03-18-2023, 09:19 AM
(03-17-2023, 10:07 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote: Thought I would give a quick update.
With running this sub I have gotten more and more the feeling that I really don't want to rely too much on anyone. I was thinking about this a bit after the incident with my father (which he did try to contact me again but I'm not interested). I know when I think about it had I moved there I probably would have gotten comfortable and started going through the motions. I don't think I want to go through that. I think I need to fully be on my own. I might stay for just a little bit more to pay off a debt I have here then afterwards I might try to get either 1 good remote job or 2 smaller remote jobs so I can move outside the country where the costs are a lot cheaper and I can save more. Also wouldn't have as much issue having more time to study I think.
I'm listening to this sub a lot more frequently recently as well because I feel the desire to. I don't know but I just feel more relaxed and comfortable when I know I am about to listen to it and I feel similar while listening though I can feel it working on things. I just feel a lot less worried these days and a lot more calm. Also whatever blocks I had towards learning (I assume these are probably the same things keeping me from bettering myself through my CS program) have basically been dissolved. I realize I like computer science/ programming and I can actually do this as a career. I think part of the reason I had some fear regarding this is my background. As some might know I am part African American and part native American (to a smaller degree) but mainstream African American culture and community is very anti intellectual or trying to honestly improve yourself. I got some of this whenever I had to interact with other black people. Its like all that was important was having this dumb "hoodswag" nonsense. If you didn't fit that stereotype you were considered lame or they even have another term called "educated lame". Hell, this wasn't even just limited to other black people this would come from other people as well. Hell, I even had a white person say "I'm blacker than you" to which the other black person nearby laughed and agreed with them. I had to deal with this quite a while and I knew this whole mentality was backwards but doesn't mean it didn't affect me to a degree.
However I think running this sub has dissolved a lot of this. I think this was because I was shamed for wanting to educate and better myself. As if being educated to better your life was some "white person thing". I think this is what led to the blockage when I would run MLS. I would try to set a time to study but before then I would turn on the video game console or youtube and just waste more and more time until I was tired. It was like my mind was finding any way to avoid studying or getting my university stuff done. Its probably because I associated learning and getting educated with being shamed. I think I also associated success (like being on my way to earning six figures) with getting more attention from people which means getting ridiculed and shamed as well. This is mainly because whenever I got attention it was to be shamed and ridiculed. So it was like I was in this weird place where I wanted to make something of myself and do great things but at the same time I associated those things with fear of being shamed for wanting or achieving those things. I do think the cycle has basically been broken though. I notice now that consistently everyday almost I am getting my studies done without much effort and I am actually enjoying it.
I did realize one other thing which I think the subliminal brought to my attention and is probably why I might not want to rely as much on people. I came to the realization that my father isn't all who I wished he was. I already had these feelings when talking to him about certain things. He would have a stubbornness when talking about certain subjects and literally had weird ideas about things that made no sense to me. Like I remember when he would give me relationship advice saying only to marry a woman who has a degree and is educated (in the institutionalized sense) and the way he made it sound it was like a woman like that is less likely to divorce you. News flash for anyone reading, a woman with a degree is more likely to divorce based on the numbers (this is based on American stats). I don't know where he got this weird idea that because a woman has a degree she isn't going to divorce you most likely. Its funny I just realized it now as I typed this and I figured him out. He literally basis his opinions on nothing but what he has experienced and takes that as objective fact. I mean sometimes when you point out objective facts to him then only then will he think about it.
I realized as well after analyzing things he wasn't as alpha as I thought. Yeah he would be hard on men to a degree and "eventually" be hard on women but he kept on getting screwed over by women all the way into his 40s. He would only realized he had missed a whole bunch of red flags after the fact. There was one while he was in his early 40s where he decided to be a cosigner for a loan and she defaulted on the loan which then screwed over his credit. The major one was with my mother. I think I hadn't gone over the story in detail but short version is while my mother was married to my father she got in contact with her previous abusive boyfriend (he was the one that tried to do so again by saying he wanted to see his daugher which was a lie). She would start leaving the house to have my older half sister watch us (when she was only like 9 years old) and going to have fun with this guy. My father took my brother and me, correct decision in my opinion, and I think he had us for a period of 2 years. Problem is during that 2 years he never divorced her even though she was running around with that guy and probably some others. After the 2 years she tried to comeback with some sob story and trying to say she wants to be a family again. She "curiously" asks to have me and my brother for a while to which he stupidly agrees to which even his own lawyer asked him why he did that. Next thing you know she is cheating again with my step father while he has the kids, she turns on the water works and he forgives her and gives her the kids. Next thing you know she sends divorce papers.
After going over that story I really wonder what kind of man would forgive his wife fooling around somewhere else with some guy for 2 years and not had divorced her all that time when he had custody of us then later on gives up that custody because he wanted her back even after that. Regardless after thinking about it with a clear mind provided by this sub I really came to the conclusion that both parents are fucked up. I have made peace with that fact as I said and if I have to rely on myself then so be it. I know as long as I think with a clear mind and have the determination I will make it through this life just fine. I only went through all this in this post because I feel like I have to be totally honest about what is going on with detail so people can get a clearer picture of what is going on in my life as I write these things. Also it gives a contrast of just how much this sub is impacting my life that I can fully admit this stuff without fear so I can get my point across.
Once again I am glad I am running this. I did look at when this came out and realized that the 3rd month mark for me would be late next month and the 4th month mark would be late may. I intend to keep going with this until either one of those points as I feel like I might have cleared up most issues. I'm only approaching the 2 month mark now and feel quite good. I'm actually getting these feelings of joy and happiness at random times. Anyway, that is it for now. I will update when something else comes up.
This post touched me on multiple levels. You're rising above the false paradigms of societal influence and upbringing. Amazing progress.
Repped (and wish I could rep more)
