I just got back from a long walk. I realized I've done this walk during the start of numerous subs and journals, and I remember doing it on DMSI 2.??
I'd been inside all day, reading on my Chromebook, reaching out to 2 miners, nothing of major consequence. So, when I got outside, I became aware that I was a little somber. Strange, as I wasn't feeling it so clearly when inside. At this moment I don't have absolute and controlled answers. Just whiffs of emotion linked to deeper truths.
Something I've seen numerous times throughout my day are my normal emotional escape routes. I noticed the hideout mentality this morning. While walking, I felt that heavy emotion in me, but also became aware of the tendency to look for attention so I'd be distracted. I thought of me being goofy here on my thread before starting DMSI. And, I didn't feel scared being aware of them. This allowed my honest emotions to remain. I was being honest with myself, and I desired it.
I realize, and have realized a few times today, that I've craved a healthy, honest relationship with a woman, and my fear-based distractions keep me and them away. One example of this showed up on my walk. A tan, blond, woman in a sheer white dress was out in her yard taking her small pooch out for a potty break. She was maybe 50-60. I was a house away, eyeing her, but coming her way. She noticed me, and I kept looking. I felt an anxiety at first. But then, I looked away--without me consciously trying to do so. Within seconds I knew why. I was putting on a front, and part of me took over, extinguishing the possibility for living out a front, a lie. Me being honest with someone I know is preferable ANY day vs. lying to a stranger. That was a nice revelation.
I'm not sure what you've done in DMSI Shannon, but that's not really important. I like what I'm feeling. I've associated almost any socializing with me lying, so obviously, I don't socialize much. It kills my confidence when I lie to look good, and I live in regret after. If DMSI can help me be myself in front of others, then thank you.
I'm considering going out early tomorrow, just so I can feel my honesty around others.
I'd been inside all day, reading on my Chromebook, reaching out to 2 miners, nothing of major consequence. So, when I got outside, I became aware that I was a little somber. Strange, as I wasn't feeling it so clearly when inside. At this moment I don't have absolute and controlled answers. Just whiffs of emotion linked to deeper truths.
Something I've seen numerous times throughout my day are my normal emotional escape routes. I noticed the hideout mentality this morning. While walking, I felt that heavy emotion in me, but also became aware of the tendency to look for attention so I'd be distracted. I thought of me being goofy here on my thread before starting DMSI. And, I didn't feel scared being aware of them. This allowed my honest emotions to remain. I was being honest with myself, and I desired it.
I realize, and have realized a few times today, that I've craved a healthy, honest relationship with a woman, and my fear-based distractions keep me and them away. One example of this showed up on my walk. A tan, blond, woman in a sheer white dress was out in her yard taking her small pooch out for a potty break. She was maybe 50-60. I was a house away, eyeing her, but coming her way. She noticed me, and I kept looking. I felt an anxiety at first. But then, I looked away--without me consciously trying to do so. Within seconds I knew why. I was putting on a front, and part of me took over, extinguishing the possibility for living out a front, a lie. Me being honest with someone I know is preferable ANY day vs. lying to a stranger. That was a nice revelation.
I'm not sure what you've done in DMSI Shannon, but that's not really important. I like what I'm feeling. I've associated almost any socializing with me lying, so obviously, I don't socialize much. It kills my confidence when I lie to look good, and I live in regret after. If DMSI can help me be myself in front of others, then thank you.
I'm considering going out early tomorrow, just so I can feel my honesty around others.
I want to be FREE!
