08-11-2019, 11:57 AM
Had another unproductive day today. Part of me wanted to watch some videos on music production/composition, but another part of me just felt frightened by the prospect of learning that stuff. I think a lot of that is due to some kind of internalized belief that I need to work through.
But I was thinking about how I've been so focused on executing lately. Achieving the goals of LTU in the long run, but I failed to account for my emotional state. Here LTU was pulling up all this stuff that needed to be healed and I tried to brush it off. I tried to retreat or dissociate like I usually do vs processing and facing what it is that's holding me back.
All I know is that deep within the core of my being is a lot of pain. And my biggest stumbling block has always been underestimating how much emotional damage I have inside of me. Combine that with an overall lack of validation or denial as to how deep it goes and I end up in a cycle of being in pain but telling myself to get over it and that it's not a big deal.
It's hard sometimes when you feel really messed up inside, but you haven't had a traumatic life or one filled with a lot of hardship. You question how did this happen? What happened? But even if you get the answers, for example a mother that was sometimes checked out and didn't validate your emotions all the time. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible that such small minuscule things could have such a massive impact.
For me it feels like one of my defense mechanisms for making it through the pain was to deny it. I guess at one point I didn't express it or I wasn't heard or I couldn't communicate it and I gave up. I think I've been hitting a really deep layer with LTU. This deeper layer I've been having a really tough time accessing my emotions. Just being able to create a space for myself where I can heal from them.
Like i said this goes deep. This feels like it's touching on my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level or accept love from people. I don't want to sound negative here, but I am very emotionally damaged and stunted. Ironically it seems like for a good portion of my LTU journey I was trying to escape this part of me vs heal it. This piece of me is the one that believes it's fundamentally flawed in some way, undeserving of love, and unimportant in any way. It drove me to just keep shrinking away more and more, abandoning my core being and to start taking on traits that just net me positive experiences from people. Outwardly I could interact with the world, but inwardly it felt like I was completely cut off from everyone. There was no "me". Only the routines I had learned.
I still don't understand how it got this way. But ultimately I don't need to. I just need to heal from it. But I have to be honest with myself at all times vs running from it. Sometimes it's hard because it all feels like my fault and the emotional pain is seen as weakness vs something that needs compassion.
But I was thinking about how I've been so focused on executing lately. Achieving the goals of LTU in the long run, but I failed to account for my emotional state. Here LTU was pulling up all this stuff that needed to be healed and I tried to brush it off. I tried to retreat or dissociate like I usually do vs processing and facing what it is that's holding me back.
All I know is that deep within the core of my being is a lot of pain. And my biggest stumbling block has always been underestimating how much emotional damage I have inside of me. Combine that with an overall lack of validation or denial as to how deep it goes and I end up in a cycle of being in pain but telling myself to get over it and that it's not a big deal.
It's hard sometimes when you feel really messed up inside, but you haven't had a traumatic life or one filled with a lot of hardship. You question how did this happen? What happened? But even if you get the answers, for example a mother that was sometimes checked out and didn't validate your emotions all the time. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible that such small minuscule things could have such a massive impact.
For me it feels like one of my defense mechanisms for making it through the pain was to deny it. I guess at one point I didn't express it or I wasn't heard or I couldn't communicate it and I gave up. I think I've been hitting a really deep layer with LTU. This deeper layer I've been having a really tough time accessing my emotions. Just being able to create a space for myself where I can heal from them.
Like i said this goes deep. This feels like it's touching on my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level or accept love from people. I don't want to sound negative here, but I am very emotionally damaged and stunted. Ironically it seems like for a good portion of my LTU journey I was trying to escape this part of me vs heal it. This piece of me is the one that believes it's fundamentally flawed in some way, undeserving of love, and unimportant in any way. It drove me to just keep shrinking away more and more, abandoning my core being and to start taking on traits that just net me positive experiences from people. Outwardly I could interact with the world, but inwardly it felt like I was completely cut off from everyone. There was no "me". Only the routines I had learned.
I still don't understand how it got this way. But ultimately I don't need to. I just need to heal from it. But I have to be honest with myself at all times vs running from it. Sometimes it's hard because it all feels like my fault and the emotional pain is seen as weakness vs something that needs compassion.
INFP
