UMS. Let’s get at it

[Paul1131]

On to what’s in that knot of fear. Why would I be afraid of fully executing UMS? Well, my first goal is to get us out of a financial crisis situation and onto an even keel. Here’s why I think that scares the crap out of me. My childhood was one crisis after another with no pause. My dad was broken person (I’ve dealt with this a bit in other journals) who placed on me (I perceived anyway) to be the one to make everything come out ok from the time my parents got divorced and he lost the first job when I was six till I was in my mid twenties. It was bad, He lost all ability to regulate and control his emotions, talked about suicide constantly, and I took it as my responsibility to make sure he didn’t do it. That was real difficult because I lived with my mother. So I lived in fear for a long time, and I took all that on myself. My purpose as I saw it became to make it all come out OK in the middle of constant crisis.
That has had an effect on all kinds of a choices I made, and stopped me from finding any kind of stability in life for a long time. Why does this make getting to stability scary? Because that part of me that formed during that time still thinks of constant crisis management as my purpose, and if we’re not in crisis, I no longer have a purpose. It’s an ego dissolution fear.
Is this idiotic? YEEEESSSSS. But that’s what this part of me thinks. I think that this part is kind of frozen in time, and it can’t change its perception of reality from the flashbulb picture of what it was when it was formed, and I suspect that it can only think and act within its own frame of reality.
I don’t know if realizing this will help in and of itself, but there it is. There is of course more than that.