11-26-2019, 09:40 PM
ME: I woke up frustrated and somewhat fearful this morning. I kept playing potential arguments with the wife in my head as I was getting ready. This is a completely useless activity which only serves to get me mad at my wife when she has done absolutely nothing wrong. I suppose I used to use it to gird myself for battle when she was likely to go off on me, but I kind of suspect this made things work. We are linked on an energetic level, and may have been pissing each other off while we weren’t even in direct communication with each other. I have noticed that when I do that, more times than not, she comes home ticked off and there’s a night of argument. Tonight was no exception. I had already left for work when she got home, and she was mad that I hadn’t assembled the new snowblower and blown off the drive and sidewalk. It’s true, I didn’t. I work a twelve hour shift, and since there was a blizzard yesterday and today, I had a two hour commute on each end of it. I needed sleep, but I can see how that would irritate her. What she has really been irritated about for the last few days is that she wanted a big thing made for her fortieth birthday and I’ve had my head too far up my own backside lately to plan it. That is horrible and it’s on me.
Anyway, I realized that the angry thoughts I was indulging in may be doing more harm than just making me angry in the moment. I will strive to have better control over that going forward. It’s a sign of progress that I was even able to recognize what was going on here.
Then I asked what was really bothering me. There were two things. First, there’s still some fear, and it’s kind of a different fear on the surface. I’m afraid that it’s not going to work. We are running low on the windfall money, and we need to get the refi done very soon. I need to get the house clean, and all the ducks in a row, and that was looking like a huge job this afternoon. Dispute a rather large amount of evidence that these subs and the resulting thinking and manifesting and whatnot DO keep us afloat, I had some fear that everything is going to fall apart this time. Ok, why?
The good news is that this didn’t take a multi day deep dive into my subconscious. I knew what the problem was in seconds. The process of rooting out the reasons for fear and resistance has become a lot faster, and pretty much automatic as soon as I realize that’s what I’m running into.
The bad news is that this one is older and deeper than the previous ones. Before this, everything seemed to stem from the events in my life after my parents divorced. This one comes from the lead up to it.
I mentioned before that my life as a little kid was pretty idyllic before the divorce. It seemed it to me. There were of course signs that things were messed up, but I was too young to recognize them for what they were. Everything felt stable, warm, and safe. At least to my conscious mind.
My subconscious obviously knew something was up. It threw me a kind of recurring dream theme that perfectly illustrates what was about to happen, and the set of fears it would produce.
The dreams happened in all kinds of different places and involved all kinds of different things, but in all of them, I would step on the ground, and the earth would open up in a huge crack right under my foot and I’d fall in. And I always got that terrifying falling feeling that you sometimes get in dreams too. Sometimes I’d manage to jump away in time, but another crack would open under my foot wherever I landed. There was no winning, I always fell in.
And that’s what metaphorically happened. I felt secure in a world where I was safe, loved (Mom May have been faking it, but if so I didn’t know) and secure, and it was suddenly ripped out from under me. All of the bad crap that I’ve been writing about came from that one thing. It also needs to be said that not only was I dropped from a secure height, but my Dad fell with me.
The fear is this. I don’t trust stability. If something seems stable, I am afraid to commit my weight to it because I’m expecting it to split under me and drop me into something horrible. That’s why I’ve been resisting getting to the next level financially. The next step is stability, and I fear that If I make it there it will be illusory and I’ll be dropped into someplace worse than I’ve ever been. That’s why I have kept my life in a constant chaotic luminal state. If I find a solid ground, I’ll be swallowed up by the earth. That’s why I’ve chosen relationships with women who have major mental issues, they never stabilize and I won’t get comfortable enough to commit my weight. Crap, that’s why I’ve been so hesitant about a lot of things.
I’ve learned to swim in the sea of chaos that I was dropped into when I was five, and I’m good at it. I actually feel more confident handling crisis after crisis than I do where there is no crisis. What I fear is climbing out of the maelstrom, feeling comfortable for a moment, then being plunged into an even worse place by surprise.
This is the source of my self sabotage. I wouldn’t let myself get too high, and to somewhere I thought was solid. I failed out of college because graduating meant a better more secure job, and the further I climb the further there is to fall. I locked up with nervousness to prevent myself from getting into a good solid career. And I’ve been manifesting sabotages on myself to prevent getting to the next level as USLM and UMS have been pushing me to do.
