UMS

[Darwinn]

I did one run and decided to keep going to two loops. Halfway through the second I started getting so irritable and angry I just had to stop. I'm in a terrible f the world mood now. I don't really want to talk to anyone and I don't care. Recently my work has taken me in front of CEOs and industry leaders, making me very aware that the wealthy have certain attitudes toward business. One guy I met who was an underdog in a new industry but had run a bunch of companies and had already made a tremendous amount of money before seemed to relish competition, accept that loss is just going to happen some times and that you had to 'compete to the death'. He also had a very positive attitude toward and strong respect for his competitors. My attititude is almost exactly the inverse.

I'm terrified of loss and what it could mean, I don't like conflict and competition - I take it personally, and i'm suspicious and have a negative attitude toward people I view as competing with me. Who knows how I deal with this.

So far I've had three, what I call 'deep paradigm transitions', which were kind of instructional dreams. the first I spoke about - which was to do with relaxing, not demanding and allowing the flow of what I want to come as it is best to, the second was about humility - understanding that i'm not intrinsicly entitled to anything - that I can get whatever I want but to be wise with my intentions. The final one was very strange. It was a neutral dream in which I was an insect, with other insects seeing things in black and white and in a dark light, then when I reflected on how difficult things were for fellow insects and had compassion - everything exploded into colour and I became a mammal.

I awoke from that dream with the strong sense that I am 'ready to receive'. I think my internal make up is shifting to an paradigm which fits with deeply entrenched internal values and is ok with receiving.