07-23-2021, 08:26 AM
Day 68
I'm facing some deep insecurities today. They're from the same source that the extreme anxiety on Sunday and Monday. These insecurities involve love, romance, marriage, etc. When I feel deeply, I have a tendency to withdraw to protect myself. This is a practice I've developed over the years in response to emotionally painful experiences. The problem with this is that it pushes away the very people the I want to be close to. On one hand, I want to feel wanted, desired, nurtured, needed, and loved. On the other hand, I'm sending the signals that I actually do want the exact opposite. I'm sometimes even delusional enough to believe that. In fact, I've even mentioned wanting to be left alone and anti-social tendencies in this journal. At the time, that's exactly how I felt, at least on the surface.
OFv3 is breaking down the fears that caused these delusions to begin with. Now it's exposing the deeper fears and I'm feeling the flood of emotions that comes along with that revelation. In one post, I mentioned feeling like I was transitioning between two tiers (the easiest ones) of fear. Maybe I just leveled up. If so, the first stage of the real battles is about to begin. I have a feeling that I'm not going to use less than two hybrid loops from here on.
I'm facing some deep insecurities today. They're from the same source that the extreme anxiety on Sunday and Monday. These insecurities involve love, romance, marriage, etc. When I feel deeply, I have a tendency to withdraw to protect myself. This is a practice I've developed over the years in response to emotionally painful experiences. The problem with this is that it pushes away the very people the I want to be close to. On one hand, I want to feel wanted, desired, nurtured, needed, and loved. On the other hand, I'm sending the signals that I actually do want the exact opposite. I'm sometimes even delusional enough to believe that. In fact, I've even mentioned wanting to be left alone and anti-social tendencies in this journal. At the time, that's exactly how I felt, at least on the surface.
OFv3 is breaking down the fears that caused these delusions to begin with. Now it's exposing the deeper fears and I'm feeling the flood of emotions that comes along with that revelation. In one post, I mentioned feeling like I was transitioning between two tiers (the easiest ones) of fear. Maybe I just leveled up. If so, the first stage of the real battles is about to begin. I have a feeling that I'm not going to use less than two hybrid loops from here on.
