level of aggression and reactivity that was needed to break through the cooperative parts, and that's actually a good thing.  It means the program and it's influence is extremely powerful.

That's really helpful thanks. I'll try to look at it as a good thing then 

I guess my main concern at the time of writing that was my relationship. But it seems best to be disciplined and just finish the set and see if things improve... If not well that's another story. They already have improved, because I am so incredibly on task at this point mundane things are just not bothering me. We do have a very loving peaceful relationship.. It's more my desire for dopamine that is the issue. Perhaps that will shift, or not, Idk. 

I feel my limits peeling off of me.. but in order to keep it up there's some practical actions I need to take now to move my career forward. But it feels like there's space to do so...

This is just stage 0!