05-14-2019, 01:09 AM
(05-13-2019, 05:42 PM)Benjamin Wrote: That's difficult to say without knowing what you're looking for.
What I am looking for is not to be afraid anymore. No to bow dow to people , just for them to like me and not to face their criticisms. I'm looking to be a man of conviction, a man that knows to do the right thing most of the times a man who is not afraid of doing something or wanting something. A man who will not take peoples shit. Knows what he wants and gets it. I remember ever since I was young I would want people to like me, I would take the blame for things and I would make them pity me. I still do that now, I get people to feel for me by telling them how bad it is for me and how people are doing wrong to me. I want the courage to deal with life by myself and earn the respect. The bad roots are very deep and my sub conscious or something is blocking me from becoming a better me. No matter how many books I read or videos I watch and advice given to me. I haven't changed in the last 5 years. I don't speak to people at work or in life in general. This is my first journal ever that I have done. I only really I mean really connected with one person and that was this girl and she had a boyfriend, I kept pushing her away at the start and when she finally went I couldn't take it, Considering I hardly speak with any, she was very special and I know that there is never the "one", but I am to weak to move on. Hence why I thought I would do DMSI.
I don't know whether I am making progress, I think I am, but the progress is so small it is not noticeable and frustrating for me.
Anyway basically I want to be a man and I want to deal with all the internal shit so I can enjoy life and have fun and be fun to around. I have an idea of the type man I want to, they are all fictional characters. For example Hank Moody, Don Draper, Lucifer Morningstar.
I dont want to pretend any more or fake it.
In a meeting just now at work I was being talked over and and when I had somehting to say, they were like yeah yeah yeah. It is so frustrating when I get talked to that way and when I do it, people dont like it but if I was to stand up for myself they would switch and play the victims so no matter what I do, I can't win.
E3 is part of LTU would it just be cheaper in the long run purchasing LTU and more efficient?
