11-26-2023, 10:00 PM
Looks like the fearful part of me is trying to return, compulsive thoughts come through my mind and now it even cause me physical pain, maybe the stomach or the neck or the throat but that only happen occasionally, as for the compulsive thoughts those are more likely to be about something going wrong, this time is not about killing myself fortunately.
Actually if i recall past experiences most of those compulsive thoughts are about failures or something that could happen and lead me to failure (death is one of those as well, of course is different from thinking i'm about to die just because the fearful part is resisting) and if i trace more of those experiences i get to remember situations when i was expecting something very excited until something occurred and ruined it, those experiences repeated again and again until at some point i was just expecting to fail or something going wrong, if that's how my subcoscious operates then is no wonder why i keep failing and giving up before starting.
Actually if i recall past experiences most of those compulsive thoughts are about failures or something that could happen and lead me to failure (death is one of those as well, of course is different from thinking i'm about to die just because the fearful part is resisting) and if i trace more of those experiences i get to remember situations when i was expecting something very excited until something occurred and ruined it, those experiences repeated again and again until at some point i was just expecting to fail or something going wrong, if that's how my subcoscious operates then is no wonder why i keep failing and giving up before starting.
