UMS. Let’s get at it

[Paul1131]

Aaannd the driving force behind this has picked it’s next target. I feel it scratching at another wall. Behind this one is the ball of rage and aggression in my chest. In and of itself rage and aggression isn’t the problem. The issue is that it’s being held in a ball in my chest. By something other than my own will. This is extremely unhealthy and leaks out in extremely unhealthy ways. For instance I have anger fantasies that come upon me unplanned and take me totally away from what I’m doing and thinking about. They border on being dissociative episodes. They went away for the most part on LTU, but they’ve come back a bit on UMS. That is because something that was in LTU that isn’t in UMS was helping, but LTU didn’t go deep enough, so the underlying problem remains.
That underlying problem isn’t the stuff that makes me angry, it’s the fear based inhibition that makes me try to hold the anger under 100% control all the time and not let a drop of it out ever. Matter of fact, I have a lot of inhibitions that have prevented me from doing a lot of things in life.
The thing I can say this one has really done is prevent me from standing up for myself. Actually, it’s not just my anger that’s bound up in a net of inhibition, it’s all of my passions. In any sense of the word. There’s a rev limiter on all of them.
We shall find out why, but I’m not forcing it tonight. Getting through that wall last night took a lot out of me, and I’m exhausted. It will either happen on its own, or I’ll get to it in the next few days.