09-05-2019, 09:38 AM
Wow, it's so annoying. I had quite a bit of things to report since my last report, and suddenly random auto refresh just took all of that away. Fucking great!
Let's start with why I haven't reported for a while. The reason is that I didn't simply want to keep write nothing special, or same as yesterday and etc. This time there are a few different things worth reporting. Hopefully this is going to be a helpful report.
1. Celeb effects?
First was basically by a woman in 40s telling me that I am giving a similar vibe to that of her favorite singer (whom I don't remember) that she thought I would be good at singing and that I should consider singing as a profession.
Second was by another woman in 40s telling me that I am giving similar vibe to that of a musical star (whom I don't remember) and I also have a similar voice that she also thought that I would be good at singing. I believe this person also suggested that I look into that as my profession.
Third was by a guy who's probably in 40s or in 50s. He basically said something like "us handsome guys" and if I remember correctly said that he chose a wrong career and that he should have been an actor or a movie star. If I remember correctly, he was giving a nuance that I should consider that. Also, the feeling was that this person was trying his best to praise my looks at the same time trying to validate himself/appeal to me that he was also a good looking guy, trying his best to match my status/level, which was interesting as I was doing nothing to demean his status.
Fourth involves babies. Well, from my DMSI times, I have gotten lots of stares from babies, and even dogs. I would like to mention one specific incidence in which a baby was staring at me entire time to a point that the baby was turning his/her head even when her mom was leaving (the baby was in his/her arms.) Also there was an incident in which a toddler was crying, and when the toddler saw me he/she stopped crying, and when I was walking past and was no longer on the toddler's sight, he/she started crying again.
Speaking that baby incident, I was helping a customer getting a document from a self-help kiosk, which I needed to check in order to give the person a parking discount. A temporary worker came to help (which was her job to help customers at the kiosk machine), and she noticed that this baby was staring at me the entire time. The worker said that the baby must be staring at me because I am a good looking, which I denied. (for being modest.) It was actually ridiculous as the baby was literally staring at me the whole time and maybe gave 2 seconds look at this temporary worker.
With LTU I have been compared to the celebrities and being told good looking a few times. I don't know if any of these incidents have happened prior to my last report, but I remember and I recognize this a pattern, which I am not seeing that much lately, but rather getting a subtle hints here and there.
2. Greater desire for freedom, especially financial freedom.
I was basically writing a detailed explanation about how I came to appreciate and want greater freedom, especially financial freedom, but that auto refresh basically destroyed all the work. I'm tired now, so I'm just going to leave it at that.
3. Starting to recognize poor mindsets and wanting greater independence and strength to stand up and support myself
It's probably related to point 2, but it's more related to the job environment in which I see people on welfare every single day, and people who try to be on it every single day. I don't know about other places, but believe me on this. At least in where I am, you definitely want to avoid being on welfare at all cost, as it traps you in the system, and strips all your ability to stand up for yourself. At least that's what I have observed, and people's mindsets changed to poor mindsets for majority of the cases I observed. This led to point 2 and 3.
4. Interesting developing on women related issues.
The first is that I read Shyness and Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Brian G. Gilmartin. I actually read this book because I read somewhere that it's related to Incels and I developed an interest for Incels after the shootings in the US. (I can go on more but it may violate politics issues. Anyway, my grad study was international affairs, although in a more niche manner, so I developed that interest.) However, it turned out that it was also related to me.
I found that I had many characteristics of love shy men, and my symptoms/scores would be in between that of average guy and that of severely love shy. However, I also saw that I have had much improvements over the course of my life even before the time of LTU. Therefore, there's a hope.
Also, I asked a guy (he's a new guy who was sent to the office to replace a previously discharged conscript. ) to set me up for a blind date. The book served its purpose as being a good excuse to ask the guy for that. (Practice dating, and I need to practice to be better and etc.) The guy said he knew a few girls, but it turned out that none of them were really available as they all live pretty far away from where I live. So logistics wise no.
