09-01-2019, 05:14 PM
Decided to take a week off ltu and see how I feel. If any bloom takes place or things improve more. At the end of the week if nothings all that different, I'm leaving ltu for now and Shannon's subs and exploring something else. I'm not upset or frustrated or angry or anything. It's just I'm having a hard time with LTU and overall I've felt I've been grinding now for quite a while and not having a lot to show for it.
I went camping this weekend and got a chance to see the stars with minimal light pollution. Humbling to say the least. I looked out at all the stars, thought about different galaxies, the vastness of it all. Then I reflected on my own life and what I was prioritizing, what I've been doing for the last 8 years, assessing how I can really start being happy. The short of it is I've felt like I've been trying to enjoy life for quite a while now and not quite getting there. And as far as these subs have come, whether it's how I am or how I respond, they've been an uphill climb that never feels like it ends and I'm really tired.
The solution is really to keep going, but honestly I'm out of steam. I can always come back to these subs, but if I don't try different things I'll never know. If there is something I respond to better our there it would be foolish of me not to use it because I have my ego caught up in feeling like I should be able to execute these subs 100%.
And if anyone reading this wants to point out that this is a resistance tactic or running away, thats fine. But preemptively I have to say, I don't really care and it doesn't change my decision. I've been doing the whole resistance song and dance thing for a while now. I'm just incredibly worn out with trying to guess what is or isn't resistance. Like I said, if it turns out these subs are the best for me no harm because I can always go back. But if I never explore I'll never know.
I went camping this weekend and got a chance to see the stars with minimal light pollution. Humbling to say the least. I looked out at all the stars, thought about different galaxies, the vastness of it all. Then I reflected on my own life and what I was prioritizing, what I've been doing for the last 8 years, assessing how I can really start being happy. The short of it is I've felt like I've been trying to enjoy life for quite a while now and not quite getting there. And as far as these subs have come, whether it's how I am or how I respond, they've been an uphill climb that never feels like it ends and I'm really tired.
The solution is really to keep going, but honestly I'm out of steam. I can always come back to these subs, but if I don't try different things I'll never know. If there is something I respond to better our there it would be foolish of me not to use it because I have my ego caught up in feeling like I should be able to execute these subs 100%.
And if anyone reading this wants to point out that this is a resistance tactic or running away, thats fine. But preemptively I have to say, I don't really care and it doesn't change my decision. I've been doing the whole resistance song and dance thing for a while now. I'm just incredibly worn out with trying to guess what is or isn't resistance. Like I said, if it turns out these subs are the best for me no harm because I can always go back. But if I never explore I'll never know.
INFP
