09-27-2019, 04:56 AM
(02-07-2019, 04:08 PM)mat422 Wrote: First off, holy crap. I didn't realize LTU had the FULL titles, I thought it was modules. And the fact that it's 12 titles. Wow. I just got around to buying it because I'm starting tomorrow, but I wasn't expecting this much. I'm even more excited to start this now.
I figured before I jumped into this program I'd outline some of the stuff I've been struggling with that I hope LTU can work on. In bulleted form so I don't get carried away and go on another one of my rants.
- Perfectionism - I've struggled with this for a while now. It holds me back a lot. Being afraid of trying new things, being afraid of things that are less than ideal, putting others down in my head or devaluing stuff if my own skills or abilities don't match. It's just been very toxic. I rarely move forward as much as possible and I close myself off to the vast pool of inspiration out there.
- Insecurity - I am incredibly insecure. For years now I've told myself I'm not, but there's stuff there that needs to be addressed. This sort of ties in with perfectionism. I compare myself a lot to others. Get very defensive in my own head when someone is better than me at something because I perceive it as a threat to my own self worth. I believe, but I'm not sure, perfectionism was a response to core self worth issues. I try to get interactions and relationships "perfect" or manipulate them in ways that aren't genuine to me but result in favorable outcomes.
- Relationships- I've always been a very closed off person. Guarding my emotions tightly, rarely letting anyone in. My relationships have been few and far between, but I feel I often sabotage them. Push people away before they can either reject me or to hide parts of myself I don't like(ties into the perfectionism again).
- Living authentically/not being subtly controlled by the opinions of others- The life I'm living right now, it's not terrible but it doesn't feel like me. I feel trapped a lot of the time. I feel like I'm doing it for someone else. Yet a lot of the time I have trouble breaking that fear. There's a part of me that longs for a different way of living, but at the same time it's not abundantly clear what it is. And I think that just might be a product of fear. Ill defined goals and cloudy perspective on what the future holds has always been a problem of mine. But I believe it's a tactic to get me to stay in place, after all if I can't plan or see where I'm going I'm more likely to stay in the same place.
I think that about covers it. It feels like this entire week my mind has been prepping for LTU. Tackling everything at once is definitely the way to go for me though. Through the years I've seen just how much my behavior is tied together like a spider web of issues. Sometimes confusing me to the point of honestly not knowing what to work on or where to start.
I'll say this though, I feel as if I've been stuck for so long I have a really hard time even imagining a life beyond what I'm living right now. It's not that I've given up or quit, I've just banged my head against the wall so many times my expectations are rather low. But I keep trying despite that.
Hi. Sometimes we think to much in something and the tree doesnt let us to seee the forest. I wonder if some of the stuff of this list now is better than when you started.
