04-19-2022, 01:16 AM
Ok SO
I tried starting UMS again, but I went and had a spiritual experience, where I saw and experienced things which were very much out of this world. This left me rootless for a while, trying to find my feet and reason for doing things. I had very little connection to the material for a while and was just kind of floating around (not literally, as in I was just listless for a while).
In this experience, let's call it a dream so I don't violate any rules. I was confronted with a lot of negativity - telling me I was nothing and no body, and 'who the hell did I think I was' ( coming to that place). In it I learned that nothing would affirm me. In the Chaos of reality, it is upon me to be the 'witness' and affirmation of my existence. I wonder if this makes sense to anyone, Shannon I'd appreciate your views since I'm sure you know more about this.
This has thrown up some real existential problems for me, ego and personal will is a problem in the faith tradition i'm raised in (and programming I have), and I have some anxiety about what's typically referred to as 'sin', particularly the ill of placing one's own ego and personal needs above everything else. I'm also often overwhelmed by how many problems there are in the world and my inability to do anything about it.
Anyway - I will resolve this and continue on my journey.
Other things that are happening.
- Taken up catch wrestling, which is the hardest thing i've ever done. after several weeks I'm quite hooked and really learning a lot about myself and interactions with others. Some things I'm learning are.
- how I hide when it comes to conflict,
how I 'tap out' far to quickly in every aspect of my life, when a little more determination will give me a win.
- how people's body language intimidates me,
- most importantly how I impact others.. I've never competed or fought for anything against someone, and I only perceive their impact on me, but the reality is I have an impact too. And I can intimidate, push on and be determined;
- how knowledge and skill makes the process easier, If i know more and have more skill than the other guy, I can use less energy
- hugely, the importance of not spending energy recklessly, I do this so much in my phone addiction, in brooding on things neurotically.
Otherwise I have, finally, gotten a new job - it pays me a good amount more but I don't know where it will take me after. I'm considering completing a qualification as well.
I tried starting UMS again, but I went and had a spiritual experience, where I saw and experienced things which were very much out of this world. This left me rootless for a while, trying to find my feet and reason for doing things. I had very little connection to the material for a while and was just kind of floating around (not literally, as in I was just listless for a while).
In this experience, let's call it a dream so I don't violate any rules. I was confronted with a lot of negativity - telling me I was nothing and no body, and 'who the hell did I think I was' ( coming to that place). In it I learned that nothing would affirm me. In the Chaos of reality, it is upon me to be the 'witness' and affirmation of my existence. I wonder if this makes sense to anyone, Shannon I'd appreciate your views since I'm sure you know more about this.
This has thrown up some real existential problems for me, ego and personal will is a problem in the faith tradition i'm raised in (and programming I have), and I have some anxiety about what's typically referred to as 'sin', particularly the ill of placing one's own ego and personal needs above everything else. I'm also often overwhelmed by how many problems there are in the world and my inability to do anything about it.
Anyway - I will resolve this and continue on my journey.
Other things that are happening.
- Taken up catch wrestling, which is the hardest thing i've ever done. after several weeks I'm quite hooked and really learning a lot about myself and interactions with others. Some things I'm learning are.
- how I hide when it comes to conflict,
how I 'tap out' far to quickly in every aspect of my life, when a little more determination will give me a win.
- how people's body language intimidates me,
- most importantly how I impact others.. I've never competed or fought for anything against someone, and I only perceive their impact on me, but the reality is I have an impact too. And I can intimidate, push on and be determined;
- how knowledge and skill makes the process easier, If i know more and have more skill than the other guy, I can use less energy
- hugely, the importance of not spending energy recklessly, I do this so much in my phone addiction, in brooding on things neurotically.
Otherwise I have, finally, gotten a new job - it pays me a good amount more but I don't know where it will take me after. I'm considering completing a qualification as well.
