Day 62
RTBoss mentioned "skeletons" in his journal and it reminded me of some similar experiences that I've had over the past few weeks. One night, I had a flash of an experience from my younger years where I had done something that I'm not proud of. In my awake state, I can't remember what it was, but I was deeply ashamed and my anxiety was through the roof. That issue has subsided.
Another instance was when I was at work. My mind had wondered off and another experience from my younger years arose. I partially remember this one. I was completely abusing someone with my words and I was doing it intentionally. It was coming from a place of emotional pain and my verbal abuse temporarily took me out of that pain to to a place of power. At the time that this "skeleton" arose, I knew who I was talking to, where I was, my age, etc. As I type this, I can't remember any of that. What I do remember is the guilt and the shame that I felt. How could I do that to someone? How could this person ever forgive me? Do I even deserve to be forgiven? Why? I thought that if this person could see how much I've grown since that moment that maybe it would help make things right between us. Since I don't remember who it was, I'll have to settle for using this as an opportunity to understand myself then and in this moment.
I've done things that I consider to be very wrong. But instead of blocking it all out to preserve whatever 'precious image' that I try to present to the world and to myself, I need to accept that I've messed up (badly in some cases) and use those experiences to gain understanding of the various aspects of myself. The "me" that was so mean many years ago still exists. I've just locked him away because I'm scared of him. Why? Because on one end of the spectrum, I tend to view emotional pain as weakness. On the other end of the spectrum, I tend to view lashing out as psychotic. But how much havoc and turbulence has that "me" caused in my life because he hasn't had his chance to be heard and understood?
Thank you @RTBoss for your post on this subject. It's really helping me to ponder my own similar experiences.
RTBoss mentioned "skeletons" in his journal and it reminded me of some similar experiences that I've had over the past few weeks. One night, I had a flash of an experience from my younger years where I had done something that I'm not proud of. In my awake state, I can't remember what it was, but I was deeply ashamed and my anxiety was through the roof. That issue has subsided.
Another instance was when I was at work. My mind had wondered off and another experience from my younger years arose. I partially remember this one. I was completely abusing someone with my words and I was doing it intentionally. It was coming from a place of emotional pain and my verbal abuse temporarily took me out of that pain to to a place of power. At the time that this "skeleton" arose, I knew who I was talking to, where I was, my age, etc. As I type this, I can't remember any of that. What I do remember is the guilt and the shame that I felt. How could I do that to someone? How could this person ever forgive me? Do I even deserve to be forgiven? Why? I thought that if this person could see how much I've grown since that moment that maybe it would help make things right between us. Since I don't remember who it was, I'll have to settle for using this as an opportunity to understand myself then and in this moment.
I've done things that I consider to be very wrong. But instead of blocking it all out to preserve whatever 'precious image' that I try to present to the world and to myself, I need to accept that I've messed up (badly in some cases) and use those experiences to gain understanding of the various aspects of myself. The "me" that was so mean many years ago still exists. I've just locked him away because I'm scared of him. Why? Because on one end of the spectrum, I tend to view emotional pain as weakness. On the other end of the spectrum, I tend to view lashing out as psychotic. But how much havoc and turbulence has that "me" caused in my life because he hasn't had his chance to be heard and understood?
Thank you @RTBoss for your post on this subject. It's really helping me to ponder my own similar experiences.
