Cycle 3, SASRB Day 2
Damn, I've been tired! Went out-of-town to my father-in-law's farm over the weekend. There, my wife gets up early and so do the kids. I slept in each day until 8:30 or 9 AM, to which I received a "Finnnally!" from my wife when I got around to wherever/whatever they're doing.
Usually I loathe going to the farm. This time, I was kind of looking forward to it. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law joined us on Saturday (my wife, kids, and I went over on Friday), so that probably helped. The weather (save for a few crazy-as-hell severe thunderstorms) was really nice. We swam in the above-ground pool, had water fights, grilled burgers, and played with 6-week-old kittens (lots) - just had a really nice time.
We spent quite a bit of time Sunday morning cleaning up sticks and branches from the property. There were two separate, severe thunderstorms on Saturday. It's pretty awesome watching them come in, standing out by a corn field - lightning and thunder streaking the sky, an eerie calm laying over everything else. My father-in-law stood out in the field with his cell phone, capturing video of a monster wall cloud - ominously plodding toward us.
The wind came up, and hail started pounding down. Enough hail to damage plants and crops, tear down leaves, branches off trees, and destroy bird nests. I had a marble-sized chunk of hail ping off my pinkie-toe. Didn't feel great, lemme tell ya! Then I heard my father-in-law yell, "Yow!" as a piece of hail slammed into his elbow. At that point, under-the-awning of the front porch of the house, we wisely went inside and watched the damage from there. My wife could see two baby birds - robins - lying on the paving stones under the giant ash tree in the back. The hail had knocked them out of their nest. She ran outside and braved the pelting hail to save them. One was already dead. She thought the other might make it, but after a few hours, it sadly passed as well. She's got a kind heart, but that day nature was pretty cruel.
That was the first storm.
The second came hours later, after an afternoon playing in the pool. There wasn't any hail, but devastating straight-line winds took down trees all over the county. My in-laws were lucky, in that the winds only stripped leaves and some branches off the trees. Unfortunately, the wind also stripped the tin roof clean off the farrowing house. It was severe enough that we had been in the basement, not knowing if a tornado was pressing down upon us. Out in the country, you don't have the luxury of a tornado siren to warn you if one is coming. Fortunately, my father-in-law received a seek-shelter warning on his phone, so we did. He wasn't around much Sunday. He had to go to his parents house to help cut up their beautiful old maple tree that fell partially onto their house during the storm.
Anyway, my apologies for the book, but it's been awhile since I've written anything. Relating this to overcoming fear, I had some wins, and a few instances of feeling fear - quite acutely. My attitude on the farm, while drab in the past, was upbeat and cheery. Rather than isolating myself and sitting on my phone in the living room, I took part in socializing and helping out. There were a few instances in the pool when my 3-year-old daughter climbed the pool ladder by herself, and I felt quite a bit of parental fear. It was a 6-foot drop off the other side to rocks and a ring of stone pavers that surrounded the pool. In my mind's eye, I saw her losing her grip and balance, bashing her head open or breaking an arm. She was fine, though. I'm still a little concerned now, as I sit here typing away. I know they'll be in the pool a lot this week, and I'm not there to supervise. My wife and mother-in-law will take good care of the kids, but not having any control on my end can be unnerving.
I came home yesterday with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. They were only staying a few days, as he had to work Monday. I planned to only go to the farm if they had come. Three days there is my max before I start wishing I was anywhere else. My wife has 15 days off work, so she planned to be there for at least a week (or whenever my father-in-law decided he'd had enough of his energy-laden grandkids, lol). For those of you who have read my DMSI journals in the past, you are probably aware of the unusual/forbidden fruit scenario between my sister-in-law and I. That still exists today. We don't interact like friends, but more like two people hiding feelings behind looming moral barriers. We are friendly toward one another, but with an invisible arm between us. I noticed her steal sideways glances at me, and the way she laughs at every little joke or quip I make. There was a point where we were alone together at the kitchen table, and my thoughts strayed in a direction that spiked a sudden note of fear. It passed as suddenly as it appeared, but it was notable. What if she came on to me, or brushed up against me while we were alone? What would I do? What would she do? Aaaaaah! Girls! It reminded me of the feeling of terror I had during first dates with a beautiful girl in high school, my inexperience with sexuality rearing its ugly head to scare the shit out of me. Funny, but weird, that I still am capable of feeling that.
Other than those instances of fear, I don't have much to report. I can't pinpoint any specific fear being eliminated, but more of a calm serenity that centers me most of my day. I'm not worried about COVID, finances, or much else. I have a feeling that everything is fine, and will work out in a good way, que sera, sera. I continue having strange dreams, but the content is positive. Dreams of successfully climbing tall buildings with my upper body strength alone, graduating from college at the top of my class, or strangely, being in a contest eating unusual, unappetizing things like chocolate-covered insects (and other nasties). I spent some time yesterday researching a career for which I could get a Master's degree for in only two years, but pays an average of $130k/year right out-of-the-gate. While doing that, I suddenly felt weird - my body and head were buzzing, much like the morphine-drip I'd feel using USLM or DMSI. I don't even know if that scripting is still present. It's all I could think would cause such a feeling. It lasted nearly an hour.
Otherwise, I've felt extremely mentally exhausted, especially yesterday. I went to bed around 11 PM, and this morning, I was shocked to discover I had slept until nearly 11 AM! 12 hours!? At my age? Without a reason to be up this morning, or screaming kids in the house, it was apparently something I needed. Feeling much less exhausted today.
Again, my apologies for the long post, but thanks for reading!
