03-30-2020, 01:28 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-30-2020, 01:42 AM by Kol.
Edit Reason: Added text
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Ill be blooming for 5 days now on. Ran high loops for the last couple of days, and the urge to run is somewhat satisfied. Lets see what this bloom will bring. Things are looking positive and solid already.
Last couple of days im watching some swaggersouls. The dude is blunt, straight forward and doesnt give a fuck. I see the lack of guilt, shame and fear in it and he owns it up, just for fucks sake. Im reflecting on that, as I feel kind of stuck in character at times. Like being boxed in while knowing this is ums doing stuff underneath the hood. Fun is a main element to me, be willing to ridicule the character, as in the grand scheme of things we are all actors so to say, playing a role. It aint all that serious and, yes, its a habit/pattern I slip in.
My theory is, breaking this will set me free on levels aswell as will make me highly productive. Another big thing Im recognizing is, im disowning certain qualities. This might be hidden value after all, and am willing to embrace and see the value in it. Perfectionism has been a curse to me at times, aswell as indecisiveness, accompanied by vigilant monitoring. Resulting in self attack and harshness on myself. I know what it is, fear, stemming from trauma. Being the perfect kid syndrome, jacked up with GSF. now im seeing how all that is trauma. Im willing to face it. To face the experiences I had and to work through em, even if healing and dealing makes me think about lost time. Again, abandonment stuff. Embrace quirkiness it can be so easy. Instead of disowning, for some ideal "best self" it might be a paradox. Sure im investing in myself, yet, with this healing and all, its easy to become all perfectionistic, instead of loving myself for who I am. Enough, it becomes a mindfuck.
Bloom seems to kick in earlier and earlier the more I run UMS and let it bloom due to E3 and FRM. more and more im stable in my knowing, ums is 100% legit. An innate sense. A given. It shows and is great.
Last couple of days im watching some swaggersouls. The dude is blunt, straight forward and doesnt give a fuck. I see the lack of guilt, shame and fear in it and he owns it up, just for fucks sake. Im reflecting on that, as I feel kind of stuck in character at times. Like being boxed in while knowing this is ums doing stuff underneath the hood. Fun is a main element to me, be willing to ridicule the character, as in the grand scheme of things we are all actors so to say, playing a role. It aint all that serious and, yes, its a habit/pattern I slip in.
My theory is, breaking this will set me free on levels aswell as will make me highly productive. Another big thing Im recognizing is, im disowning certain qualities. This might be hidden value after all, and am willing to embrace and see the value in it. Perfectionism has been a curse to me at times, aswell as indecisiveness, accompanied by vigilant monitoring. Resulting in self attack and harshness on myself. I know what it is, fear, stemming from trauma. Being the perfect kid syndrome, jacked up with GSF. now im seeing how all that is trauma. Im willing to face it. To face the experiences I had and to work through em, even if healing and dealing makes me think about lost time. Again, abandonment stuff. Embrace quirkiness it can be so easy. Instead of disowning, for some ideal "best self" it might be a paradox. Sure im investing in myself, yet, with this healing and all, its easy to become all perfectionistic, instead of loving myself for who I am. Enough, it becomes a mindfuck.
Bloom seems to kick in earlier and earlier the more I run UMS and let it bloom due to E3 and FRM. more and more im stable in my knowing, ums is 100% legit. An innate sense. A given. It shows and is great.
