05-29-2021, 08:34 AM
In pondering my way forward with OF v3, I've come up with these data points:
To begin, when I got up this morning and started considering what to post, I had a very strong sense of deja vu.
Next, from my first post in this thread:
“...I fell asleep almost immediately. I never do that. It was like the flip of a switch.“
Although I didn't post it at the time, I have now come around to acknowledging that this incident was more like “blacking out” than it was like falling asleep really quickly. So I'm going to say that when the loop of OF3 started playing, my subconscious 'cut the power' to my conscious mind.
Per my schedule, I ran one loop per night last Monday and Tuesday (24th and 25th.) At work Wednesday and Thursday, I had so much anger and rage, it was almost intolerable. Luckily, I remembered something that I had first become aware of maybe 8-10 years ago. But my conscious mind is so well-insulated from this realization, that it rarely enters my awareness. The realization is that some part of me is absolutely enraged that I “have to be here.” My assumption is that underneath this rage is the Mother of All Fears.
This next is a sort of an x factor, but I'm including it because my gut says it could be important. Story time:
A few years ago I attended a retreat. On the last evening, there were some celebratory toasts, a nice meal, and a few glasses of wine. I started chatting with the person next to me (who also happened to be a nurse.) Our talk rambled around from topic to topic, and at some point I began talking about an incident from my childhood which I remembered quite vividly. It was my first day of kindergarten, so I was six years old. My mother took me to the classroom (I of course was nervous/shy/uncertain) and my mother said, oh look, there's Bobby, there's Susie, you remember them. Apparently these were children I had met before, but I didn't remember any of them. (There were a couple more incidents like this from childhood that I remember, but this was the earliest.)
And then the nurse says in a very matter-of -fact manner “oh, that's face blindness.” I was dumbfounded. I had never even heard of that. It was apparent that this would have had a huge impact on my entire life. It does explain a lot of things. Even now I am very “context dependent” in remembering people. For example, if I see someone I know from work in a different environment, I may not recognize them, or if I do, I can't remember their name, or from where I know them.
So, of course I look it up online, and it mostly says that it's a brain disorder. My gut says that there is a possibility that it was caused by some trauma or abuse that occurred very early in my life, and that is why I am mentioning it here.
It's the weekend, and tonight and tomorrow are my days on, so I will run 1 loop of ultrasonic each night. After that, I will be approaching the 14-day mark, and I may have to re-evaluate my usage pattern. I simply cannot be getting all rage-y at work. I know there's something very deep that must go, I just need to find the best way forward.
To begin, when I got up this morning and started considering what to post, I had a very strong sense of deja vu.
Next, from my first post in this thread:
“...I fell asleep almost immediately. I never do that. It was like the flip of a switch.“
Although I didn't post it at the time, I have now come around to acknowledging that this incident was more like “blacking out” than it was like falling asleep really quickly. So I'm going to say that when the loop of OF3 started playing, my subconscious 'cut the power' to my conscious mind.
Per my schedule, I ran one loop per night last Monday and Tuesday (24th and 25th.) At work Wednesday and Thursday, I had so much anger and rage, it was almost intolerable. Luckily, I remembered something that I had first become aware of maybe 8-10 years ago. But my conscious mind is so well-insulated from this realization, that it rarely enters my awareness. The realization is that some part of me is absolutely enraged that I “have to be here.” My assumption is that underneath this rage is the Mother of All Fears.
This next is a sort of an x factor, but I'm including it because my gut says it could be important. Story time:
A few years ago I attended a retreat. On the last evening, there were some celebratory toasts, a nice meal, and a few glasses of wine. I started chatting with the person next to me (who also happened to be a nurse.) Our talk rambled around from topic to topic, and at some point I began talking about an incident from my childhood which I remembered quite vividly. It was my first day of kindergarten, so I was six years old. My mother took me to the classroom (I of course was nervous/shy/uncertain) and my mother said, oh look, there's Bobby, there's Susie, you remember them. Apparently these were children I had met before, but I didn't remember any of them. (There were a couple more incidents like this from childhood that I remember, but this was the earliest.)
And then the nurse says in a very matter-of -fact manner “oh, that's face blindness.” I was dumbfounded. I had never even heard of that. It was apparent that this would have had a huge impact on my entire life. It does explain a lot of things. Even now I am very “context dependent” in remembering people. For example, if I see someone I know from work in a different environment, I may not recognize them, or if I do, I can't remember their name, or from where I know them.
So, of course I look it up online, and it mostly says that it's a brain disorder. My gut says that there is a possibility that it was caused by some trauma or abuse that occurred very early in my life, and that is why I am mentioning it here.
It's the weekend, and tonight and tomorrow are my days on, so I will run 1 loop of ultrasonic each night. After that, I will be approaching the 14-day mark, and I may have to re-evaluate my usage pattern. I simply cannot be getting all rage-y at work. I know there's something very deep that must go, I just need to find the best way forward.
The banquet you enjoy depends on what you bring to the table.