What's also interesting is with the gov coworkers at the office. I could be dead wrong about this, but I have a gut feeling that two of the girls had developed an interest/feelings for me.
One of them left (her shift came, and the city hall basically called her up) and the other is still here.
Anyway with the girl who left, I remember when this girl was staring at me one day a lot. I could have been very wrong that she could have looked at something else like outside, but I got the feeling that this girl was staring at me.
At the time, I decided to play it very safe, so basically I ignored her, and not looked at her. And later that day, I heard her complaining to a coworker sitting next to her about how somebody wasn't even looking at her once. I wrote somebody as I don't know if she was addressing me or someone else. My gut tells me that she meant me, but I know that men overestimate girl's interest, so I am not going to presume anything.
Anyway, after that day, I have not seen her staring at me. (Occasionally, I might have seen her glancing at me a few times.)
The second girl is more tricky. She has more bubbly personality, more social. She's pretty close with pretty much everyone, except I and the other conscript. (And a few other employees, but they rarely need to work together or they barely need to work.) Lots of laughs and giggles can be expected of this one. The other girl on the other hand was a more serious type, but feels more like she could be a good wife and a mother material.
Anyway, there were two incidents that I needed to go and ask her things, work related stuff. And what I felt was basically that she would be tense, or at least I felt tense aura. It felt to me that she was tense. To certain difficult customers (e.g. those who complain a lot about the social welfare, or those who's not quite understanding materials that she repeatedly explained) she does that, but I don't quite understand why she would tense up around me.
What's interesting is that I think I have caught her giggling/laughing when I was helping a customer twice. Both incidents were basically helping the customer with a fax machine. It couldn't have been because I sucked at helping the customer. I know I am good with helping the customers. How do I know? Remember the temporary worker I mentioned? She sometimes came to my spot to help customers with fax. In many times when she saw me helping the customer, she showed admiration for my being effective and being good. Also there were many cases when customers got angry at the service they got at the front desk, and they became happy after getting my service. (One was basically getting a necessary document, and the other is with the machine.) So it couldn't have been for my being bad with work.
And one of them for sure, I know that it had to do with me, because the girl's giggle was so out of random that a coworker sitting next to her asked what's up. She basically said nothing, and told the person that it was about fax.
And recently girls (this girl and another girl sitting next to her) speak in a much lower voice, to a point that I cannot hear what they say. (Not that I like eavesdropping other people's conversation, but I have a good hearing that I just hear them say things, without my trying to hear them.) I remember that one time the coworker took this girl somewhere more private, where it's more difficult to hear and I remember hearing the girl grasping and saying no. And this was the day after I asked my fellow conscript to set me up with a blind date. (BTW this girl wasn't at the office when I asked for date as it was her day off.)
Also another thing I noticed is that when she has a chance to move it seems that this girl is trying to be close to me. For instance, there was fire drill with fire fighters. When we gathered around to train escaping the building, this girl was standing next to me. And today, when we had a snack, this girl came in later than I and she basically stood right next to me.
However, that's pretty much all that she does. She's not smiling at me or anything. (Nor did the previous girl who I thought was staring at me with open mouth.) Since I know that guys overestimate girl's interest, I deliberate try to think that stuff like these don't mean a thing, unless they make their intentions much more clear.
Yet, there is a part of me that thinks the girls had interest and the second still having interest in me. (Who knows how long that will continue if it were true though) Okay so that's unusual of me.
Two things are unusual with girl issues then. 1. I asked a guy to set me up for a date, which I never seriously asked any guy. 2. Assuming that girls may have interests.
Still, given that I have been told and been compared to celebrities several times, who knows maybe I am damn good looking that they may have feelings even though I am small. (And also that I don't interact with them at all as I am not given any work to do with them.)
Come to think of it, there was a case in the US that a guy thought a girl (both classmates) had interest in me and that were were developing. Although if that were true I know that I blew it. (It's a long story.)
