09-23-2012, 12:33 PM
I feel like I have a mental virus that I'm just trying to move on from. I get into these moods where I just can't even describe how I feel. It's unpleasant, like my whole body wants to purge, but I have no idea what to do. It's not restlessness, it's just more like intense confusion and a feeling of just not being in reality.
I'm guessing that this is the in between phase of changing your beliefs. It's almost like I'm stuck in a game of tug of war, one side pulling one way and another pulling the other. I know which side I want to move towards, but the other side is adamant on not allowing that to happen. Every so often I get glimpses into the person I can be, but then kind of fall back into familiar behaviors.
Overall I'm seeing changes. They are definitely there. It's just very gradual steps, very subtle shifts in how I deal with things in life. I've also returned to making electronic music, which is something I've always wanted to get better at, but I had the worst aversion to it because if I failed to make a decent song I took it pretty hard. But now it's just an attitude of, this stuff isn't going to be easy and it's not the end of the world if you aren't that good. But every time I dedicate time to practicing, I get better. Small and gradual, but I've learned a lot and there is still more to learn.
I'm definitely a perfectionist. Part of that is due to me having a strong desire to excel at something and when I put my mind to it I go 100%. But there doesn't seem to be enough compromise in my own head and very frequently I'm quick to zero in on my shortcomings instead of acknowledging the positive. So when I think about it my perfectionism stems from not wanting to fail, because if I fail that reflects to me as a person. And I think subconsciously I hold onto that because I think if I let go of fear of failing I'll lose my drive for doing something and won't have that ability to focus on succeeding.
But this is very faulty thinking. I'd rather be motivated and encouraged to do something because of being overwhelmingly positive instead of trying to avoid failure. I think it's similar to being an artist. There's no doubt in my mind that some artists tend to have dark outlooks and a grim view of reality that is reflected in art. So if an individual becomes very good at these pieces of art, it becomes close to ones own identity. They may be reluctant to change their outlook because they fear they will lose the essence of their art.
This just makes me think of people who struggle in life and then say they were glad it happened because it made them a stronger person. I can commend such positivity, but let's be honest. Given the choice to go through those hardships vs not having to, why would an individual choose to struggle? It seems in life we have dualities, but I'm starting to question these dualities.
But maybe I am looking at it the wrong way. It seems a lot of the things in life are a careful balance. This seems to be the natural order of the world. Unfortunately I feel as if my balance weighs heavily towards the struggle. A certain amount of hardship or challenge does forge character, but too much and you just feel like you are being kicked while you're down. After a certain point it's not beneficial anymore and it needs to change.
I'm guessing that this is the in between phase of changing your beliefs. It's almost like I'm stuck in a game of tug of war, one side pulling one way and another pulling the other. I know which side I want to move towards, but the other side is adamant on not allowing that to happen. Every so often I get glimpses into the person I can be, but then kind of fall back into familiar behaviors.
Overall I'm seeing changes. They are definitely there. It's just very gradual steps, very subtle shifts in how I deal with things in life. I've also returned to making electronic music, which is something I've always wanted to get better at, but I had the worst aversion to it because if I failed to make a decent song I took it pretty hard. But now it's just an attitude of, this stuff isn't going to be easy and it's not the end of the world if you aren't that good. But every time I dedicate time to practicing, I get better. Small and gradual, but I've learned a lot and there is still more to learn.
I'm definitely a perfectionist. Part of that is due to me having a strong desire to excel at something and when I put my mind to it I go 100%. But there doesn't seem to be enough compromise in my own head and very frequently I'm quick to zero in on my shortcomings instead of acknowledging the positive. So when I think about it my perfectionism stems from not wanting to fail, because if I fail that reflects to me as a person. And I think subconsciously I hold onto that because I think if I let go of fear of failing I'll lose my drive for doing something and won't have that ability to focus on succeeding.
But this is very faulty thinking. I'd rather be motivated and encouraged to do something because of being overwhelmingly positive instead of trying to avoid failure. I think it's similar to being an artist. There's no doubt in my mind that some artists tend to have dark outlooks and a grim view of reality that is reflected in art. So if an individual becomes very good at these pieces of art, it becomes close to ones own identity. They may be reluctant to change their outlook because they fear they will lose the essence of their art.
This just makes me think of people who struggle in life and then say they were glad it happened because it made them a stronger person. I can commend such positivity, but let's be honest. Given the choice to go through those hardships vs not having to, why would an individual choose to struggle? It seems in life we have dualities, but I'm starting to question these dualities.
But maybe I am looking at it the wrong way. It seems a lot of the things in life are a careful balance. This seems to be the natural order of the world. Unfortunately I feel as if my balance weighs heavily towards the struggle. A certain amount of hardship or challenge does forge character, but too much and you just feel like you are being kicked while you're down. After a certain point it's not beneficial anymore and it needs to change.
