11-14-2019, 02:34 PM
ME: When I woke up this afternoon, I got in the shower and started playing a mental tape of my wife laying into me for something. I’ve done this frequently, and actually manage to really get myself angry over something that isn’t actually happening. It’s related to those rage fantasy episodes, and sometimes became one, but usually wasn’t as intense. This time was different though. There was no feeling to it. I didn’t feel the fear of being dominated that I usually do, and since I didn’t feel that, there was no anger. It was just a mental program running in my head because I’m used to running it.
Now, my wife used to be emotionally abusive, and that was not ok, but a lot of how I reacted to it had to do with the fear/frustration/anger I had at my domineering mother. Now that I’ve seen that for what it was, and my wife is doing much better herself, that pattern has lost its power.
I am expecting that mental habit to fade over time now.
The incident with the motorcycle may sound like me being a spoiled brat to you, and perhaps it was to some extent. However, it’s the last time I remember having a real palpable burning desire for something, and that incident was very painful. Id wanted a bike since I was a kid in a rural neighborhood where all the guys had a dirt bike, and I’d been fighting to get one for at least ten years at that point. I had thought that I was finally going to get what I had wanted so much for so long, and Mom demonstrated how hard she was willing to fight to maintain her complete dominance and power.
A part of me gave up that day and decided not to desire things. To move forward, I have to revive that part.
Now, my wife used to be emotionally abusive, and that was not ok, but a lot of how I reacted to it had to do with the fear/frustration/anger I had at my domineering mother. Now that I’ve seen that for what it was, and my wife is doing much better herself, that pattern has lost its power.
I am expecting that mental habit to fade over time now.
The incident with the motorcycle may sound like me being a spoiled brat to you, and perhaps it was to some extent. However, it’s the last time I remember having a real palpable burning desire for something, and that incident was very painful. Id wanted a bike since I was a kid in a rural neighborhood where all the guys had a dirt bike, and I’d been fighting to get one for at least ten years at that point. I had thought that I was finally going to get what I had wanted so much for so long, and Mom demonstrated how hard she was willing to fight to maintain her complete dominance and power.
A part of me gave up that day and decided not to desire things. To move forward, I have to revive that part.
