10-23-2019, 03:40 PM
I turned on UMS on my phone driving home. Something I'd like to share turned up 10 minutes later, an emotional reaction in me.
I'd been out all day, and upon returning to our work yard, I quickly punched out. But I heard our head boss laughing loudly and freely amongst the other managers, and I have mixed feelings presently. While driving home, I had one of those imagined conversations with the boss in my head. I am going through some changes in my trust levels, and I've been emotionally attracted to him since........I view him as a child of an abusive background. He's in his 70's now, but he's rough, pushy, and I've picked up he's a real softie inside. I am looking for a father figure, when I think on it. Tears came when I wrote that.
In this imagined conversation, my eyes were down, and it was like I was trying to keep some front of being a man, though I perceived myself as younger. I felt fear, but I tried to push it down. I complimented him, and I told him I didn't know he could laugh.
Doesn't that sound all fucked up? I realized in this imagined conversation I was sabotaging my success and repelling him. AND.........my throat clenched up just imagining it. This is what spoke to me. All through my teens I was very quiet. I spoke freely to very few people. When I got into college, I resumed playing my french horn, as I played on scholarship. But one thing I faced often was my throat clenching while playing. From fear. I thought "why?" The same fear: people might get to know me. Me playing substandard would keep them away, as a clenched throat definitely affects the sound. A player with a closed throat sounds.....unconfident and scared. I just didn't like myself, and it was my biggest truth (this makes sense as I write; haven't thought about it in years)
Why did my throat close while imagining talking to my boss? I fear success with him since I imagine I'll be vulnerable then. Me saying what I did was repelling and insulting him---but a clear part of me also wanted to be available, be safe, and be considerate around him. I've said stupid shit to people who scared me in similar ways, my ex-MIL mostly. I wanted to impress her, though a part of me regularly chose to push her away.
I'm going to leave this here. I wrote this when I walked in.
I'd been out all day, and upon returning to our work yard, I quickly punched out. But I heard our head boss laughing loudly and freely amongst the other managers, and I have mixed feelings presently. While driving home, I had one of those imagined conversations with the boss in my head. I am going through some changes in my trust levels, and I've been emotionally attracted to him since........I view him as a child of an abusive background. He's in his 70's now, but he's rough, pushy, and I've picked up he's a real softie inside. I am looking for a father figure, when I think on it. Tears came when I wrote that.
In this imagined conversation, my eyes were down, and it was like I was trying to keep some front of being a man, though I perceived myself as younger. I felt fear, but I tried to push it down. I complimented him, and I told him I didn't know he could laugh.
Doesn't that sound all fucked up? I realized in this imagined conversation I was sabotaging my success and repelling him. AND.........my throat clenched up just imagining it. This is what spoke to me. All through my teens I was very quiet. I spoke freely to very few people. When I got into college, I resumed playing my french horn, as I played on scholarship. But one thing I faced often was my throat clenching while playing. From fear. I thought "why?" The same fear: people might get to know me. Me playing substandard would keep them away, as a clenched throat definitely affects the sound. A player with a closed throat sounds.....unconfident and scared. I just didn't like myself, and it was my biggest truth (this makes sense as I write; haven't thought about it in years)
Why did my throat close while imagining talking to my boss? I fear success with him since I imagine I'll be vulnerable then. Me saying what I did was repelling and insulting him---but a clear part of me also wanted to be available, be safe, and be considerate around him. I've said stupid shit to people who scared me in similar ways, my ex-MIL mostly. I wanted to impress her, though a part of me regularly chose to push her away.
I'm going to leave this here. I wrote this when I walked in.
I want to be FREE!