Anyway, if I'm not wrong and that the girl's interest in me was/is actual, then I must be damn good looking as I have no game nor do I know anything about executing game. It could be aura developed by DMSI and LTU. Who knows.
It's all speculations at this point, and given that it's fucking dangerous to take action in my current situation, I'm not going to be more active or aggressive, unless this girl seriously shows sign that can never be mistaken even by a clueless fool like me.
Enough of girl talks.
Another interesting development is that I am getting more serious with money stuff. After I finished the love shy book, I am looking and being directed to money stuff. So today for instance, I watched Richard Kiyosaki on London Real and Dan Pena stuff. I planed on doing it, but I was guided to this a few days ago.
Things are well and looking good, with my improving pretty much every aspects of my life (although some slow, but starting to show things are moving), one thing I wish to take care more is with laziness. I wish I had focused more and pushed myself more on the programming stuff I had been doing. As I began reading the book, I stopped studying the programming. I should do that more, and at least finish it and move on to the next one. It isn't that it's no longer fun, but I find that I still have some difficulty getting started.
Another interesting thing to note is that my interest in games (computer and video) decreased that games that would have interested me no longer interests me other than only a few ones, and those ones relate to my grad study materials. Also, my masturbation drastically decreased, and it's now very hard to find porn that actually turn me on. It could be with aging, but it could be with the sub.
Additionally, I sorta thought that the less I am obsessed with getting a girl, it's more likely that I would get a quality girl. And I resented at that. Now, I don't have any resentment about that and I am less obsessed with getting a girl. I'm much more chill, and thinking that first I gotta secure my freedom. Second, I gotta get myself to perform and produce really well. I have what it takes, but I gotta need to put things together, and need to do that consistently. Then more good things will come. That's the mindset I now have.
So speaking of that, I bought UMS and USLM before price going up. It could be a bad purchase as I am sticking with LTU till the end of the conscription, but well, I'm making less than $200 a month and price increase is going to be a challenge. Besides, if I know that I am going to be aiming to build extremely solid financial ground to secure my freedom and do greater things in the world, why not grad stuff that will help me get there when I can?
Let's start with why I haven't reported for a while. The reason is that I didn't simply want to keep write nothing special, or same as yesterday and etc. This time there are a few different things worth reporting. Hopefully this is going to be a helpful report.
1. Celeb effects?
First was basically by a woman in 40s telling me that I am giving a similar vibe to that of her favorite singer (whom I don't remember) that she thought I would be good at singing and that I should consider singing as a profession.
Second was by another woman in 40s telling me that I am giving similar vibe to that of a musical star (whom I don't remember) and I also have a similar voice that she also thought that I would be good at singing. I believe this person also suggested that I look into that as my profession.
Third was by a guy who's probably in 40s or in 50s. He basically said something like "us handsome guys" and if I remember correctly said that he chose a wrong career and that he should have been an actor or a movie star. If I remember correctly, he was giving a nuance that I should consider that. Also, the feeling was that this person was trying his best to praise my looks at the same time trying to validate himself/appeal to me that he was also a good looking guy, trying his best to match my status/level, which was interesting as I was doing nothing to demean his status.
Fourth involves babies. Well, from my DMSI times, I have gotten lots of stares from babies, and even dogs. I would like to mention one specific incidence in which a baby was staring at me entire time to a point that the baby was turning his/her head even when her mom was leaving (the baby was in his/her arms.) Also there was an incident in which a toddler was crying, and when the toddler saw me he/she stopped crying, and when I was walking past and was no longer on the toddler's sight, he/she started crying again.
Speaking that baby incident, I was helping a customer getting a document from a self-help kiosk, which I needed to check in order to give the person a parking discount. A temporary worker came to help (which was her job to help customers at the kiosk machine), and she noticed that this baby was staring at me the entire time. The worker said that the baby must be staring at me because I am a good looking, which I denied. (for being modest.) It was actually ridiculous as the baby was literally staring at me the whole time and maybe gave 2 seconds look at this temporary worker.
