11-09-2019, 09:46 PM
ME: I was expecting to wake up exhausted this morning, but I felt great. My mind has changed. I had a couple of those rage fantasies start up today, old habits die hard, but I told myself that I had just thought of something that made me feel powerless and I was trying to make myself feel powerful by beating up on imaginary people. They dissipated when I did that and didn’t come back. My head just feels clearer and lighter too. All those fantasies are now is a habit of thinking, it will be replaced. This feels good. I don’t know if the fear removal process is complete, but Something has been completed. I can now see how all of the fears that were getting in my way branched off of that one thing, and I can trace their path all the way down. It feels like an automatic process now.
I did take a look one level lower, and a bit back on the timeline from when I went to school and the divorce and the rest of it happened. I was expecting to find some horrible root fear, but what I found was happiness.
Before that, my childhood was pretty awesome. Both of my parents showed me love and so did everyone else in my life. I was happy for the first five years of my life. I think that’s what saved me from being a lot more of a mess than I am.
I got another kind of insight I am seeing that our passions, hopes, dreams, whatever you want to call them originate from this too, and work the same way as fear does. With all the nodes and tendrils. I am seeing the problem we’re having as that the fear is wrapping itself around them like strangling vines, and either stopping them from getting to the surface or warping and contaminating how they get there. Come to think of it, I think the fear actually steals energy from the passion.
For instance, those rage fantasies of mine. They are a kind of warping of my perfectly normal urge to feel powerful into something unhealthy. There are very healthy ways for that to manifest now that the way is clearer.
I have more work to do. I need to puzzle out exactly how my fears were getting in the way of me executing this program specifically, and I need to get my passions flowing back to the surface with real energy in a way that makes it happen. That doesn’t just happen because they have been so warped out of shape and blocked for so long.
I did take a look one level lower, and a bit back on the timeline from when I went to school and the divorce and the rest of it happened. I was expecting to find some horrible root fear, but what I found was happiness.
Before that, my childhood was pretty awesome. Both of my parents showed me love and so did everyone else in my life. I was happy for the first five years of my life. I think that’s what saved me from being a lot more of a mess than I am.
I got another kind of insight I am seeing that our passions, hopes, dreams, whatever you want to call them originate from this too, and work the same way as fear does. With all the nodes and tendrils. I am seeing the problem we’re having as that the fear is wrapping itself around them like strangling vines, and either stopping them from getting to the surface or warping and contaminating how they get there. Come to think of it, I think the fear actually steals energy from the passion.
For instance, those rage fantasies of mine. They are a kind of warping of my perfectly normal urge to feel powerful into something unhealthy. There are very healthy ways for that to manifest now that the way is clearer.
I have more work to do. I need to puzzle out exactly how my fears were getting in the way of me executing this program specifically, and I need to get my passions flowing back to the surface with real energy in a way that makes it happen. That doesn’t just happen because they have been so warped out of shape and blocked for so long.
