A Better Alex, stage 4: AM6 round 2 Journal

[apollolux]

Ok, some summary of stage 1.

* So. Much. ANGER. *

It truly feels like all I had over the 32 days listening to stage 1 was anger and despair. Looking at my journal I have noted many of those 32 days as having "no productivity." Job search hasn't produced success for me yet, sex life is still non-existent, social life is non-existent, and it is difficult to feel productive or otherwise fulfilled by myself with little to no emotional support from others physically nearby.

I know consciously that, at least to somewhat resolve the feeling of not being "productive," I do have "work" that is available to be done (mostly software programming, some writing), tasks that I have long ago identified as not only doable by me at my current knowledge and skill levels but also within reasonable timeframes by me to feel satisfied that I "accomplished the thing" upon completion. I have unfortunately allowed myself to be distracted by the despair and hopelessness that permeates my current situation, retreating to watching YouTube videos for entertainment and not even playing any of the many video games I own like Factorio to simulate "being productive."

There are no anti-depressants this time around to mask and dull feelings that I have. All the anger, despair, hopelessness, apathy, depression, etc is unfiltered now, amplified by the lack of income, lack of companionship, lack of support, lack of loyalty, lack of security. I'm worried that the strength that I thought I had was just a delusion. On one hand, I'm glad and grateful to know and confirm that even after all of the detachment and medication that I can still feel, am still human. On the other hand, my actions, behaviors, thoughts feel so emotionally detached from any outcomes and motivations that it feels difficult to consciously tap into the goals themselves as motivations to be more active.

Three things keep me hanging in there right now even in the midst of this difficult struggle: the fact that I've shed all the weight gained from antidepressants, the fact that I'm about to finish paying off my credit card debt within a month, and the faith (yes, FAITH) that because I've had success before, in employment, in fitness, and while further back still success in romance and sex, I can definitively think, believe, feel, say, understand that it is still achievable.

I wish I could honestly say that just thinking about the words to write here welled up the emotions I have attached to the belief that "it is achievable," but not this time. I know it's still there, buried under some disorganized mess or barricaded in a room or stuck in a traffic jam or something. It took until last week to finally feel strongly about the lack of productivity and the feedback loop surrounding that, so I assume the strong emotions attached to "it is achievable" are eventually in transit towards conscious expression.

Success is achievable, if delayed. I look forward to being available and able to enjoy it when that time comes.