With LTU I have been compared to the celebrities and being told good looking a few times. I don't know if any of these incidents have happened prior to my last report, but I remember and I recognize this a pattern, which I am not seeing that much lately, but rather getting a subtle hints here and there.
2. Greater desire for freedom, especially financial freedom.
I was basically writing a detailed explanation about how I came to appreciate and want greater freedom, especially financial freedom, but that auto refresh basically destroyed all the work. I'm tired now, so I'm just going to leave it at that.
3. Starting to recognize poor mindsets and wanting greater independence and strength to stand up and support myself
It's probably related to point 2, but it's more related to the job environment in which I see people on welfare every single day, and people who try to be on it every single day. I don't know about other places, but believe me on this. At least in where I am, you definitely want to avoid being on welfare at all cost, as it traps you in the system, and strips all your ability to stand up for yourself. At least that's what I have observed, and people's mindsets changed to poor mindsets for majority of the cases I observed. This led to point 2 and 3.
4. Interesting developing on women related issues.
The first is that I read Shyness and Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Brian G. Gilmartin. I actually read this book because I read somewhere that it's related to Incels and I developed an interest for Incels after the shootings in the US. (I can go on more but it may violate politics issues. Anyway, my grad study was international affairs, although in a more niche manner, so I developed that interest.) However, it turned out that it was also related to me.
I found that I had many characteristics of love shy men, and my symptoms/scores would be in between that of average guy and that of severely love shy. However, I also saw that I have had much improvements over the course of my life even before the time of LTU. Therefore, there's a hope.
Also, I asked a guy (he's a new guy who was sent to the office to replace a previously discharged conscript. ) to set me up for a blind date. The book served its purpose as being a good excuse to ask the guy for that. (Practice dating, and I need to practice to be better and etc.) The guy said he knew a few girls, but it turned out that none of them were really available as they all live pretty far away from where I live. So logistics wise no.
What's also interesting is with the gov coworkers at the office. I could be dead wrong about this, but I have a gut feeling that two of the girls had developed an interest/feelings for me.
One of them left (her shift came, and the city hall basically called her up) and the other is still here.
Anyway with the girl who left, I remember when this girl was staring at me one day a lot. I could have been very wrong that she could have looked at something else like outside, but I got the feeling that this girl was staring at me.
At the time, I decided to play it very safe, so basically I ignored her, and not looked at her. And later that day, I heard her complaining to a coworker sitting next to her about how somebody wasn't even looking at her once. I wrote somebody as I don't know if she was addressing me or someone else. My gut tells me that she meant me, but I know that men overestimate girl's interest, so I am not going to presume anything.
Anyway, after that day, I have not seen her staring at me. (Occasionally, I might have seen her glancing at me a few times.)
The second girl is more tricky. She has more bubbly personality, more social. She's pretty close with pretty much everyone, except I and the other conscript. (And a few other employees, but they rarely need to work together or they barely need to work.) Lots of laughs and giggles can be expected of this one. The other girl on the other hand was a more serious type, but feels more like she could be a good wife and a mother material.
Anyway, there were two incidents that I needed to go and ask her things, work related stuff. And what I felt was basically that she would be tense, or at least I felt tense aura. It felt to me that she was tense. To certain difficult customers (e.g. those who complain a lot about the social welfare, or those who's not quite understanding materials that she repeatedly explained) she does that, but I don't quite understand why she would tense up around me.
What's interesting is that I think I have caught her giggling/laughing when I was helping a customer twice. Both incidents were basically helping the customer with a fax machine. It couldn't have been because I sucked at helping the customer. I know I am good with helping the customers. How do I know? Remember the temporary worker I mentioned? She sometimes came to my spot to help customers with fax. In many times when she saw me helping the customer, she showed admiration for my being effective and being good. Also there were many cases when customers got angry at the service they got at the front desk, and they became happy after getting my service. (One was basically getting a necessary document, and the other is with the machine.) So it couldn't have been for my being bad with work.
