07-14-2019, 03:18 PM
I got back on LTU5 a week ago, with good reason.
I've been on another healing sub from another vendor, for it has qualities I desire. I was on it just over a month. Then my mother began going downhill rapidly, doing back to back hospital stays, and hospice was being sighted by her doctors and nurses. She's not getting better.
What became apparent to me was my old ways of tolerating pain just weren't working. Most of it was pure denial by way of distractions and suppression, and I did not feel good at all. While in this emotional state, I longed for feeling good while on a sub, and I thought of Shannon's subs. I've used both E2 (3 months +) and LTU5 (two months? Unsure), but LTU5 has all the tools and power I've looked for in a healing subliminal. So I began it last Monday.
I'm feeling slightly emotionally desperate currently, yet I'm not overwhelmed. I did something today which I've never done.
I just got back from my mom's hospital. When I got there, my sister and my oldest brother were there. I realized (slowly) that neither are real with themselves, nor anyone else. Blatant lies are accepted openly.....what? What I saw repeatedly was them being critical of others and laughing at other's expense. (Truthfully, I'm seeing I was doing it too)
After 30 minutes of talking upstairs, we chose to head down to the cafeteria, as my mom was sleeping. During our conversation, it dawned on me that I was the guy easily dismissed and disrespected. I'd say something, or ask a question, and I'd be insulted and laughed at. It sucked, but wasn't moving me. Yet.
I don't know what shifted, but I'd chosen to put on a single loop of LTU5 maybe 20 minutes before, following another LTU5 user's practice for an "as needed" basis. Maybe that tripped me. I slowly, then quickly, became angry. So angry that in 1 minute's time, I cleaned up my coffee mess, stood up, told them I was leaving, and deserted them while they sought answers as to why. I was PISSED.
I felt hurt and angry inside. I needed to feel safe, and the lying and in-your-face denial of feelings and problems told me to get the fuck out. Running away, IMO, is the only option available when truths are told, but are continuously met with denial or dismissal. I was infuriated knowing neither of them were safe to be around.
I went out to my van, thinking of my choices. I was there for my mom, not them. And she could die any day. I'm leaving to visit my daughter in 2 days out of state, so I turned around and went to my mom's room alone. She was sleeping, but her nurse was giving her some IV meds. I stayed 10 minutes, then left.
While almost to my van again, my sister called me, which I ignored. My immediate response (if I replied) would be "FUCK OFF!!!" My brother met me at my window, and asked me why I left. I told him I didn't like being treated like s***, and before I even finished my 3 second reply, he was already talking, denying completely I'd been treated like s***. He asked me again, the same thing happened, and I said "(brother), GOODBYE!!"
I've never done that. I'm becoming much more aware of old uncomfortable patterns with people.
But truthfully, I think I became angry since I've dismissed myself hundreds of times, I'm aware I'm uncomfortable with it, and I'm actively listening to my emotional needs with the help of these subs. Having others insist on accepting blatant non-truths was NOT going to fly. No way. Hell no.
I've been on another healing sub from another vendor, for it has qualities I desire. I was on it just over a month. Then my mother began going downhill rapidly, doing back to back hospital stays, and hospice was being sighted by her doctors and nurses. She's not getting better.
What became apparent to me was my old ways of tolerating pain just weren't working. Most of it was pure denial by way of distractions and suppression, and I did not feel good at all. While in this emotional state, I longed for feeling good while on a sub, and I thought of Shannon's subs. I've used both E2 (3 months +) and LTU5 (two months? Unsure), but LTU5 has all the tools and power I've looked for in a healing subliminal. So I began it last Monday.
I'm feeling slightly emotionally desperate currently, yet I'm not overwhelmed. I did something today which I've never done.
I just got back from my mom's hospital. When I got there, my sister and my oldest brother were there. I realized (slowly) that neither are real with themselves, nor anyone else. Blatant lies are accepted openly.....what? What I saw repeatedly was them being critical of others and laughing at other's expense. (Truthfully, I'm seeing I was doing it too)
After 30 minutes of talking upstairs, we chose to head down to the cafeteria, as my mom was sleeping. During our conversation, it dawned on me that I was the guy easily dismissed and disrespected. I'd say something, or ask a question, and I'd be insulted and laughed at. It sucked, but wasn't moving me. Yet.
I don't know what shifted, but I'd chosen to put on a single loop of LTU5 maybe 20 minutes before, following another LTU5 user's practice for an "as needed" basis. Maybe that tripped me. I slowly, then quickly, became angry. So angry that in 1 minute's time, I cleaned up my coffee mess, stood up, told them I was leaving, and deserted them while they sought answers as to why. I was PISSED.
I felt hurt and angry inside. I needed to feel safe, and the lying and in-your-face denial of feelings and problems told me to get the fuck out. Running away, IMO, is the only option available when truths are told, but are continuously met with denial or dismissal. I was infuriated knowing neither of them were safe to be around.
I went out to my van, thinking of my choices. I was there for my mom, not them. And she could die any day. I'm leaving to visit my daughter in 2 days out of state, so I turned around and went to my mom's room alone. She was sleeping, but her nurse was giving her some IV meds. I stayed 10 minutes, then left.
While almost to my van again, my sister called me, which I ignored. My immediate response (if I replied) would be "FUCK OFF!!!" My brother met me at my window, and asked me why I left. I told him I didn't like being treated like s***, and before I even finished my 3 second reply, he was already talking, denying completely I'd been treated like s***. He asked me again, the same thing happened, and I said "(brother), GOODBYE!!"
I've never done that. I'm becoming much more aware of old uncomfortable patterns with people.
But truthfully, I think I became angry since I've dismissed myself hundreds of times, I'm aware I'm uncomfortable with it, and I'm actively listening to my emotional needs with the help of these subs. Having others insist on accepting blatant non-truths was NOT going to fly. No way. Hell no.
I want to be FREE!
