OF - Fluffy Journal

[Fluffy]

I am still in bed and still listening, I have pretty much 1 LOOP and a bit to go.

Ultrasonic, flac, mobile phone, 13/15 clicks, on pillow next to me. 


My first night was interesting, very different. The night felt long. At the start of playing it and turning over to sleep, I did have a moment of feeling a slight fear, like losing control, not crazy strong, but I noticed It and acknowledged it. 

Dream

I had a few dreams, but the one I just had was very related to the program. It was getting dark and I was driving in a car and my girlfriend was a passenger and we was on a desert kind of road, with lots of long roads. I took a turn at one road and followed it round, I was going a pretty swift speed and then my girlfriend said I missed the turn and that I am driving into a one way road, so I slammed on the brakes and started to reverse and turn. A car was speeding behind me and had to slam on their breaks but then I realised I reversed too far and my car was backing of a deep high canyon. My car started to fall and dread filled my being knowing that I have made a mistake and I/we are falling to my/our death. During the fall I was saying noooo, as I didn't want to die. I had nothing left to do but wait for inevitable impact. I kept waiting and waiting and at this point I felt I had my eyes closed and I started to feel burning sensations all over my body, I realised I didn't feel the impact, but assumed these burning sensations were from the explosion and this was it, my death. I was then pleading something like don't let this be true, I want to be alive etc.... Then after some time amongst feeling the burning sensations, I felt compelled to open my eyes and as I did I realised I was in my bed, in my bedroom and I felt a sudden relief that I was alive.

Man this is some purdy STRONG fear remover..dealing with that heavy shit,pretty much right off,a like a huge Boulder of Fear being dealt with...wow. reminds me of doing a physical  health detox of the body,purging old crap and stuff out. powerful & impressive. keep going,keep sharing. yawl  are courage warriors!!

Thanks Keith, will do man 


3 nights.... Obviously early days for me to accurately say what it is doing or what is in response to the program, but I'll give it a try...

I feel my brain is working, not in a typical mental way though. I can nap in day like usual but I feel kind of restless at the same time. I am sleeping more and it seems I have less energy to physically train, but... it is very hot. There are moments through out the day that I don't know what to do, and don't feel like doing what I usually do. 

I did sun bathe for 3 hours yesterday and I now look like a lobster. I am not saying it is related to the program, but I don't care about being burnt I never really have, but haven't made time to deliberately sun bathe in quite a while. 

After the first night, my mind did go into an active working on scenerios in regards to moving. I originally wasn't going to take my "stuff" stored here at my parents house when I move as it reminded me of the past, but after the first night of listening I was in the shower and actually started thinking differently about it and decided it would help me and my girlfriend a lot if I took all my stuff. After speaking with her it turns out what I have, she doesn't have and vice versa, so we pretty much have everything we need furniture, appliances, utensils wise etc. Which will save money and the stress of needing to buy it all. 

The 2nd day, but dad asked if I am going to take my car when I move as my girlfriend has a car too. My immediate reaction was why wouldn't I and could list lots of reasons why it made sense to take my car and that was it. But about 5 hours later I was sitting outside and I could see my car in the distance and started pondering the side of selling my car and going into that scenerio untill it was an actual possibility.

Unfortunately yesterday I got an email from the college I did a 1 year course with, saying I have outstanding balance with them. Originally when I enrolled last year, I had two options, pay the sum all up front (£3000), or pay in monthly installments. I chose to pay in monthly installments, which should of started coming out monthly back in September 2019, but they never did and as it got towards the end I was actually thinking I was gonna get a way without paying. 

I mean the mistake is on their part as they should of been taking out in installments every month, and I would of been paying it and it would of been payed. I mentioned this in the reply and asked are they telling me that I have to pay the full lump sum. I stopped working back in April and I don't have £3000 just laying around waiting to be spent. So litterly the only way I can pay that is if I sell my car. I didn't want to make and choose the decision like this and would of preferred to sell my car with the original idea of getting all the money (I could sell my car for £5500-£6000). 

So yeah I mean it is what is, but I hoping that they will be understanding, as the whole reason I chose installments to begin with is to make it easier in paying. It don't make sense they expect me to just pay it all in one go, when they have made the mistake of not taking it out in installments all this time. 

Oh well it is what it is and I can only do what I can do, nothing more nothing less. Hopefully I can still get my final grades results in 3 weeks time like planned, as I have to meet my offer for the BA degree I intend to do. 

Dreams

2nd night
I dreamed of being in a store and somone busting through with a machine gun and going to rob the place and everyone in there including me, and me having thoughts that there is no way I going to give over my wallet and thinking if I see an opportunity I am going to take it. 

3rd night
Last night, I actually got bitten by a snake at home and my mother and me rushing around calling the emergency services and getting ready to take me to hospital. It was pretty much If I didn't get there in time I would die or at least lose my arm.