And one of them for sure, I know that it had to do with me, because the girl's giggle was so out of random that a coworker sitting next to her asked what's up. She basically said nothing, and told the person that it was about fax.
And recently girls (this girl and another girl sitting next to her) speak in a much lower voice, to a point that I cannot hear what they say. (Not that I like eavesdropping other people's conversation, but I have a good hearing that I just hear them say things, without my trying to hear them.) I remember that one time the coworker took this girl somewhere more private, where it's more difficult to hear and I remember hearing the girl grasping and saying no. And this was the day after I asked my fellow conscript to set me up with a blind date. (BTW this girl wasn't at the office when I asked for date as it was her day off.)
Also another thing I noticed is that when she has a chance to move it seems that this girl is trying to be close to me. For instance, there was fire drill with fire fighters. When we gathered around to train escaping the building, this girl was standing next to me. And today, when we had a snack, this girl came in later than I and she basically stood right next to me.
However, that's pretty much all that she does. She's not smiling at me or anything. (Nor did the previous girl who I thought was staring at me with open mouth.) Since I know that guys overestimate girl's interest, I deliberate try to think that stuff like these don't mean a thing, unless they make their intentions much more clear.
Yet, there is a part of me that thinks the girls had interest and the second still having interest in me. (Who knows how long that will continue if it were true though) Okay so that's unusual of me.
Two things are unusual with girl issues then. 1. I asked a guy to set me up for a date, which I never seriously asked any guy. 2. Assuming that girls may have interests.
Still, given that I have been told and been compared to celebrities several times, who knows maybe I am damn good looking that they may have feelings even though I am small. (And also that I don't interact with them at all as I am not given any work to do with them.)
Come to think of it, there was a case in the US that a guy thought a girl (both classmates) had interest in me and that were were developing. Although if that were true I know that I blew it. (It's a long story.)
Anyway, if I'm not wrong and that the girl's interest in me was/is actual, then I must be damn good looking as I have no game nor do I know anything about executing game. It could be aura developed by DMSI and LTU. Who knows.
It's all speculations at this point, and given that it's fucking dangerous to take action in my current situation, I'm not going to be more active or aggressive, unless this girl seriously shows sign that can never be mistaken even by a clueless fool like me.
Enough of girl talks.
Another interesting development is that I am getting more serious with money stuff. After I finished the love shy book, I am looking and being directed to money stuff. So today for instance, I watched Richard Kiyosaki on London Real and Dan Pena stuff. I planed on doing it, but I was guided to this a few days ago.
Things are well and looking good, with my improving pretty much every aspects of my life (although some slow, but starting to show things are moving), one thing I wish to take care more is with laziness. I wish I had focused more and pushed myself more on the programming stuff I had been doing. As I began reading the book, I stopped studying the programming. I should do that more, and at least finish it and move on to the next one. It isn't that it's no longer fun, but I find that I still have some difficulty getting started.
Another interesting thing to note is that my interest in games (computer and video) decreased that games that would have interested me no longer interests me other than only a few ones, and those ones relate to my grad study materials. Also, my masturbation drastically decreased, and it's now very hard to find porn that actually turn me on. It could be with aging, but it could be with the sub.
Additionally, I sorta thought that the less I am obsessed with getting a girl, it's more likely that I would get a quality girl. And I resented at that. Now, I don't have any resentment about that and I am less obsessed with getting a girl. I'm much more chill, and thinking that first I gotta secure my freedom. Second, I gotta get myself to perform and produce really well. I have what it takes, but I gotta need to put things together, and need to do that consistently. Then more good things will come. That's the mindset I now have.
So speaking of that, I bought UMS and USLM before price going up. It could be a bad purchase as I am sticking with LTU till the end of the conscription, but well, I'm making less than $200 a month and price increase is going to be a challenge. Besides, if I know that I am going to be aiming to build extremely solid financial ground to secure my freedom and do greater things in the world, why not grad stuff that will help me get there when I can?
