08-07-2012, 06:39 PM
Just wanted to write something down so I can reflect on it at another time. I haven't looked through my old journals in a while and I think I might do that.
Before alpha and all these subs I was very different. After running through alpha twice I feel like I did improve. But I didn't improve to the ideal self I had pictured in my mind and that's where I think I've been hard on myself for a while.
Even though I'm stuck in a rut right now and I'm going to be seeing a therapist soon, I feel as if I have changed substantially. But when you are still plagued by deep issues it makes it seem like no progress has been made at all. Let me put it this way, before all the subs it was like standing in a fire, it was literally hell for me. After the subs it's like only half my body is in that fire. Yeah it's still really painful and I'm not completely out of it yet, but I made progress.
I think that's why I feel like I'm still the same person, even though I'm not. I haven't reached that end goal of who I've always wanted to be and the small changes aren't acknowledged as much. It's that all or nothing perfectionist mentality that always haunts me, it makes it hard to understand how progress was made, but it doesn't hold up to my strong standards.
Sometimes when I reflect on my life, I'm in disbelief that things are like this. I know most people would tell me that's a wakeup call to change my life and to stop living in fear. Well I tried that, I've been trying that ever since I was teenager and I'm 21 now. I've realized this stuff is bigger than what I can handle on my own and now I'm taking initiative by seeing a therapist. I've been carrying a tremendous load on my back trying to figure out all this stuff on my own and I quite honestly don't know the severity of it. Living with it for so long I feel like it just became me and I stopped understanding how life could be something different.
Before alpha and all these subs I was very different. After running through alpha twice I feel like I did improve. But I didn't improve to the ideal self I had pictured in my mind and that's where I think I've been hard on myself for a while.
Even though I'm stuck in a rut right now and I'm going to be seeing a therapist soon, I feel as if I have changed substantially. But when you are still plagued by deep issues it makes it seem like no progress has been made at all. Let me put it this way, before all the subs it was like standing in a fire, it was literally hell for me. After the subs it's like only half my body is in that fire. Yeah it's still really painful and I'm not completely out of it yet, but I made progress.
I think that's why I feel like I'm still the same person, even though I'm not. I haven't reached that end goal of who I've always wanted to be and the small changes aren't acknowledged as much. It's that all or nothing perfectionist mentality that always haunts me, it makes it hard to understand how progress was made, but it doesn't hold up to my strong standards.
Sometimes when I reflect on my life, I'm in disbelief that things are like this. I know most people would tell me that's a wakeup call to change my life and to stop living in fear. Well I tried that, I've been trying that ever since I was teenager and I'm 21 now. I've realized this stuff is bigger than what I can handle on my own and now I'm taking initiative by seeing a therapist. I've been carrying a tremendous load on my back trying to figure out all this stuff on my own and I quite honestly don't know the severity of it. Living with it for so long I feel like it just became me and I stopped understanding how life could be something different.