Damn, I've been tired! Went out-of-town to my father-in-law's farm over the weekend. There, my wife gets up early and so do the kids. I slept in each day until 8:30 or 9 AM, to which I received a "Finnnally!" from my wife when I got around to wherever/whatever they're doing.
Usually I loathe going to the farm. This time, I was kind of looking forward to it. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law joined us on Saturday (my wife, kids, and I went over on Friday), so that probably helped. The weather (save for a few crazy-as-hell severe thunderstorms) was really nice. We swam in the above-ground pool, had water fights, grilled burgers, and played with 6-week-old kittens (lots) - just had a really nice time.
We spent quite a bit of time Sunday morning cleaning up sticks and branches from the property. There were two separate, severe thunderstorms on Saturday. It's pretty awesome watching them come in, standing out by a corn field - lightning and thunder streaking the sky, an eerie calm laying over everything else. My father-in-law stood out in the field with his cell phone, capturing video of a monster wall cloud - ominously plodding toward us.
The wind came up, and hail started pounding down. Enough hail to damage plants and crops, tear down leaves, branches off trees, and destroy bird nests. I had a marble-sized chunk of hail ping off my pinkie-toe. Didn't feel great, lemme tell ya! Then I heard my father-in-law yell, "Yow!" as a piece of hail slammed into his elbow. At that point, under-the-awning of the front porch of the house, we wisely went inside and watched the damage from there. My wife could see two baby birds - robins - lying on the paving stones under the giant ash tree in the back. The hail had knocked them out of their nest. She ran outside and braved the pelting hail to save them. One was already dead. She thought the other might make it, but after a few hours, it sadly passed as well. She's got a kind heart, but that day nature was pretty cruel.
That was the first storm.
The second came hours later, after an afternoon playing in the pool. There wasn't any hail, but devastating straight-line winds took down trees all over the county. My in-laws were lucky, in that the winds only stripped leaves and some branches off the trees. Unfortunately, the wind also stripped the tin roof clean off the farrowing house. It was severe enough that we had been in the basement, not knowing if a tornado was pressing down upon us. Out in the country, you don't have the luxury of a tornado siren to warn you if one is coming. Fortunately, my father-in-law received a seek-shelter warning on his phone, so we did. He wasn't around much Sunday. He had to go to his parents house to help cut up their beautiful old maple tree that fell partially onto their house during the storm.
Anyway, my apologies for the book, but it's been awhile since I've written anything. Relating this to overcoming fear, I had some wins, and a few instances of feeling fear - quite acutely. My attitude on the farm, while drab in the past, was upbeat and cheery. Rather than isolating myself and sitting on my phone in the living room, I took part in socializing and helping out. There were a few instances in the pool when my 3-year-old daughter climbed the pool ladder by herself, and I felt quite a bit of parental fear. It was a 6-foot drop off the other side to rocks and a ring of stone pavers that surrounded the pool. In my mind's eye, I saw her losing her grip and balance, bashing her head open or breaking an arm. She was fine, though. I'm still a little concerned now, as I sit here typing away. I know they'll be in the pool a lot this week, and I'm not there to supervise. My wife and mother-in-law will take good care of the kids, but not having any control on my end can be unnerving.
I came home yesterday with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. They were only staying a few days, as he had to work Monday. I planned to only go to the farm if they had come. Three days there is my max before I start wishing I was anywhere else. My wife has 15 days off work, so she planned to be there for at least a week (or whenever my father-in-law decided he'd had enough of his energy-laden grandkids, lol). For those of you who have read my DMSI journals in the past, you are probably aware of the unusual/forbidden fruit scenario between my sister-in-law and I. That still exists today. We don't interact like friends, but more like two people hiding feelings behind looming moral barriers. We are friendly toward one another, but with an invisible arm between us. I noticed her steal sideways glances at me, and the way she laughs at every little joke or quip I make. There was a point where we were alone together at the kitchen table, and my thoughts strayed in a direction that spiked a sudden note of fear. It passed as suddenly as it appeared, but it was notable. What if she came on to me, or brushed up against me while we were alone? What would I do? What would she do? Aaaaaah! Girls! It reminded me of the feeling of terror I had during first dates with a beautiful girl in high school, my inexperience with sexuality rearing its ugly head to scare the shit out of me. Funny, but weird, that I still am capable of feeling that.
Other than those instances of fear, I don't have much to report. I can't pinpoint any specific fear being eliminated, but more of a calm serenity that centers me most of my day. I'm not worried about COVID, finances, or much else. I have a feeling that everything is fine, and will work out in a good way, que sera, sera. I continue having strange dreams, but the content is positive. Dreams of successfully climbing tall buildings with my upper body strength alone, graduating from college at the top of my class, or strangely, being in a contest eating unusual, unappetizing things like chocolate-covered insects (and other nasties). I spent some time yesterday researching a career for which I could get a Master's degree for in only two years, but pays an average of $130k/year right out-of-the-gate. While doing that, I suddenly felt weird - my body and head were buzzing, much like the morphine-drip I'd feel using USLM or DMSI. I don't even know if that scripting is still present. It's all I could think would cause such a feeling. It lasted nearly an hour.
Otherwise, I've felt extremely mentally exhausted, especially yesterday. I went to bed around 11 PM, and this morning, I was shocked to discover I had slept until nearly 11 AM! 12 hours!? At my age? Without a reason to be up this morning, or screaming kids in the house, it was apparently something I needed. Feeling much less exhausted today.
Again, my apologies for the long post, but thanks for reading!
