07-23-2021, 11:23 AM
Alot to get through so lets get on with it...
Day 66/180 OFF #1- Friday 23 July - part 2
5) RE: @RTBoss
So im over my anger lol I spent 3 hours (including 2 random phone calls that interrupted me hence the 3 hours) diligently sifting through my journal in 1 tab, copying/pasting into another tab where my reply was open to then simply hit send with accompanying thoughts and dissections. Alas I lost it all once I reached the end. That pissed me right off so I left to eat and then played my video game and now finally feel energised and motivated again so im back.
In summary:
My journal is actually in 2 parts. This isnt the readers fault for being unaware of this, but mine for not making it clear. Everything before June 10th is what I regard as simply listening to get the hours in and the progressive change started for the period after June 10th.
Pre-June 10th was when I was in the UK. There its a safety bubble, my sleep is shockingly poor and bad, this includes my sleep time which is why I then struggle when at uni to fix my sleep and other things. That environment isnt where I face my fears, where I live them, im safe, im secluded, im untested so any indication of execution is great but my fears arent being tested or challenged.
Post June 10th - this is when I flew back to Europe and back in my uni apartment/flat. Even though im home 24/7 due to covid and only go in due to exams im hardly outside either though im attempting to get walking started while the sun is shining. Point is that here is where I am facing the BIGGEST challenges of fear, such as procrastination, insecurities, self image issues etc. Even fears such as insects, heights etc. Heights being tested isnt likely as im not anywhere high up, however insects if they cross me at home will be a test. Fear around studying, such as learning/studying to making calls or researching around my career etc.
From my journal it is clear that I am executing and that is prevalent by default from the types of resistance I have been shown I am exhibiting indicating a turmoil thus the subconscious is being challenged by the subliminal and also by random dreams and tiredness or feelings though feelings are subjective and clearly arbitrary in my case as im not always sure of them nor aware of what they are or mean.
This being said the issue stems from not being able to see consistent signs and indicators that go beyond the dreams or tiredness. My fears are very much still there and these are the only tangible signs I can have when i have them, that the sub is working in that my fears reduce or vanish.
So my wording has to change, it isnt that I mean when I am doubtful whether or not am I executing, sure that is clear but is it working at the best intensity for me, because the fears are still there after 60+ days.
Put another way, I am showing signs I am subconsciously listening to the sub and thus executing because I have 4-5 types of resistances exhibited, I am feeling tired or have done and I have had some dreams but after 60days this is so far all I seem to be showing. I haven't seen anything in relation to my fears, fears that I know I still have, from minor insecurities to larger ones.
This is why i am moving to hybrid and will move up in intensity until I know fears are being squashed!
Proviso: if hybrid disturbs my sleep, or causes too much friction ill resort to US and then increase the loops that way of course. Its about finding that sweet spot.
Whilst others in their journals speak of euphoric feelings or positive emotions that negates fears or they offer a clear insight into how the sub is making them feel different or how they have less fear, for me this eludes me. This leads me to then become apprehensive and doubtful that then causes me to be deluded. So for me it isn't that the sub isn't being executed but the fear is that the execution may be less potent to do any real damage to my fears, quick enough. I guess put another way its working too slow on me and then im left wondering is it indeed working but what I really mean is, is it at the right intensity to do the most it can for me.
Afterall the sub giving me dreams etc is all well and good but fear evaporation is the name of the game.
Since the POST 10th June period, the fears leading to mood changes of laziness and apathy are there and clear and obvious as well as the procrastination amongst others. The real test for this sub began from this period on. Which is why my confusion as to how the sub is working for me and if it is came about more after this period.
6) I did a google search for procrastination and fear and came across a page that I had read before but this time I made notes on it and really tried to internalise it. The page explained procrastination to be fear not laziness and a 3 step approach to overcome it when it arises:
i) Acknowledge that it is fear, nothing about me but that it is my fear at the said task ahead.
ii) Forgive yourself, realise that its acceptable to be afraid and that this is normal.
iii) Dont say to yourself to 'just do it' but to say to yourself "Just Get Started"
That 3rd step energised me, just changing the script gave me a different mindset and made me feel energised again which led me to come here and update this post before seeing what else I can do, because as Prince Adam of Eternia once said "I HAVE THE POWER!"
7) Today otherwise has been a lousy day with fear and procrastination otherwise.
After the 2 days off, i will begin with Hybrid. Downloaded already, on my phone and playlists of both ocean and trickling stream, set up and ready to go!
