10-26-2019, 06:16 PM
ME: I’m still on the introspection and tracing the roots of my fears phase of things. I am glad that the sub has made it possible for me to get a very clear look at myself without a bunch of BS in the way. One thing I’m sure is an affect of the sub is that it seems to have greatly reduced the level of judgement and resulting discomfort that this process would have caused me before. I can take a long look at the less flattering aspects of myself without feeling so much shame that I would turn away before digging for the reasons. I’m absolutely sure that what I’m doing now is an absolutely necessary phase in getting my mental house in order so I can level my life up. FRM has made it possible, but it can’t do this part for me under the hood.
I found two things today, and they’re closely related. First. Im afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of admitting that where I am in life is my own doing and the result of a million decisions that I myself have made and continue to make. The bad parts are my fault, but that also means that the good parts are my doing.
The second thing is that because of this, I lie to myself a lot. I primarily do that in order to serve that fear of responsibility. I blame anything and everything that I don’t like about myself on someone or something else. Why? I don’t want to admit to myself that I chose to be that way. This is the same victim mentality that I look down on in others, and I can’t say that I’m happy to find it in myself, but it’s there, it has been for most of my life, I put it there, I let it stay and grow, and it does not serve me.
(I’m going to go through some examples, I’m mostly doing it because writing something out helps me focus and think about it if you don’t want to read I won’t be offended).
For example, I frequently blame my parents for the stuff that goes on in my mind, and the failures that have resulted from it. I like to say that they were so mentally abusive that they messed me up for life. It IS true that they were abusive. They seemed to do everything they could to tear me down and make me feel like a worthless piece of crap every day. That lead to me hearing a voice (not literally hearing it) in my head that did the same thing even decades later (that mostly stopped on LTU). The voice lead me to be afraid to try anything, have flashes of anger, and all kinds of things. Maybe it was their fault in the beginning, when I was a child. But I’ve been a legal adult for over twenty years, and capable of recognizing that my thought and emotional patterns were a problem for longer than that. There were plenty of things available that might have helped in the late nineties. Subliminals existed though they were nothing like what we have here, they might have done some good. There was hypnotherapy, various types of regular therapy, a million books on changing your thinking, and other things. I knew about them. Did I use any of them, no. I just went on having the problem and blaming my parents for it while it prevented me from having the success and living the life that I wanted to. I could have solved the problem much earlier had I just done a little research, found a plan, and implemented it. I consistently chose not to for decades. I am responsible for the problems still existing beyond where I could do something about it.
When I ask myself why I did badly in school, I like to say it’s because I was picked on so badly that I couldn’t concentrate as well as blame my parents for the stuff I mentioned above. That’s BOLLSHEET. I did badly because I consistently decided not to pay attention to what I was supposed to do, decided not to do homework, and decided not to do any bomber of other things knowing full well that if I made too many of these decisions, I’d get bad grades. That is my responsibility.
Why don’t I have a college degree? Because life got in the way. BS, because I made a million little decisions that lead me away from succeeding at that. I self sabotaged every time I could. (This is one of these things that I wouldn’t let myself achieve due to fear of success even though I am eminently capable of it). I’m responsible for that.
Why was my credit score in the tank and still not what it should be? Because I just forgot to pay the bills because I’m disorganized. BS, because I chose not to make a system that ensured that they got paid. I decided repeatedly not to get off my butt, pay attention to when things were due and make sure they got in.
And so on. I don’t know if this is an effect of the sub or not, but I think that the reason I’m able to analyze this stuff without feeling too much shame and anger at myself is that I’ve forgiven myself for it.
I found two things today, and they’re closely related. First. Im afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of admitting that where I am in life is my own doing and the result of a million decisions that I myself have made and continue to make. The bad parts are my fault, but that also means that the good parts are my doing.
The second thing is that because of this, I lie to myself a lot. I primarily do that in order to serve that fear of responsibility. I blame anything and everything that I don’t like about myself on someone or something else. Why? I don’t want to admit to myself that I chose to be that way. This is the same victim mentality that I look down on in others, and I can’t say that I’m happy to find it in myself, but it’s there, it has been for most of my life, I put it there, I let it stay and grow, and it does not serve me.
(I’m going to go through some examples, I’m mostly doing it because writing something out helps me focus and think about it if you don’t want to read I won’t be offended).
For example, I frequently blame my parents for the stuff that goes on in my mind, and the failures that have resulted from it. I like to say that they were so mentally abusive that they messed me up for life. It IS true that they were abusive. They seemed to do everything they could to tear me down and make me feel like a worthless piece of crap every day. That lead to me hearing a voice (not literally hearing it) in my head that did the same thing even decades later (that mostly stopped on LTU). The voice lead me to be afraid to try anything, have flashes of anger, and all kinds of things. Maybe it was their fault in the beginning, when I was a child. But I’ve been a legal adult for over twenty years, and capable of recognizing that my thought and emotional patterns were a problem for longer than that. There were plenty of things available that might have helped in the late nineties. Subliminals existed though they were nothing like what we have here, they might have done some good. There was hypnotherapy, various types of regular therapy, a million books on changing your thinking, and other things. I knew about them. Did I use any of them, no. I just went on having the problem and blaming my parents for it while it prevented me from having the success and living the life that I wanted to. I could have solved the problem much earlier had I just done a little research, found a plan, and implemented it. I consistently chose not to for decades. I am responsible for the problems still existing beyond where I could do something about it.
When I ask myself why I did badly in school, I like to say it’s because I was picked on so badly that I couldn’t concentrate as well as blame my parents for the stuff I mentioned above. That’s BOLLSHEET. I did badly because I consistently decided not to pay attention to what I was supposed to do, decided not to do homework, and decided not to do any bomber of other things knowing full well that if I made too many of these decisions, I’d get bad grades. That is my responsibility.
Why don’t I have a college degree? Because life got in the way. BS, because I made a million little decisions that lead me away from succeeding at that. I self sabotaged every time I could. (This is one of these things that I wouldn’t let myself achieve due to fear of success even though I am eminently capable of it). I’m responsible for that.
Why was my credit score in the tank and still not what it should be? Because I just forgot to pay the bills because I’m disorganized. BS, because I chose not to make a system that ensured that they got paid. I decided repeatedly not to get off my butt, pay attention to when things were due and make sure they got in.
And so on. I don’t know if this is an effect of the sub or not, but I think that the reason I’m able to analyze this stuff without feeling too much shame and anger at myself is that I’ve forgiven myself for it.
