08-20-2019, 01:36 PM
I am becoming more aware of my old wounds as I've considered writing today, having sat down an hour ago (to possibly write). That's where I am currently. I share very emotionally when I write, for hiding behind fronts hurts me the most.
I'd read some UMS posts too before I began writing. I am comparing, and actually judging myself. Not a good spot for me, so I'll share what happened this morning.
I started my 4 day run last night, sleeping through most of it. I usually feel good and comfortably different when I wake up. This morning, I was mildly anxious about something, but I actually was nice to myself. I was anxious since I found out last night the outfit I began trading with are crooks. i wasn't so reactive like I've been in times past, but I was honest with my trader. I didn't "hold my tongue", but compared to times past, I actually did. In other words, I did not blame her and throw fire at her. This was new. I realized I had done repeat behaviour and began looking at what I was doing, more objectively this time.
This morning is what truly got my attention though. I was being nice to myself since part of me was looking to kick my own ass. And I read somewhere recently (not sure where) about listening to that inner voice. If I listen, I can ALWAYS here some inner commotion going on, like a 2 year old anxious for mom's attention. But this morning, I was doing this inner reconciling of the opposing parts of me, and I followed something I sensed while sitting in the bathroom.
Almost 2 years back, my old sponsor gave me a copy of Melodie Beattie's book on grief called "The Grief Club". He bought it for me when I was using Universal Detox by itself, as I was spitting out tears and sadness daily. I never read it, since........I've not liked grief. That says it all: I've not liked grief. I feel uncomfortable, out of control, and vulnerable (in my thinking, not sure why). So most of my life.....I've just kept it in.
Well, this morning, I was sitting there on the commode, having read a page of a daily reader first. But something quietly and gently sought me to check out the grief book. i did the "open the book and just start reading" technique, somewhere in the middle, and began a reading about a woman who'd been sober for 13 years, and the day before had her strongest pull to relapse. In short, she got into online casino gambling, and had lost $12K of her recent inheritance. She felt completely powerless over both the loss and the feelings of loss.
F***. I read where Ms. Beattie connected it to not letting go of old stuff (she'd not grieved much), and she was making sense of her client's actions, pairing it with her past. I stopped reading right there.
And I just started crying now, knowing I'm in a similar spot. I'm trying to "avoid, avoid, avoid" this. I've succeeded avoiding this 99% of my life.
I'm going in circles though. I will complete that chapter. No more, unless I change my mind.
This is where I've been. I've been stuck. And I'm slowly grieving how it feels being stuck. I just had hoped I'd "fly over it" using subliminals. I know I'm not alone. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I didn't using UD too. I've been listening to LTU loops while writing.
I'd read some UMS posts too before I began writing. I am comparing, and actually judging myself. Not a good spot for me, so I'll share what happened this morning.
I started my 4 day run last night, sleeping through most of it. I usually feel good and comfortably different when I wake up. This morning, I was mildly anxious about something, but I actually was nice to myself. I was anxious since I found out last night the outfit I began trading with are crooks. i wasn't so reactive like I've been in times past, but I was honest with my trader. I didn't "hold my tongue", but compared to times past, I actually did. In other words, I did not blame her and throw fire at her. This was new. I realized I had done repeat behaviour and began looking at what I was doing, more objectively this time.
This morning is what truly got my attention though. I was being nice to myself since part of me was looking to kick my own ass. And I read somewhere recently (not sure where) about listening to that inner voice. If I listen, I can ALWAYS here some inner commotion going on, like a 2 year old anxious for mom's attention. But this morning, I was doing this inner reconciling of the opposing parts of me, and I followed something I sensed while sitting in the bathroom.
Almost 2 years back, my old sponsor gave me a copy of Melodie Beattie's book on grief called "The Grief Club". He bought it for me when I was using Universal Detox by itself, as I was spitting out tears and sadness daily. I never read it, since........I've not liked grief. That says it all: I've not liked grief. I feel uncomfortable, out of control, and vulnerable (in my thinking, not sure why). So most of my life.....I've just kept it in.
Well, this morning, I was sitting there on the commode, having read a page of a daily reader first. But something quietly and gently sought me to check out the grief book. i did the "open the book and just start reading" technique, somewhere in the middle, and began a reading about a woman who'd been sober for 13 years, and the day before had her strongest pull to relapse. In short, she got into online casino gambling, and had lost $12K of her recent inheritance. She felt completely powerless over both the loss and the feelings of loss.
F***. I read where Ms. Beattie connected it to not letting go of old stuff (she'd not grieved much), and she was making sense of her client's actions, pairing it with her past. I stopped reading right there.
And I just started crying now, knowing I'm in a similar spot. I'm trying to "avoid, avoid, avoid" this. I've succeeded avoiding this 99% of my life.
I'm going in circles though. I will complete that chapter. No more, unless I change my mind.
This is where I've been. I've been stuck. And I'm slowly grieving how it feels being stuck. I just had hoped I'd "fly over it" using subliminals. I know I'm not alone. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I didn't using UD too. I've been listening to LTU loops while writing.
I want to be FREE!
