10-14-2019, 09:11 AM
I carpet bombed for three days, cuz my subconscious told me to, now we’re letting it bloom. I woke up yesterday feeling like my mind had just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and I knew it was time to stop. Once again, I felt mentally exhausted, but there was no physical tiredness or pain.
I have been reading other UMS journals, and I see that a bunch of people are setting some pretty lofty goals for themselves. I realized that I’m not doing that. I have a huge amount of difficulty thinking of any goal more impressive than getting the house refinance done so that we have less going out than coming in. I can think of myself being a millionaire or more in the abstract, and it felt possible before I started the program, but now that I have UMS going full bore so, I’m actually opening the door on getting there, actually trying in some sense, it’s gone. I really don’t think about even getting the refi done that much anymore. I was wondering why that was, and I felt it.
There is a ginormous knot of fear in the way. I don’t even really feel afraid consciously, but when I try to think forward to my goals, it’s there, right in the way. It’s kind of like a mountain range in my mind. From far off, it looks small, and I can conceptually think of myself getting through it. Now that I’ve moved toward it, (and gotten more of a view into my subconscious) I’m beginning to see how big that sucker really is. It boots out the sun and completely hides anything behind it (like what achieving my goals would be like). When I think about trying to get through it, I just get this OOOOOHHHH CRRAAAP feeling. At the moment, I’m not sure I can make it through that.
That explains it. That mountain range is the limit I’ve set for myself. It’s why I’ve only been so successful in life, but never let myself exceed a certain level. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of either. I’m not sure if this thing consists of fear of failure, fear of success, or both. I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before. That in and of itself may be what makes this scary. Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing? And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed? Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with? I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was. It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them. I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied.
Sorry if the stream of consciousness was hard to follow. I’ve got work to do, and need to stop procrastinating by existential overthinking and writing in an online journal.
I have been reading other UMS journals, and I see that a bunch of people are setting some pretty lofty goals for themselves. I realized that I’m not doing that. I have a huge amount of difficulty thinking of any goal more impressive than getting the house refinance done so that we have less going out than coming in. I can think of myself being a millionaire or more in the abstract, and it felt possible before I started the program, but now that I have UMS going full bore so, I’m actually opening the door on getting there, actually trying in some sense, it’s gone. I really don’t think about even getting the refi done that much anymore. I was wondering why that was, and I felt it.
There is a ginormous knot of fear in the way. I don’t even really feel afraid consciously, but when I try to think forward to my goals, it’s there, right in the way. It’s kind of like a mountain range in my mind. From far off, it looks small, and I can conceptually think of myself getting through it. Now that I’ve moved toward it, (and gotten more of a view into my subconscious) I’m beginning to see how big that sucker really is. It boots out the sun and completely hides anything behind it (like what achieving my goals would be like). When I think about trying to get through it, I just get this OOOOOHHHH CRRAAAP feeling. At the moment, I’m not sure I can make it through that.
That explains it. That mountain range is the limit I’ve set for myself. It’s why I’ve only been so successful in life, but never let myself exceed a certain level. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of either. I’m not sure if this thing consists of fear of failure, fear of success, or both. I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before. That in and of itself may be what makes this scary. Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing? And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed? Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with? I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was. It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them. I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied.
Sorry if the stream of consciousness was hard to follow. I’ve got work to do, and need to stop procrastinating by existential overthinking and writing in an online journal.
