12-09-2019, 09:57 PM
ME: I had a very productive weekend. I got a lot of clutter cleaned out for the appraisal. It didn’t feel like I did much, and the level of disorder is still driving me nuts. One more weekend, and I ought to be ready to pull the trigger and start the process.
I have checked the bank balances every morning before I got out of bed all this week like I said I would, and this week I will add the credit card balances in to that. The goal here is to develop real time situational awareness where financial matters go. So far, I’m keeping to the good habits without much effort.
The bad news is that I’m feeling stalled right now. I’m on the cusp of taking a major step in the right direction, but I have one major job to do before that happens. That job seemed overwhelming to me this weekend and this morning though. I was also thinking about all of the things that could go wrong between now and getting it done. I suppose I’m having some trouble conceptualizing it being done. It’s been such a long fight to get here that going on to the next level doesn’t seem possible sometimes. The state of struggling and stressing seems so normal.
It is possible though, I know that, I just need to do it. There’s still some fear here. I think it’s a simple fear of changing states combined with a fear that it won’t work. We can get through that. I think that FRM has done enough that I won’t manifest sabotages, it’s just normal nervousness.
I figured out another part of the problem. I see why a lot of other guys are doing the no porn nofap thing even on a program that has nothing to do with sex. I had almost quit both while on LTU without giving it much of a thought, but for the last few weeks, I’ve been watching a lot of porn and engaging in the associated activity every morning when I got home from work. This is something that I do compulsively when I’m stressed, so it was pointing to my current mental state, and I do believe it’s been draining off a lot of the energy that I would otherwise be using to execute the program. I think that’s a part of why I feel so stalled out and stressed out at the moment. This must stop.
I have checked the bank balances every morning before I got out of bed all this week like I said I would, and this week I will add the credit card balances in to that. The goal here is to develop real time situational awareness where financial matters go. So far, I’m keeping to the good habits without much effort.
The bad news is that I’m feeling stalled right now. I’m on the cusp of taking a major step in the right direction, but I have one major job to do before that happens. That job seemed overwhelming to me this weekend and this morning though. I was also thinking about all of the things that could go wrong between now and getting it done. I suppose I’m having some trouble conceptualizing it being done. It’s been such a long fight to get here that going on to the next level doesn’t seem possible sometimes. The state of struggling and stressing seems so normal.
It is possible though, I know that, I just need to do it. There’s still some fear here. I think it’s a simple fear of changing states combined with a fear that it won’t work. We can get through that. I think that FRM has done enough that I won’t manifest sabotages, it’s just normal nervousness.
I figured out another part of the problem. I see why a lot of other guys are doing the no porn nofap thing even on a program that has nothing to do with sex. I had almost quit both while on LTU without giving it much of a thought, but for the last few weeks, I’ve been watching a lot of porn and engaging in the associated activity every morning when I got home from work. This is something that I do compulsively when I’m stressed, so it was pointing to my current mental state, and I do believe it’s been draining off a lot of the energy that I would otherwise be using to execute the program. I think that’s a part of why I feel so stalled out and stressed out at the moment. This must stop.
