11-19-2019, 07:16 PM
ME: I had an argument with my mother in my head while I was in the shower this morning. This was somewhat concerning at first because, well, I thought that since I’d found the source of the fear that had lead to these things, seen the lies behind them and shifted my thinking, they’d vanish immediately. It doesn’t quite work that way. I think my subconscious is needs some time to fully align itself with the new way of thinking and being. What I don’t feel happening is the old pattern really fighting to re establish itself. This one was a little different, and it bears looking at closely.
This one was something that actually happened. It was an argument that happened between us during my senior year of high school about wether I was going to request a single dorm room in college or have a roommate. I wanted a single because I’m a private person, and I don’t like sharing space. I was an only child, and that’s not something I cared to get used to.
I’ve had this mental tape run in my head before. It’s one of the many times that she made me feel powerless because she had to demonstrate her dominance. Usually, this scenario plays out in my head one of two ways. Either it goes the way it did and she wins leaving me feeling angry and powerless, or I win by somehow angrily escalating things and somehow exacting vengeance on her while getting my way. Both leave me feeling powerless having lost to her again, or to my own mental rage.
This one was different though. I just told her that it was my choice, and I was going to do what I thought was best, and went ahead and filled out the form for a single. I still felt a bit worked up but not seriously angry. Here’s what’s different. I didn’t let her win, but I didn’t allow her to take undue power over my life. What I did there was mentally take back my own power over me (from the Mom in my head) without having a major anger episode, or trying to assert dominance over her. Maybe these things aren’t as unhealthy or as bad of a sign as I thought if they’re directed correctly.
And you know what? I could have, possibly should have responded that way in real life. Nothing was stopping me except for my own sense of powerlessness at her dry threats about not paying for college if I didn’t do as I was told and I don’t remember what else. I just realized that I had the power in that situation. I just chose to give it away. Glad my mind decided to bring that to my attention.
This one was something that actually happened. It was an argument that happened between us during my senior year of high school about wether I was going to request a single dorm room in college or have a roommate. I wanted a single because I’m a private person, and I don’t like sharing space. I was an only child, and that’s not something I cared to get used to.
I’ve had this mental tape run in my head before. It’s one of the many times that she made me feel powerless because she had to demonstrate her dominance. Usually, this scenario plays out in my head one of two ways. Either it goes the way it did and she wins leaving me feeling angry and powerless, or I win by somehow angrily escalating things and somehow exacting vengeance on her while getting my way. Both leave me feeling powerless having lost to her again, or to my own mental rage.
This one was different though. I just told her that it was my choice, and I was going to do what I thought was best, and went ahead and filled out the form for a single. I still felt a bit worked up but not seriously angry. Here’s what’s different. I didn’t let her win, but I didn’t allow her to take undue power over my life. What I did there was mentally take back my own power over me (from the Mom in my head) without having a major anger episode, or trying to assert dominance over her. Maybe these things aren’t as unhealthy or as bad of a sign as I thought if they’re directed correctly.
And you know what? I could have, possibly should have responded that way in real life. Nothing was stopping me except for my own sense of powerlessness at her dry threats about not paying for college if I didn’t do as I was told and I don’t remember what else. I just realized that I had the power in that situation. I just chose to give it away. Glad my mind decided to bring that to my attention.
