07-06-2020, 06:03 PM
I gotta say I'm feeling impatient. 3 days off such a powerful sub, and it's been only 2 days so far. Oh well, I'll start my day tomorrow seeing what it's digging at. I've felt a sadness and longing today, as I've been habitually craving something I really don't need. It comes from my childhood, but similar to other's sharings, it's not even explainable presently. I think I'm just being pulled from old emotional hangouts/hideouts. I sense it's good, though I'm not through it yet.
After writing that, I think that's why I'm sad--I've leaned on these hideouts for SO very long. I've depended on them like my life depended on them being there. I'm being steadily pulled from them, and my inner child is scared. He feels scared, sad, uncertain.
Thought I was supposed to be growing UP (that's sarcasm, obviously).
And I just remembered something I bought on my honeymoon 17 years ago, and I still have it. It was a quote by Picasso.
"It takes a very long time to become young"
And I've fought this. Why?
One word: fear. Fear has been familiar, yet despised. Hidden in, yet ashamed of. A hideout, but with chains attaching themselves to me. This is how I've lived. I would never advocate such a lifestyle to anyone who I wanted to be free. And this....this is how I've lived.
I'm writing this for me, as I am the one I hide from. Living like this......has been NORMAL. I don't know what the future holds. All I have is now. And I'm scared, sad, both. But I'm ready to walk through this. The time is now. I can live in now.
To my little boy: I am with you. We will face this together, side by side, one moment at a time. I will protect you.
After writing that, I think that's why I'm sad--I've leaned on these hideouts for SO very long. I've depended on them like my life depended on them being there. I'm being steadily pulled from them, and my inner child is scared. He feels scared, sad, uncertain.
Thought I was supposed to be growing UP (that's sarcasm, obviously).
And I just remembered something I bought on my honeymoon 17 years ago, and I still have it. It was a quote by Picasso.
"It takes a very long time to become young"
And I've fought this. Why?
One word: fear. Fear has been familiar, yet despised. Hidden in, yet ashamed of. A hideout, but with chains attaching themselves to me. This is how I've lived. I would never advocate such a lifestyle to anyone who I wanted to be free. And this....this is how I've lived.
I'm writing this for me, as I am the one I hide from. Living like this......has been NORMAL. I don't know what the future holds. All I have is now. And I'm scared, sad, both. But I'm ready to walk through this. The time is now. I can live in now.
To my little boy: I am with you. We will face this together, side by side, one moment at a time. I will protect you.
I want to be FREE!
