ME: I’ve noticed a lot of internal stuff in the last few days. I don’t know how much of it is actually new, and how much has been going on for awhile but has flown under my radar. The first one really caught me by surprise. I was indulging in a kind of a daydream that I have had at least since I was on USLM2 and noticed that FRM alters your perception of memories. In it, I am able to go back to the time I left my first college, and the time I moved to a different state to attend my second, but I’m able to bring the latest and greatest subs with me so that I can get to work on my issues much earlier in life. This is about an eighteen month period starting around the turn of the millennium. It leads to me thinking about what I’d run, and what I would do differently in life.
I generally think that I’d still go to the same college at the same time. Then I thought that with some changes I could have kept the first girl I dated when I got there. Or that used to be how I thought about it. Not this time. I went through it, and said “not her” when I got to that point. It was a pretty strong reaction, with almost an “ick” feeling behind it. That’s new. I go into more detail in my LTU journal, but this girl has been stuck in my head for over a decade for some reason and it’s caused me all kinds of mental angst far longer than it should have.
That caused me to think about the relationship. When we were together, I didn’t have real strong feelings for her, but I kind of convinced myself that I did after the fact. Judging from how I felt when some things happened during, what I did have was a major sense of attachment stemming from fear. (Ditto with the two relationships before that). I was with her because she was available, I wasn’t that attracted to her, but didn’t think I’d be able to better. When she left due to her own issues, it confirmed a negative image of myself, and I took it badly. (Edit: This was the girl I had the dream about a month or so back, so there must be some real heavy stuff tied to her in my mind that FRM is working on)
Now, I can see that I could have done much better had I just moved on. There were opportunities aplenty, but I missed them because I was using being stuck on this girl as kind of an excuse not to take any more risks. I may have missed out on a lot.
I think this is the work of FRM, and also UMS increasing my sense of my own value, not just in the present, but also letting me see that I had a much higher value in the past than I thought I did. Sorry for the long auto psychoanalysis, but this one really hit me over the head, and writing helps me think it out.
Also, when I first started listening to USLM and even when I started UMS I was able to really visualize getting to my immediate financial goal and feel the relief and happiness that I will. That’s gone away. But not like I’ve lost sight of it, or don’t think it’ll happen. I realized that it’s because it might as well already have. I don’t dwell on it anymore, and I have no fear of it not happening. It’s like I’ve watched the movie many times, I know how it ends, and I’m kind of bored with it now.
WIFE: she reports that she is having weird dreams that she can’t quite remember almost every night she’s exposed and many nights when she’s not. Her general mood keeps getting better, and she still loves her job, and is going the extra mile to make herself more valuable.
I generally think that I’d still go to the same college at the same time. Then I thought that with some changes I could have kept the first girl I dated when I got there. Or that used to be how I thought about it. Not this time. I went through it, and said “not her” when I got to that point. It was a pretty strong reaction, with almost an “ick” feeling behind it. That’s new. I go into more detail in my LTU journal, but this girl has been stuck in my head for over a decade for some reason and it’s caused me all kinds of mental angst far longer than it should have.
That caused me to think about the relationship. When we were together, I didn’t have real strong feelings for her, but I kind of convinced myself that I did after the fact. Judging from how I felt when some things happened during, what I did have was a major sense of attachment stemming from fear. (Ditto with the two relationships before that). I was with her because she was available, I wasn’t that attracted to her, but didn’t think I’d be able to better. When she left due to her own issues, it confirmed a negative image of myself, and I took it badly. (Edit: This was the girl I had the dream about a month or so back, so there must be some real heavy stuff tied to her in my mind that FRM is working on)
Now, I can see that I could have done much better had I just moved on. There were opportunities aplenty, but I missed them because I was using being stuck on this girl as kind of an excuse not to take any more risks. I may have missed out on a lot.
I think this is the work of FRM, and also UMS increasing my sense of my own value, not just in the present, but also letting me see that I had a much higher value in the past than I thought I did. Sorry for the long auto psychoanalysis, but this one really hit me over the head, and writing helps me think it out.
Also, when I first started listening to USLM and even when I started UMS I was able to really visualize getting to my immediate financial goal and feel the relief and happiness that I will. That’s gone away. But not like I’ve lost sight of it, or don’t think it’ll happen. I realized that it’s because it might as well already have. I don’t dwell on it anymore, and I have no fear of it not happening. It’s like I’ve watched the movie many times, I know how it ends, and I’m kind of bored with it now.
WIFE: she reports that she is having weird dreams that she can’t quite remember almost every night she’s exposed and many nights when she’s not. Her general mood keeps getting better, and she still loves her job, and is going the extra mile to make herself more valuable.
