Disconnect from negativity within

[mat422]

So an update on the ASC sub. The euphoric effect has faded, things have definitely leveled out. I am more confident. I speak my mind more and I feel more comfortable just being myself. But I'm not sure if confidence is what I need at this point or not. I feel like if you took away my fear I'd be able to show off more of this confidence. I'm not sure if building more confidence will necessarily lead to the eradication of fear. I feel like there's a lot going on and even though I feel like I'm becoming more confident, I also feel that something else is holding me back.

Mat, that's great news that ASC is working so well for you! Keep at it a while longer, to see what happens. I am also rather intimately familiar with depression, and I know that under AM5 I go through minicycles of emotional highs and lows. During the lows, the key for me has been to recognize the source (depression is a monkey on my back) and keep going. Now I know that AM5 is very different from ASC, but in my journey, these lows have come to represent an obstacle to be overcome before a breakthrough of some sort. I don't write about them in my journal, typically, because my life has been full of times when it has been unsafe to share such vulnerabilities.

I think another hard part is being misunderstood. There are some people out there that really are blessed with the ability to do whatever they want and live their life the way they want.

I deeply and sincerely believe that we have all been blessed with this ability, but many of us hide from it. A wise person once said that success is our greatest fear, way moreso than fear of failure. Depression is one method through which we humans sabotage our own birthright. I struggle with depression, and I've had to turn to pharmaceutical assistance to manage it due to events in my life that made it too dangerous to fight on my own. What I'm finding now is that there are many possibilities opening up to me now that I am getting rid of the influences in my life that were using my own depression and poor self esteem against me. In swim rescue training, students are taught to rescue the victim by surprise, because in many cases they will push the rescuer under the water as they struggle to stay above water. There were people in my life who were doing much the same, emotionally.

If you have the space and clarity, take a look at your life and see if you're trying to tread water while holding onto a boat anchor.

Thanks man. I've always been able to stay strong because I know things do get better. When you're in the depression though, it's hard but not impossible to hold onto that strength.

I agree that we all have been blessed. It's just a matter of overcoming those limitations. I've considered on numerous occasions to maybe start looking towards the use of antidepressants. I'm very glad that others can be helped with those drugs and in no way do I believe that they aren't helpful to a lot of people. But I've decided that I can't trust the science behind them and I'm trying to fix things on my own. They are a last resort for me.

I'll be sure to take a good look at my life when I experience more clarity. For the most part I believe my limitations have been imposed upon myself and those around me have been nothing but supportive. I can't hold others accountable for my own shortcomings, too many people already do that in the world.