Day 66/180 OFF #1- Friday 23 July - part 2
5) RE: @RTBoss
So im over my anger lol I spent 3 hours (including 2 random phone calls that interrupted me hence the 3 hours) diligently sifting through my journal in 1 tab, copying/pasting into another tab where my reply was open to then simply hit send with accompanying thoughts and dissections. Alas I lost it all once I reached the end. That pissed me right off so I left to eat and then played my video game and now finally feel energised and motivated again so im back.
In summary:
My journal is actually in 2 parts. This isnt the readers fault for being unaware of this, but mine for not making it clear. Everything before June 10th is what I regard as simply listening to get the hours in and the progressive change started for the period after June 10th.
Pre-June 10th was when I was in the UK. There its a safety bubble, my sleep is shockingly poor and bad, this includes my sleep time which is why I then struggle when at uni to fix my sleep and other things. That environment isnt where I face my fears, where I live them, im safe, im secluded, im untested so any indication of execution is great but my fears arent being tested or challenged.
Post June 10th - this is when I flew back to Europe and back in my uni apartment/flat. Even though im home 24/7 due to covid and only go in due to exams im hardly outside either though im attempting to get walking started while the sun is shining. Point is that here is where I am facing the BIGGEST challenges of fear, such as procrastination, insecurities, self image issues etc. Even fears such as insects, heights etc. Heights being tested isnt likely as im not anywhere high up, however insects if they cross me at home will be a test. Fear around studying, such as learning/studying to making calls or researching around my career etc.
From my journal it is clear that I am executing and that is prevalent by default from the types of resistance I have been shown I am exhibiting indicating a turmoil thus the subconscious is being challenged by the subliminal and also by random dreams and tiredness or feelings though feelings are subjective and clearly arbitrary in my case as im not always sure of them nor aware of what they are or mean.
This being said the issue stems from not being able to see consistent signs and indicators that go beyond the dreams or tiredness. My fears are very much still there and these are the only tangible signs I can have when i have them, that the sub is working in that my fears reduce or vanish.
So my wording has to change, it isnt that I mean when I am doubtful whether or not am I executing, sure that is clear but is it working at the best intensity for me, because the fears are still there after 60+ days.
Put another way, I am showing signs I am subconsciously listening to the sub and thus executing because I have 4-5 types of resistances exhibited, I am feeling tired or have done and I have had some dreams but after 60days this is so far all I seem to be showing. I haven't seen anything in relation to my fears, fears that I know I still have, from minor insecurities to larger ones.
This is why i am moving to hybrid and will move up in intensity until I know fears are being squashed!
Proviso: if hybrid disturbs my sleep, or causes too much friction ill resort to US and then increase the loops that way of course. Its about finding that sweet spot.
Whilst others in their journals speak of euphoric feelings or positive emotions that negates fears or they offer a clear insight into how the sub is making them feel different or how they have less fear, for me this eludes me. This leads me to then become apprehensive and doubtful that then causes me to be deluded. So for me it isn't that the sub isn't being executed but the fear is that the execution may be less potent to do any real damage to my fears, quick enough. I guess put another way its working too slow on me and then im left wondering is it indeed working but what I really mean is, is it at the right intensity to do the most it can for me.
Afterall the sub giving me dreams etc is all well and good but fear evaporation is the name of the game.
Since the POST 10th June period, the fears leading to mood changes of laziness and apathy are there and clear and obvious as well as the procrastination amongst others. The real test for this sub began from this period on. Which is why my confusion as to how the sub is working for me and if it is came about more after this period.
6) I did a google search for procrastination and fear and came across a page that I had read before but this time I made notes on it and really tried to internalise it. The page explained procrastination to be fear not laziness and a 3 step approach to overcome it when it arises:
i) Acknowledge that it is fear, nothing about me but that it is my fear at the said task ahead.
ii) Forgive yourself, realise that its acceptable to be afraid and that this is normal.
iii) Dont say to yourself to 'just do it' but to say to yourself "Just Get Started"
That 3rd step energised me, just changing the script gave me a different mindset and made me feel energised again which led me to come here and update this post before seeing what else I can do, because as Prince Adam of Eternia once said "I HAVE THE POWER!"
7) Today otherwise has been a lousy day with fear and procrastination otherwise.
After the 2 days off, i will begin with Hybrid. Downloaded already, on my phone and playlists of both ocean and trickling stream, set up and ready to go!
OF3 5.75.7G 13/15Vol
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
