07-19-2019, 03:25 AM
I looped LTU last night again. I don't feel as light and free as I did yesterday, but I'm thinking E3 is digging deeper since I've upped my usage. I woke up an hour ago with my gut just slightly clenched, which is a fear response. I read Shannon's UMS experience yesterday, and since I've felt this gut clenching experience before on LTU, I'm mentally between powering through it more with LTU5 and fantasizing of LTU6 with the ME2. I bought UMS 2 days ago, did one loop, but followed Shannon's admonition to stay on LTU.
While writing, I realized my fear was just an inhibition of grieving. I've not fully felt my grief of my mom dying yet, and I only broke down shortly 2 times with my daughter when I learned of it 2 days ago. I'm feeling hurt and disappointed since my ex is mostly emotionally unavailable since she avoids her trauma and her hurt emotions regularly. But this morning a friend back home texted me asking if I wanted to play our money game Sunday, which is our norm. This challenged my self protection, as I've often shared easily and safely when around them. And sitting here I'm wondering why I don't allow myself to be free around others.
And I just felt the slight anger in me. I'm still listening to LTU, and I imagine myself putting all of me away while being there for my daughter and ex. Something hurts me while I do this. I've put myself (again) around an emotionally absent woman. I'd visit my mom on and off these last few years, and off was SOUGHT regularly since she lived in survival mode 24/7. She was an active alcoholic constantly trying to drown out old pain and terror, of which I've thought she had been sexually abused. She never admitted it, I never asked, but at least 3 times in my life she almost broke down in front of me, mentally reliving something she'd experienced with terror showing on her face. My ex was sexually abused in her teens long term, and I've seen her distancing herself even during my stay now. Nothing sexual has happened while I've been here, but I'd see her clearly dissociate during sex when we were married. And similar statements and responses I've received lately tell me that hiding herself from those memories and pain are a full-time top priority.
Well, I'm in this. I'm seeing other's pain clearly since it takes one to know one. Using LTU invites some courage in me, and I have had a similar experience. That's why I'm seeing it. What is slowly welling up in me is a sadness, not an anger. My stuff is being picked at.
I'll be back.
While writing, I realized my fear was just an inhibition of grieving. I've not fully felt my grief of my mom dying yet, and I only broke down shortly 2 times with my daughter when I learned of it 2 days ago. I'm feeling hurt and disappointed since my ex is mostly emotionally unavailable since she avoids her trauma and her hurt emotions regularly. But this morning a friend back home texted me asking if I wanted to play our money game Sunday, which is our norm. This challenged my self protection, as I've often shared easily and safely when around them. And sitting here I'm wondering why I don't allow myself to be free around others.
And I just felt the slight anger in me. I'm still listening to LTU, and I imagine myself putting all of me away while being there for my daughter and ex. Something hurts me while I do this. I've put myself (again) around an emotionally absent woman. I'd visit my mom on and off these last few years, and off was SOUGHT regularly since she lived in survival mode 24/7. She was an active alcoholic constantly trying to drown out old pain and terror, of which I've thought she had been sexually abused. She never admitted it, I never asked, but at least 3 times in my life she almost broke down in front of me, mentally reliving something she'd experienced with terror showing on her face. My ex was sexually abused in her teens long term, and I've seen her distancing herself even during my stay now. Nothing sexual has happened while I've been here, but I'd see her clearly dissociate during sex when we were married. And similar statements and responses I've received lately tell me that hiding herself from those memories and pain are a full-time top priority.
Well, I'm in this. I'm seeing other's pain clearly since it takes one to know one. Using LTU invites some courage in me, and I have had a similar experience. That's why I'm seeing it. What is slowly welling up in me is a sadness, not an anger. My stuff is being picked at.
I'll be back.
I want to be FREE!