This is all a load of pig poop of course. My world wasn’t stable back then because I was relying on two very unstable people to provide the stability a little kid needs. Of course everything collapsed, my solid ground was a rotting piece of plywood balanced between two sawhorses that were short a few legs apiece. I had no way of knowing that. I had no control over that, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Just because my parents were unstable doesn’t mean that the world is, or that any life I create for myself has to be. I’m in a much better place than they were, and if I was capable of surviving all of that chaos, I’m capable of building something secure and solid to any height I want to. I can trust any structure I build.
The other thing that was bothering me was the disorder in the house, and it’s not just that I have to get it cleaned up before I can move forward. My mind has become a lot more orderly. I see that my external environment matches the chaos that my mind used to be, not what it is now, and that causes me stress.
Anyway, I realized that the angry thoughts I was indulging in may be doing more harm than just making me angry in the moment. I will strive to have better control over that going forward. It’s a sign of progress that I was even able to recognize what was going on here.
Then I asked what was really bothering me. There were two things. First, there’s still some fear, and it’s kind of a different fear on the surface. I’m afraid that it’s not going to work. We are running low on the windfall money, and we need to get the refi done very soon. I need to get the house clean, and all the ducks in a row, and that was looking like a huge job this afternoon. Dispute a rather large amount of evidence that these subs and the resulting thinking and manifesting and whatnot DO keep us afloat, I had some fear that everything is going to fall apart this time. Ok, why?
The good news is that this didn’t take a multi day deep dive into my subconscious. I knew what the problem was in seconds. The process of rooting out the reasons for fear and resistance has become a lot faster, and pretty much automatic as soon as I realize that’s what I’m running into.
The bad news is that this one is older and deeper than the previous ones. Before this, everything seemed to stem from the events in my life after my parents divorced. This one comes from the lead up to it.
I mentioned before that my life as a little kid was pretty idyllic before the divorce. It seemed it to me. There were of course signs that things were messed up, but I was too young to recognize them for what they were. Everything felt stable, warm, and safe. At least to my conscious mind.
My subconscious obviously knew something was up. It threw me a kind of recurring dream theme that perfectly illustrates what was about to happen, and the set of fears it would produce.
The dreams happened in all kinds of different places and involved all kinds of different things, but in all of them, I would step on the ground, and the earth would open up in a huge crack right under my foot and I’d fall in. And I always got that terrifying falling feeling that you sometimes get in dreams too. Sometimes I’d manage to jump away in time, but another crack would open under my foot wherever I landed. There was no winning, I always fell in.
And that’s what metaphorically happened. I felt secure in a world where I was safe, loved (Mom May have been faking it, but if so I didn’t know) and secure, and it was suddenly ripped out from under me. All of the bad crap that I’ve been writing about came from that one thing. It also needs to be said that not only was I dropped from a secure height, but my Dad fell with me.
The fear is this. I don’t trust stability. If something seems stable, I am afraid to commit my weight to it because I’m expecting it to split under me and drop me into something horrible. That’s why I’ve been resisting getting to the next level financially. The next step is stability, and I fear that If I make it there it will be illusory and I’ll be dropped into someplace worse than I’ve ever been. That’s why I have kept my life in a constant chaotic luminal state. If I find a solid ground, I’ll be swallowed up by the earth. That’s why I’ve chosen relationships with women who have major mental issues, they never stabilize and I won’t get comfortable enough to commit my weight. Crap, that’s why I’ve been so hesitant about a lot of things.
I’ve learned to swim in the sea of chaos that I was dropped into when I was five, and I’m good at it. I actually feel more confident handling crisis after crisis than I do where there is no crisis. What I fear is climbing out of the maelstrom, feeling comfortable for a moment, then being plunged into an even worse place by surprise.
This is the source of my self sabotage. I wouldn’t let myself get too high, and to somewhere I thought was solid. I failed out of college because graduating meant a better more secure job, and the further I climb the further there is to fall. I locked up with nervousness to prevent myself from getting into a good solid career. And I’ve been manifesting sabotages on myself to prevent getting to the next level as USLM and UMS have been pushing me to do.
This is all a load of pig poop of course. My world wasn’t stable back then because I was relying on two very unstable people to provide the stability a little kid needs. Of course everything collapsed, my solid ground was a rotting piece of plywood balanced between two sawhorses that were short a few legs apiece. I had no way of knowing that. I had no control over that, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Just because my parents were unstable doesn’t mean that the world is, or that any life I create for myself has to be. I’m in a much better place than they were, and if I was capable of surviving all of that chaos, I’m capable of building something secure and solid to any height I want to. I can trust any structure I build.
The other thing that was bothering me was the disorder in the house, and it’s not just that I have to get it cleaned up before I can move forward. My mind has become a lot more orderly. I see that my external environment matches the chaos that my mind used to be, not what it is now, and that causes me stress.
