08-10-2019, 09:33 PM
Changes, changes, changes.
I am realizing I bluff myself so often when I begin writing here because I'm facing an old brotherly fear. The root is abandonment. I try to shine up my message so often since I've feared that greatly.
I even came here today, started writing, and began remembering the 8th grade. I was standing outside the school, waiting for it to open, but I was in horrible emotional pain since my brother had left me. He'd rejected me, blowing me off for "cool" friends who made him feel more manly. And he was the only one I depended on. So I stood alone on the wall, avoiding any interaction or eye contact.
Facing fears are on my mind here.
I'm thinking about Zane and his long-term use of USLM3. Previously, I had not given it much thought. But a woman I traded with in the past began IML subs since she saw their effects on me. She too has been on USLM3 close to when it was released. She's been saving to pick up LTU5, and I thought she was going to purchase it this week. I asked her if she had, and she replied that she was going to finish the one she's on. I asked if she was still doing USLM3, and she said yes. She said it's been very good to her.
This has been on my mind. Fear is what has had me jumping around sub-wise. Thinking a "new" sub will solve my life problems or me jumping on the latest bandwagon will fill some love and acceptance needs. The change is me has been subtle, but my thinking of complete dependence of others for love is waning.
I originally thought/imagined/fantasized LTU would have me in some emotional fantasy land. Yep. Anything to not face my major fears. However, it's been gentle, looking big picture. I ran loops last night, I went to bed early, and I'm realizing this morning that fear IS being worked on.
I'm considering doing LTU long term. This is why I came, to actually "grow up". This is all emotional to me.
I am realizing I bluff myself so often when I begin writing here because I'm facing an old brotherly fear. The root is abandonment. I try to shine up my message so often since I've feared that greatly.
I even came here today, started writing, and began remembering the 8th grade. I was standing outside the school, waiting for it to open, but I was in horrible emotional pain since my brother had left me. He'd rejected me, blowing me off for "cool" friends who made him feel more manly. And he was the only one I depended on. So I stood alone on the wall, avoiding any interaction or eye contact.
Facing fears are on my mind here.
I'm thinking about Zane and his long-term use of USLM3. Previously, I had not given it much thought. But a woman I traded with in the past began IML subs since she saw their effects on me. She too has been on USLM3 close to when it was released. She's been saving to pick up LTU5, and I thought she was going to purchase it this week. I asked her if she had, and she replied that she was going to finish the one she's on. I asked if she was still doing USLM3, and she said yes. She said it's been very good to her.
This has been on my mind. Fear is what has had me jumping around sub-wise. Thinking a "new" sub will solve my life problems or me jumping on the latest bandwagon will fill some love and acceptance needs. The change is me has been subtle, but my thinking of complete dependence of others for love is waning.
I originally thought/imagined/fantasized LTU would have me in some emotional fantasy land. Yep. Anything to not face my major fears. However, it's been gentle, looking big picture. I ran loops last night, I went to bed early, and I'm realizing this morning that fear IS being worked on.
I'm considering doing LTU long term. This is why I came, to actually "grow up". This is all emotional to me.
I want to be FREE!
