07-15-2021, 06:32 AM
(07-15-2021, 06:11 AM)NOMAD Wrote: Day 59
I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image, I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.
Fear has had a push/pull effect on me with regard to physical fitness for years. I tend to be an "all or nothing" kind of guy. I'm either going to have a perfect routine and be ripped or I'm not going to waste my time... I'll just stay flabby. I think this is rooted in a deep-seated fear of failure. I either muster up enough energy to make sure I succeed by going all in or i don't even try. I justify this outlook with mind games...if i don't try, i don't fail. As I get older and slightly wiser, I realize more and more that this outlook is a failure-based mentality. That ultimately means that avoiding something due to fear of failure means that I'm accepting failure by default. That's a pretty simple truth that I've wrestled against for as long as I can remember. I perpetually allow "perfection " to get in the way of "good enough" and end up experiencing "nothing at all"...pathetic. Given that background, I decided yesterday that I would start taking steps toward getting back in shape. I hadn't worked out my diet plan but figured I would consciously reduce my calorie intake to jump start the practice of self-discipline. Before bed, a ravenous craving for something sweet hit me. Before I even realized what was happening I had eaten an apple coated in peanut butter and a huge bowl of ice cream. So much for self-discipline. While falling asleep, I went inside my mind to observe what was going on. That's when i realized that I'm in a struggle to level up to the next tier of fear. Apparently my half-hearted attempt at discipline triggered a fear response which, in turn, sabotaged my initial effort (if you even want to call it that). In the end, I can overcome it with proper planning but this post really isn't about fitness. It's about overcoming fear a d where I believe I am in that journey.
Perhaps what you are doing is that one part of you, being a more fluid part disliking rules is revolting against the other part of you who want to "discipline" yourself, bouncing from one part to the other, each one trying to have their way.
What I have noticed regarding taking care of my health is to stick to small steps and being kind to myself. There is really no need to have a super-strict regimen to be healthy, rather to achieve a balance between pleasure and exercise. Letting yourself enjoy eating and develop a healthy relationship to it, and learn to enjoy exercising and having a healthy relationship to that as well.
I'll try to take a few runs every week, and exercise in body-weight training a few times every week, eating good food (no low-fat products or artificial sweeteners - but instead the real stuff in moderate quanities, that give the body real nutrients and the enjoyment of eating a real cooked meal).
I'm enjoying reading your thoughts!
