07-18-2021, 02:20 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-18-2021, 02:21 PM by Chris P. Bacon.)
As soon as I started the first loop I felt a sense of relief, but it was more like "good time to get back to work" relief or something like that. It seems that part of me is on the change train and part of me is desperately fighting to keep things the same. To have two such conflicting feelings and sentiments is a mysterious feeling.
As the 2nd loop is going on the anxiety/panic is turning into an apathy/nihilism feeling. It's also feeling like part of me is unable to overwhelm OF3 and feels, for lack of a better term, a "bitter death". I have only experienced something similar to this once in my life and it wasn't quite the same. It feels like hopelessness from fighting against a force that is more powerful than oneself and losing whilst still fighting. The sub is giving me an "outside perspective" on the experience. That's good because if I was caught in this feeling I would be drowning in misery or panic right now. However, the gravity of feelings, which I am mostly shielded from, feel more grave than is possible to convey through words. Yesterday and the day before the sub just didn't have as good a handle on the emotions as it does now. It would be nice to see this as progress. I wonder if this is the fear of death. Can't be sure.
Tiredness is starting to subside as well. I wonder if we are capable of running more loops on subs without fatigue once fear and resistance is removed?
As the 2nd loop is going on the anxiety/panic is turning into an apathy/nihilism feeling. It's also feeling like part of me is unable to overwhelm OF3 and feels, for lack of a better term, a "bitter death". I have only experienced something similar to this once in my life and it wasn't quite the same. It feels like hopelessness from fighting against a force that is more powerful than oneself and losing whilst still fighting. The sub is giving me an "outside perspective" on the experience. That's good because if I was caught in this feeling I would be drowning in misery or panic right now. However, the gravity of feelings, which I am mostly shielded from, feel more grave than is possible to convey through words. Yesterday and the day before the sub just didn't have as good a handle on the emotions as it does now. It would be nice to see this as progress. I wonder if this is the fear of death. Can't be sure.
Tiredness is starting to subside as well. I wonder if we are capable of running more loops on subs without fatigue once fear and resistance is removed?
