09-18-2012, 05:03 PM
For the past few days I've just been really analyzing my life. I'm trying to get to a point where I'm honest with myself, but at the same time don't cling onto something so tightly that I'm reluctant to change.
My life has never been easy. I only have my perspective of life to go off of, so sometimes I really wonder how other people feel. Some people just never experience depression, trying to explain how I feel to them is incredibly difficult because I can't even understand myself sometimes. And if I try to explain how I'm hyper sensitive and have this fear of people, it's really easy to minimize that if they aren't in my shoes. It's definitely all in my head, but it's a very real aspect of my life that makes it hard to live.
The best way I can describe it is I've got an invisible barrier between me and the outside world. I've gotten a lot better over the years, and I've noticed lately there's a lot less anxiety. But something still feels off.
Then I read more about psychology and people with these various issues. It's always the cause being unknown. Nature vs nurture or a combination. And then it's the same method of treatment talk therapy and maybe medication. What's past is past, I don't believe uncovering those events will do anything. Although my mom has told me that when I was a kid she felt bad that she ignored me a lot of the time. I don't blame her for anything. Sometimes I just really wonder how much those years shaped me as an individual.
So an update on the ASC sub. The euphoric effect has faded, things have definitely leveled out. I am more confident. I speak my mind more and I feel more comfortable just being myself. But I'm not sure if confidence is what I need at this point or not. I feel like if you took away my fear I'd be able to show off more of this confidence. I'm not sure if building more confidence will necessarily lead to the eradication of fear. I feel like there's a lot going on and even though I feel like I'm becoming more confident, I also feel that something else is holding me back.
I really don't know anymore. The more I start breaking stuff down, the more complicated it gets. It seems like I'm hyper sensitive, which makes me very wary of other peoples motives. This in turn causes me to have excessive fear in order to protect myself. But there is also a lot of guilt for having a very difficult time overcoming that fear, which I believe is the cause of a lot of the depression I've experienced in my life. I know the most common advice is to just get out there and push through the fear, which I try to do. But I've felt in my life I've never really acclimated to the fear, I feel like most people push past it and then are able to tackle similar situations in the future. The more I put myself in these situations the more I have a subconscious habit of withdrawing and potentially sabotaging my efforts.
I think another hard part is being misunderstood. There are some people out there that really are blessed with the ability to do whatever they want and live their life the way they want. They look at other people struggling and just don't get it, because it is simple to them, it's so obvious what to do. I'm doing what I can to overcome my shortcomings, but I don't appreciate how society generally regards people struggling as weak. I feel like I'm pretty strong for the amount of stuff in my life I have to deal with on a regular basis. It's just I've felt shackled to a boulder I've been dragging around for a lot of my life.
My life has never been easy. I only have my perspective of life to go off of, so sometimes I really wonder how other people feel. Some people just never experience depression, trying to explain how I feel to them is incredibly difficult because I can't even understand myself sometimes. And if I try to explain how I'm hyper sensitive and have this fear of people, it's really easy to minimize that if they aren't in my shoes. It's definitely all in my head, but it's a very real aspect of my life that makes it hard to live.
The best way I can describe it is I've got an invisible barrier between me and the outside world. I've gotten a lot better over the years, and I've noticed lately there's a lot less anxiety. But something still feels off.
Then I read more about psychology and people with these various issues. It's always the cause being unknown. Nature vs nurture or a combination. And then it's the same method of treatment talk therapy and maybe medication. What's past is past, I don't believe uncovering those events will do anything. Although my mom has told me that when I was a kid she felt bad that she ignored me a lot of the time. I don't blame her for anything. Sometimes I just really wonder how much those years shaped me as an individual.
So an update on the ASC sub. The euphoric effect has faded, things have definitely leveled out. I am more confident. I speak my mind more and I feel more comfortable just being myself. But I'm not sure if confidence is what I need at this point or not. I feel like if you took away my fear I'd be able to show off more of this confidence. I'm not sure if building more confidence will necessarily lead to the eradication of fear. I feel like there's a lot going on and even though I feel like I'm becoming more confident, I also feel that something else is holding me back.
I really don't know anymore. The more I start breaking stuff down, the more complicated it gets. It seems like I'm hyper sensitive, which makes me very wary of other peoples motives. This in turn causes me to have excessive fear in order to protect myself. But there is also a lot of guilt for having a very difficult time overcoming that fear, which I believe is the cause of a lot of the depression I've experienced in my life. I know the most common advice is to just get out there and push through the fear, which I try to do. But I've felt in my life I've never really acclimated to the fear, I feel like most people push past it and then are able to tackle similar situations in the future. The more I put myself in these situations the more I have a subconscious habit of withdrawing and potentially sabotaging my efforts.
I think another hard part is being misunderstood. There are some people out there that really are blessed with the ability to do whatever they want and live their life the way they want. They look at other people struggling and just don't get it, because it is simple to them, it's so obvious what to do. I'm doing what I can to overcome my shortcomings, but I don't appreciate how society generally regards people struggling as weak. I feel like I'm pretty strong for the amount of stuff in my life I have to deal with on a regular basis. It's just I've felt shackled to a boulder I've been dragging around for a lot of my life.
