07-03-2020, 05:34 AM
OF is allowing something weird, or weird to me. Shannon's been vocal about the inner child resisting, and just now, I stopped and had to talk to the scared part of me. He just wanted to be heard. I've never had that happen while using a sub.
I'm home now, day 3, since our female manager said I needed to be tested for COVID and cleared before returning to work. I don't know why I resist her. I don't trust her stated aims most of the time. I think that's why I'm scared of her knowing my business.
To be more truthful, I'm used to identifying with women in a very passive way. As in "I'll let you be in charge". Something hurts as I write, as there's a sadness. I've lived like a kid waiting on Mom to instruct him (so I'd be responsible for her happiness). Which has been my motivation for being a yes-man around women. I'm trying to find peace with myself when I don't make women happy, but due to fear, I've been afraid of even trying.
Yep. No dates in the 6 years since my divorce. None at all. I get locked up imagining putting myself out there......and imagining it just now, I realized I've always put "me" aside and put on a mask so you'd like a false "me". That is so f***ed up. It's all I've ever done with women. I'm just writing, trying to name my fear this morning.
Yeah, I have to go get COVID tested this morning.....wow, that's different. I imagined myself sitting down as a young female tech did the test on me. What happened in my mind was I was holding the scared part of me, me being quiet, and I felt a resistance to putting on a false me. It felt like a strong "NO!"
Also, a familiar sadness emerged, one I've gotten on OGSF 5G, E2, UD, and any subs with OGSF in them (pre-FRM). That sadness said I was letting go of some fear, and part of me was sad it was leaving. I've only had it happen 2ce on OF so far, but it is digging into older fears, it seems. This has always been a good sign since once it's gone, I've not been so uptight and scared, obviously.
I'll probably come back and report my reactions from going out and being tested. Out for now.
I'm home now, day 3, since our female manager said I needed to be tested for COVID and cleared before returning to work. I don't know why I resist her. I don't trust her stated aims most of the time. I think that's why I'm scared of her knowing my business.
To be more truthful, I'm used to identifying with women in a very passive way. As in "I'll let you be in charge". Something hurts as I write, as there's a sadness. I've lived like a kid waiting on Mom to instruct him (so I'd be responsible for her happiness). Which has been my motivation for being a yes-man around women. I'm trying to find peace with myself when I don't make women happy, but due to fear, I've been afraid of even trying.
Yep. No dates in the 6 years since my divorce. None at all. I get locked up imagining putting myself out there......and imagining it just now, I realized I've always put "me" aside and put on a mask so you'd like a false "me". That is so f***ed up. It's all I've ever done with women. I'm just writing, trying to name my fear this morning.
Yeah, I have to go get COVID tested this morning.....wow, that's different. I imagined myself sitting down as a young female tech did the test on me. What happened in my mind was I was holding the scared part of me, me being quiet, and I felt a resistance to putting on a false me. It felt like a strong "NO!"
Also, a familiar sadness emerged, one I've gotten on OGSF 5G, E2, UD, and any subs with OGSF in them (pre-FRM). That sadness said I was letting go of some fear, and part of me was sad it was leaving. I've only had it happen 2ce on OF so far, but it is digging into older fears, it seems. This has always been a good sign since once it's gone, I've not been so uptight and scared, obviously.
I'll probably come back and report my reactions from going out and being tested. Out for now.
I want to be FREE!
