UMS. Let’s get at it

[Shannon]

I carpet bombed for three days, cuz my subconscious told me to, now we’re letting it bloom.   I woke up yesterday  feeling like my mind had just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and I knew it was time to stop.  Once again, I felt mentally exhausted, but there was no physical tiredness or pain.  
I have been reading other UMS journals, and I see that a bunch of people are setting some pretty lofty goals for themselves.  I realized that I’m not doing that.  I have a huge amount of difficulty thinking of any goal more impressive than getting the house refinance done so that we have less going out than coming in.  I can think of myself being a millionaire or more in the abstract, and it felt possible before I started the program, but now that I have UMS going full bore so, I’m actually opening the door on getting there, actually trying in some sense, it’s gone.  I really don’t think about even getting the refi done that much anymore.  I was wondering why that was, and I felt it.  
There is a ginormous knot of fear in the way.  I don’t even really feel afraid consciously, but when I try to think forward to my goals, it’s there, right in the way.  It’s kind of like a mountain range in my mind.  From far off, it looks small, and I can conceptually think of myself getting through it.  Now that I’ve moved toward it, (and gotten more of a view into my subconscious) I’m beginning to see how big that sucker really is.  It boots out the sun and completely hides anything behind it (like what achieving my goals would be like).  When I think about trying to get through it, I just get this OOOOOHHHH CRRAAAP feeling.  At the moment, I’m not sure I can make it through that.  
That explains it.  That mountain range is the limit I’ve set for myself.  It’s why I’ve only been so successful in life, but never let myself exceed a certain level.  I’m not sure what I’m afraid of either.  I’m not sure if this thing consists of fear of failure, fear of success, or both.  I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before.  That in and of itself may be what makes this scary.  Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing?  And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed?  Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with?  I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was.  It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them.  I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied.  
Sorry if the stream of consciousness was hard to follow.  I’ve got work to do, and need to stop procrastinating by existential overthinking and writing in an online journal.

The first thing to remember is that in your imagination, you can do anything.  So why not make yourself taller than, and bigger than, the mountain range and the knot of fear, and just walk over and past them?  You can make yourself as big and powerful as you like.  Make yourself so big that the earth is smaller than what the moon looks like in the night sky.  Boom, knot of fear is insignificant, and mountains are too.

I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before.  That in and of itself may be what makes this scary.  Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing?  And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed?  Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with?  I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was.

This is based in a faulty belief.  That belief is, the self can only change if parts of it are destroyed and replaced.  That is not true.  Here is an example.

Part of "yourself" physically is your arm.  If you want to have arms like Arnold Schwarzenegger did at his prime, do you have to tear off your arms and replace them?  No, you make them change into what you wanted.  Same arms.  Same muscles.  Just in a different form, with different characteristics.

This same thing is true of the rest of you.  You can change any part of yourself.  No destruction necessary.  No fear necessary.

It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them.  I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied. 

Those knots are fear, yes?  Guess what happens to fear when you shine the light of truth on it?  It evaporates.  Just like a shadow.  The shadow of an ant can be huge and scary, but shine a light on the shadow and it disappears.  Light up the whole area - learn "what actually is" - and you see the ant.  Harmless.  Tiny.  Alone.  Not even really worth noticing in the first place.

You have to understand what they are caused by, and then you have to explain to that part of yourself why it's not something to be feared.  It's not the scary monster you're trying to make it out to be.  That's just fear creating scary illusions to scare you away from outgrowing, overcoming and getting rid of fear!

Fear is a liar.  An illusion created by the imagination, usually based on faulty thinking and beliefs, and based in a lack of real understanding.  Knowledge is the key here.  What is the source of the fear, and why is it not something to fear?