11-17-2019, 10:41 PM
ME: I’m back to work and back to running loops. I think I’m through that mountain range that I was so scared of going through a few weeks ago because I am catching glimpses of my goal on the horizon again, and generally being more focused on things in the outside world. I actually thought about my goal and felt a bit euphoric earlier, and that hasn’t happened since I really got focused on the internal stuff. I don’t know if that was all of my internal stuff, but it was what comprised that barrier I was sensing to getting on with it and executing the program to get to the next level in life.
Short synopsis of what I found: I was telling myself a story in my head (taking it as truth) that imposed severe limitations on my success in life. The story was melodramatic horse hockey (isn’t that called polo?). I blamed my mother for just about every issue I had in my life. I had set her up as this powerful, evil Bond Villain in my mind who destroyed my father and tried her best to destroy me and almost succeeded. I had cast myself as a tragic hero who had struggled against a more powerful foe and escaped with crippling scars. That way I could see myself living a life of mediocrity as a great and glorious victory of sorts. From that story sprang self imposed boundaries imposed by fear of success, failure, women, a tendency to take responsibility for “saving” others, and try to control circumstances over which I could not possibly exert the slightest amount of control. You see the tragic hero made a valiant effort to rescue his father, and suffered more mental wounds as a result. How ;$
king cheesy is all that? (I seriously need to hire a better screen writer). It also made it so I held an eternal grudge against my mother, and perpetually saw her as some kind of menace looming over my life. My subconscious, in obfuscating all of this from me kindly extended that to all women being a potential menace. (Thanks subC really).
The knot came untied when I realized what my mother’s deal really was. I can’t see a terrified helpless little girl as an evil overlord, so the whole damn narrative came unraveled which was what I was really afraid of and saw as a massive mountain range of fear that this program was pushing me toward. That’s it, the story I’ve been telling myself that defined my life was a lie even if parts of it are true. What the program did for me was shove me into the outer boundary of success that I could accept within my story, the point at which I would have to admit that the story was false if I proceeded any further, and opened the door so I could as Frank Herbert put it “turn with the inner eye and see fear’s path”. Once I did that, I saw how flimsy the foundation of that imposing barrier was, and it collapsed with a shove. I remain.
Having my self concept lies turn to dust wasn’t painful at all, and I feel a lot better about life now. There is no need to spend a long time “healing” or “processing”. That happened in a moment when I realized that my wounds weren’t real.
The next step is to write a new story. One about a guy who woke up from a delusional daydream, realized that he could achieve unlimited success at anything he bloody well pleased, and went on to achieve it. That’s a better movie to star in.
The first thing to do with that is impose order on my physical living space. The prospect of cleaning the house was kind of feeling overwhelming this morning because we’ve let it go so much and we have so much CRAP. But it really isn’t that bad, so I will get it under control in the next couple of weeks. That leads to the refi, which leads us to a stable financial/mental/emotional position where I can actually focus on leveling up to a higher place than I’ve ever been.
Short synopsis of what I found: I was telling myself a story in my head (taking it as truth) that imposed severe limitations on my success in life. The story was melodramatic horse hockey (isn’t that called polo?). I blamed my mother for just about every issue I had in my life. I had set her up as this powerful, evil Bond Villain in my mind who destroyed my father and tried her best to destroy me and almost succeeded. I had cast myself as a tragic hero who had struggled against a more powerful foe and escaped with crippling scars. That way I could see myself living a life of mediocrity as a great and glorious victory of sorts. From that story sprang self imposed boundaries imposed by fear of success, failure, women, a tendency to take responsibility for “saving” others, and try to control circumstances over which I could not possibly exert the slightest amount of control. You see the tragic hero made a valiant effort to rescue his father, and suffered more mental wounds as a result. How ;$
king cheesy is all that? (I seriously need to hire a better screen writer). It also made it so I held an eternal grudge against my mother, and perpetually saw her as some kind of menace looming over my life. My subconscious, in obfuscating all of this from me kindly extended that to all women being a potential menace. (Thanks subC really). The knot came untied when I realized what my mother’s deal really was. I can’t see a terrified helpless little girl as an evil overlord, so the whole damn narrative came unraveled which was what I was really afraid of and saw as a massive mountain range of fear that this program was pushing me toward. That’s it, the story I’ve been telling myself that defined my life was a lie even if parts of it are true. What the program did for me was shove me into the outer boundary of success that I could accept within my story, the point at which I would have to admit that the story was false if I proceeded any further, and opened the door so I could as Frank Herbert put it “turn with the inner eye and see fear’s path”. Once I did that, I saw how flimsy the foundation of that imposing barrier was, and it collapsed with a shove. I remain.
Having my self concept lies turn to dust wasn’t painful at all, and I feel a lot better about life now. There is no need to spend a long time “healing” or “processing”. That happened in a moment when I realized that my wounds weren’t real.
The next step is to write a new story. One about a guy who woke up from a delusional daydream, realized that he could achieve unlimited success at anything he bloody well pleased, and went on to achieve it. That’s a better movie to star in.
The first thing to do with that is impose order on my physical living space. The prospect of cleaning the house was kind of feeling overwhelming this morning because we’ve let it go so much and we have so much CRAP. But it really isn’t that bad, so I will get it under control in the next couple of weeks. That leads to the refi, which leads us to a stable financial/mental/emotional position where I can actually focus on leveling up to a higher place than I’ve ever been.
