07-15-2019, 04:26 PM
After a few days of going through some really rough stuff I've had some clarity regarding my overall situation here. I've been seeing this fear inside me as this huge monster. Something big, insurmountable, terrifying. So big and overwhelming it reduced me to panic. But then today I realized it's just an obstacle or a problem I need to figure out. Like anything in life, it has a solution. What I realized is running head first into trying to overcome all of it at once was causing me to panic and get nowhere. Of course it was the fear driving me to try to get it all in one go because I'm terrified of losing anymore time in my life than I already have. The irony is the more I let that fear grow, the more I panicked and the more I did lose time because I was so preoccupied about the future I couldn't enjoy the present moment.
I'll take chipping away at the fear consistently until I reach my goal vs essentially throwing myself into panic attacks because I need to change now.
The other insight I had was how I perceive who I am and how it's wrong and not accurate at all. For the longest time I've walked around with this recurring theme that I'm a loner, different, basically destined to never have the kind of life most people live. But I realized that was a limitation I put on myself. I am who I am, but that doesn't mean I have to be alone. I've always had strong thoughts like "nobody likes me" or "they are just being friendly". But I decided today that I can start embracing that people genuinely like me for who I am. I'm even embracing the fact that my value I place on authenticity and being true to myself makes me stand out even more. It's never been the fact that people don't like who I am, it's that I never really liked myself and that's what everyone picked up on.
I know I can change my life for the better now. It's just a matter of moving forward and to keep working at it. It may take some time but it'll happen. But the important thing to remember is that I don't have to wait to reach my goals to be happy. It's important to find happiness in every little thing in day to day life on my way to those goals.
I'll take chipping away at the fear consistently until I reach my goal vs essentially throwing myself into panic attacks because I need to change now.
The other insight I had was how I perceive who I am and how it's wrong and not accurate at all. For the longest time I've walked around with this recurring theme that I'm a loner, different, basically destined to never have the kind of life most people live. But I realized that was a limitation I put on myself. I am who I am, but that doesn't mean I have to be alone. I've always had strong thoughts like "nobody likes me" or "they are just being friendly". But I decided today that I can start embracing that people genuinely like me for who I am. I'm even embracing the fact that my value I place on authenticity and being true to myself makes me stand out even more. It's never been the fact that people don't like who I am, it's that I never really liked myself and that's what everyone picked up on.
I know I can change my life for the better now. It's just a matter of moving forward and to keep working at it. It may take some time but it'll happen. But the important thing to remember is that I don't have to wait to reach my goals to be happy. It's important to find happiness in every little thing in day to day life on my way to those goals.
INFP
